not sure I can do another Christmas

Rosie56

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
75
0
Hello! Here's hoping most people are having a lovely Christmas.

I live alone (with responsibility for two rescue dogs) and for years it's been 'my turn' to have the parents (now just Mum) for xmas while my bro exercises his right to a relaxing holiday.:mad: I'd like her to live nearer me - she won't (long story). Picking her up and taking her back home involves 11 to 14 hours' driving for a round trip depending on conditions, plus making arrangements for the dogs.

Mum is here with me now, snoozing. My catering standards are modest but I can honestly say I've knocked myself out to provide a nice xmas for her. She wanted to attend midnight mass = big struggle to get her ready, washed and with her teeth brushed (she's horribly neglectful of personal hygiene, also incontinent and has toilet breath). Christmas dinner hardly seemed to register with her, she was so busy picking at a dirty old handbag, spitting on it, scrubbing the spit (euw) and complaining that it got stained at her day care centre. If only she cared so much about her own cleanliness...everything I did to please her was met with 'I'm not bothered' and it was the most soul-destroying holiday ever. Christmas carols didn't please, telly didn't please, dinner didn't please. I suggested she change into clean clothes for xmas dinner and was told she didn't need to, nobody who mattered would see her.

I don't think I want to repeat this experience. It all seems completely pointless and (for me) just one long emotional battering. There's no chance brother will do his share. i'm thinking maybe I could book an xmas hotel package, let someone else take the strain. Has anyone here ever done this? Is it a good idea?
 

Oxy

Registered User
Jul 19, 2014
953
0
I'm so sorry you've had such an emotionally wearing day. It seems your mother may be ready for residential care possibly. Has she been assessed. If diagnosis there, get a SS assessment and as with dementia she is unlikely to get better by next year, I really don't think you need to worry about next xmas. If not in a home by then, book respite for Xmas or tell ss that the ball is in their court-she is vulnerable and you are away.
Wish you well for rest of your mothers stay and please don't worry about next year. Unfortunately lack of appreciation can be part of the course-it's her illness/condition and not you. You have not mentioned whether you had a good relationship previously.
Best of luck that you get it sorted during 2015.
 

Rosie56

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
75
0
I'm so sorry you've had such an emotionally wearing day. It seems your mother may be ready for residential care possibly. Has she been assessed. If diagnosis there, get a SS assessment and as with dementia she is unlikely to get better by next year, I really don't think you need to worry about next xmas. If not in a home by then, book respite for Xmas or tell ss that the ball is in their court-she is vulnerable and you are away.
Wish you well for rest of your mothers stay and please don't worry about next year. Unfortunately lack of appreciation can be part of the course-it's her illness/condition and not you. You have not mentioned whether you had a good relationship previously.
Best of luck that you get it sorted during 2015.

Thanks Oxy. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last April but the doc made a point of telling me she was still able to make her own decisions so until we get a different outcome, my hands are tied with regards to residential care even tho I have PoA. We had a patchy but reasonably OK relationship previously - she was never all that sensitive to my needs as a child but we got on better as I grew older.

Can I book respite even tho I don't live with her? I thought it was only for 24/7 carers?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
You can book respite as you would a hotel and pay for it. It all depends on finding somewhere with space, I would definitely consider it as it really pulls you down knocking yourself out for someone who can't be pleased.
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
Hi Rosie, what an awful Christmas you have had. It is so sad when the situation gets to this point, and of course, as we all know, things will not improve.

I am sure you've done everything you can for your mum to make her Christmas special, and I doubt she's even noticed. It's time now for you to start thinking more about yourself.

Jan x
 

CJinUSA

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,122
0
eastern USA
Sometimes we do Christmas to please ourselves and honor the past we had with our parents. You mother's response isn't a comment on you or your effort, but a response indicating where she is with her life. Next time, cook something easy instead of knocking yourself out. They really want us just to spend time with them. Sometimes this means just being with them on their terms, spittle and all.

You might like the DVD Be With Me Today by a psychologist who got dementia, probably of the Alzheimer's type, and who talks with people about his illness and how they can make him feel comfortable with himself.

I'm sorry you had a sad Christmas. Sometimes we try too hard and we need to step back and just be with them on their terms. My mother is snoozing right now. I'm about to pull out a smashing dinner for us all, and she will complain that it's too much. That's fine with me. I'm tired out, and I've done my best, and that's what counts. My mother has lived with me since 2008.

http://www.alzstore.com/Be-With-Me-Today-DVD-p/2051.htm
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
It sounds as though you have been landed with a really horrible christmas. And no one to nip out to the kitchen with and have a quick glug of sherry and a quick complain and then back to jolly your mum up a bit. I only have to have my MIL and she doesn't have dementia but she is mighty difficult and extremely disapproving of..well.. everything.
But at least I have my daughters who help it all along.

I suggest that next year you do a day for your mum on Christmas day that isn't your main celebration for you, make your celebration at new year instead. That can be your own personal special time. Get yourself a really good book, two frozen Christmas dinners in foil trays. a box of chocolates and have an easy time. Perhaps a few air freshening plug ins. And some comedy CD's for the bits of car journey you do on your own.
 

optocarol

Registered User
Nov 23, 2011
315
0
Auckland, New Zealand
Sounds to me that your mum wouldn't notice or care whether you did Christmas or not. Seems time to take care of yourself, I feel.

After all the years of doing it, I've decided we either go out or OH's family can do what they like. We've done both and if no-one asks us to anything, I'm not bothered. It usually happens that if we're at home, maybe someone will turn up. I also don't buy presents. My siblings and my children are happy with that; I put money in the bank for grandsons overseas, at son's suggestion. I know if I were the one with Alz, OH wouldn't be buying presents for my kids, so nor am I, except for the one in his family who is by far the most help and sometimes i buy something if I happen to see something I think they'd really like.

I did do some decorations! :)
 

setantaaidan

Registered User
Dec 27, 2014
3
0
hi there

I completely understand how you feel, my mam has dementia and lives next door. Christmas should b a joyous occasion but I must say the last few have been very hard. No relaxation. I really feel down in the dumps, it feels like she has been taken away by aliens. Like you say, personal hygiene has gone out the window. She just spends her day being mean and a greasiness to my son. I just wish she was the way she was before.
 

Rosie56

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
75
0
Thank you, everybody, for your words of wisdom and comfort! I think things might be easier if I had an OH, but maybe they wouldn't (we've all met other halves who are more trouble than help!).

She's gone home now and I have time to think. I realise that I misjudged it this year and tried to do things that are no longer appropriate. No doubt I'll make mistakes next year but they won't be the same ones. I'll make new ones instead.:rolleyes:

I also realised this time that I have to protect the dogs from her. They are small and vulnerable and I just stopped her giving a slice of xmas cake to one of them (packed full of vine fruits which are toxic to dogs). :eek:

Booking respite sounds like a great idea. I'm not well off, can I use Mum's money to pay for that? We have a joint bank account and I'm careful not to use it for anything except her needs but I think it would be fair to use it for this.
 

Redhawk40

Registered User
Dec 30, 2014
1
0
I can completely relate to this! My motherinlaw has alzheimers and currently lives in assisted living, but I believe the time is near for more intensive care for her. I wanted to give everyone a great Christmas and suggested we have her stay the night with us Christmas Eve. WHAT A BAD IDEA!!! She slept in my daughter's bedroom and my daughter stayed in the room next to her. My daughter was awakened at 630 am to my mother in law talking to someone. When she went in to check on her she was standing on the opposite side of the bed using the bed as a commode. Needless to say we were all shaken up by this. She had not had incontinence issues prior, but this same thing happened three other times Christmas morning and she was completely disoriented. I just don't know what to do next. I am sure the assisted living facility will not continue to care for her much longer. How do you know when it's time for a skilled facility????
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
All I can say about Christmas is that, if OH is still at home, he will be in respite for Christmas! It was that bad! Still next Christmas is a long time anyway. Who knows what life will be like?
 

snowygirl

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
151
0
Just to say I can really understand how you feel. Mum and dad both have dementia dad with Alzheimers and mum with vascular. Both came over to me for Xmas day and Boxing day and as a family we did our best to make it the same as usual which obviously it turned out not to be. I felt we were treading on shards of glass the whole time and I was stuck in the middle of my parents and other family members. By Boxing day I was already shattered but the evening became like an episode of fawlty Towers but for real with my mum going mad over lost tablets(upturning mattresses etc) and while I contained her with my sister the rest of my family tried to help dad who was taking nonsense mainly due to sensing a problem with mum. Tears were shed, tempers flared and then today Ive spoken to dad and he doesn't remember Xmas at all!! mum too. At the time she wouldn't open presents and today we've found them in the bottom of a cupboard still wrapped! I've had my mum and dad to me for many many years at xmas but this year wasI believe the last and I'm sad about that but I know that I cannot put myself, my family or my parents through that again. Like you Rosie I'm just glad that its all over but you can see Rosie that you are not alone....
 

Rosie56

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
75
0
Yes, I can see that I'm not alone! Bless you all.

Christmas is a time when we're shown images of happy families all eating together, getting along, having fun. I think that makes it worse when the reality is so different. I'd really, really love just to have a Christmas where I can relax and enjoy myself - it hasn't happened for years, because I was the Dutiful Unmarried Daughter long before Alzheimer's set in, and my parents were always quite difficult to be with. Never mind. I'm starting to get more of a sense of proportion now. Being able to get a night's sleep has helped. :rolleyes:

Once I've caught up with my own life a bit, I'll be arranging for another assessment. I talked to her neighbour tonight who is a good friend of Mum's and very helpful to me in keeping an eye on her. She said Mum was definitely going downhill, getting stranger and stranger and increasingly unable to work out where she is. So I think we're moving into a new phase. It's all so bloody sad, especially since she went through a really good patch earlier this year when I seriously wondered if the dementia diagnosis was wrong. But there you are. This stage was always going to come. I thought it would take longer, but then she's 87 this year so perhaps that wasn't very realistic.
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,694
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
I can relate to everything also.
This has been the worst Christmas/New Year for me. I have been very down, and in tears on New Years Eve.
I find it so hard, and having to choose between my parents needs (Mum with AD & Dad with MCI) and my husband and childrens needs. I feel stretched in every direction.
Christmas and New Year has been compounded with Mum not having her usual Alzheimers activity groups to go to for 5 weeks!
She complains about having nothing to do, I try to take her & Dad out when I can but have to balance it with my childrens needs also who are on school holidays for 7 weeks.

We have the chance to go away for a couple of nights in a few weeks, and I have decided we will go come hell or highwater, and leave my brother to deal with it, as my sister will be away also. As long as Mums medication is sorted.
 

Belleooo

Registered User
Dec 2, 2014
6
0
Aberdeenshire, Soctland
Dad as driven me nuts this Christmas. He as been argumentative, he doesn't even know who we are which makes things worse. Biggest problem at the moment is getting him to stay in bed long enough. Forgot what a peaceful nights sleep is. He is getting up and wandering about. Asks for the bathroom then soils himself. Thinking I may ask GP for something to knock him out at night. But doubt I will get anywhere due to his other health issues and the millions of tablets he takes. They don't seem to care. They wont even supply me with the pullups he badly needs to deal with the incontinence. Just offer those stupid pads which are not suitable at all for him. Tonight I lost my temper and swore at him. Had to walk out of the room. I needed some space. Now I feel bad lol. But everyone has their limits. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening.