Not sure how to handle my mother

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
109
0
Ramsgate
Hi there. I've been registered for ages, but haven't really had much to contribute.

I have been trying to get help for my mother for over a year, I went to see her GP and she said to arrange for mum to have her over-65 check where she would have an ECG and a blood test to rule out physical issues then we would go from there.

When we saw the nurse she saw the note to do mum's ECG, but because I couldn't tell her in front of mum why it was needed, she didn't do it.

Come this year, I go to make an appointment for mum's over-65 check up only to be told they didn't do them and she would have to see the doctor, which she did.

I got up the courage to speak up to the doctor and it was the most unpleasant experience as mum got upset when I mentioned plenty of times when she'd forgotten recent events. Dr asked her what year it is, she didn't know. She asked mum the month, she didn't know.

Dr then said she would refer mum to the memory clinic and when I dropped her home I asked her to let me know when it came through and she said "I will, because you told all those lies about me" (!).

A week after that she had an appointment for the ECG and blood tests - the nurse said if there was anything wrong they would let mum know - they didn't.

Since then I have been to see her every week, and surreptitiously went through her mail to check for the appointment. Nothing. However I did see an appointment on her calendar but she couldn't tell me what it was for.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I got a phone call from the Community Mental Health Team for Older People - someone had been round to assess mum and that is what the appointment was for.

The lady from the CMHT told me the assessment consisted of a memory test which mum failed and she had been asked by the assessor whether she could make an appointment for her for a CT scan, which she agreed to, and she agreed to the assessor contacting me. The assessor said mum had the appontment in her handbag, but when she turned up, mum didn't want to let her in. She said she asked her to complete some sentences, and all mum did was look at the books on her book shelf and write down the titles of them.

Also mum signed up to get her toilet and bathroom windows replaced, much to my relief as they are both rotten right through. This has been booked for weeks on end and I have kept reminding her every week that the men are coming tomorrow and that she will need to pay the balance of the money owed.

So I reminded her. Again. And she said she didn't want it done and didn't see why she should. I said she should have spoken up on the day the salesman was there. She said she did - she bloody didn't!

She said that she didn't know where the money was going to come from. I told her how much she has in her bank account. She said that wasn't the point.

She has had the contract for the work for at least three months sitting on the desk in her living room. She signed it. At any point she could have rung them, but she didn't. No one twisted her arm up her back - she agreed after I told her for the nth time how worried I was about the two windows being rotten right through and how I thought that before long either the window would fall out, or someone would be able to lift it out and get into her house. Plus it would be a magnet for people knocking on the door saying "I'll do that for you cheap love" - you hear stories about old people being frogmarched to the ATM for them to take out all their cash. With the new windows at least it won't be a magnet for bad people.

She even chose the privacy glass (one window is for the toilet, one is for the bathroom) and had the chance then to say "I don't want this done".

I can't force her. I don't WANT to force her. However if she backs out now I don't know where she stands legally.

I'm hoping she will have forgotten by tomorrow - every week when I do her shopping I have reminded her about tomorrow and in all that time she said nothing.

I am so stressed now - I have a Diazepam left over from when I had a mental meltdown in June and I will take it before I go over to see my mum tomorrow.

I will also make an appointment with my GP to see if I can get a prescription for Clonazepam or something similar to help me deal with her.
 
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Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
383
0
uk
Hi just wanted to give you a reply. What you are going through as you will know most of us can empathise with this. My mum was a nightmare when I was dealing with the Mental health team when they were assessing her. They would ask me questions with mum sitting there giving me the evils as of course there was nothing wrong with HER, it was us! They sent her the appointments and she would just shove these in her drawer and they would come out past their sell by date. It is frustrating isn't it? Her washing machine was on the blink and sounded like concord and I managed to persuade her to come with me to buy a new one. We did the paperwork and then the next day when I mentioned her machine would be coming she would why on earth did she want a machine that one is fine!! I would say to her its too late now and you will have to deal with it. Sometimes she did or forgot. She wanted to have a newspaper delivered which I arranged and then when I visited she would say I can go and get my own newspaper I don't need it delivered. We decided it was best to have one delivered as she did not want to have to go out if it was raining but of course she forgot. She did managed to phone the newsagents and told him to stop sending her the papers. I went to pay the last bill and he was grinning when he told me my mum had called him and I can just imagine what she said.I was always worried she was on her own and they can be very vulnerable. Luckily when she was at home she was suspicious of everyone and everything and did not trust anyone. Everyone was a thief, burglar or sex offender. We just soldier on :(:(
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
0
london
Hi Skaface,
sounds as though you are in a pretty miserable place.

I find it interesting that no-one usually reminds us that we are not responsible in law for our parents. So maybe you could tell the mental health team and Social Services that you can no longer cope with the situation, and that they will have to deal with it.

If you want to keep helping your mum, then you will need some help from SS or whoever.If you need tablets to cope, then you need the help now.

Please understand that I am not critisizing . Having been there and done it, i would not want anyone to get into the state that I did. Please try and get some help.
 

Varandas

Registered User
Sep 2, 2013
227
0
Hampshire England
Hi Skaface, most of us have being there and got the t-shirt.
You need help now, for you (if you need Diazepam now) and for your mother. Get the GP and SS involved, fast. On a good day, if and when you have one with your mother, try to sort out the finances - don't leave till too late, if you are worried about 'bad people'. Sadly it is the reality nowadays. If you are too worried about postal communication, get a re-direction to yr home, this way you can control appointments and bills.
I am sorry you are in this boat, with so many of us.
Don't despair. Help and support can be found.
It is no use you telling your Mom, reminding her, writing it down, phoning every 10 minutes, explaining it again... and then being upset because on a bad day it was done differently or she forgot it all.
My mother never accepted the doctors's opinion or reports... The whole world was against her... She had no family any longer...
Yet we were there to look after her...

Courage
 

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
109
0
Ramsgate
Thanks for your replies.

I am going to have to get tough and just tell her "you signed, you are responsible" but I know I am going to get the whole "I told you I didn't want it done" thing when she did no such thing. It doesn't help to point out that the frames are rotten right through - I did that for years and she would just say "I'll sort it out sometime" - and sometime never happens.

I have arranged with the CMHTOP assessor for her to tell me when the CT scan appointment is and I will then take mum when it happens.

And as you all know, as you have been through it, she will deny ever having given her permission for the CMHTOP assessor to speak to me - I also got mum to sign the form the GP gave me so that I can discuss her with her GP which she was OK with at the time but once she'd signed it she started on the "oh you just want to be able to talk about me" thing.
 

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
109
0
Ramsgate
. Luckily when she was at home she was suspicious of everyone and everything and did not trust anyone. Everyone was a thief, burglar or sex offender. We just soldier on

Mum will sign up for anything on the doorstep and has on several occasions let people in without really knowing who they are. She has also given her bank card details out over the phone leading to her card being cancelled by the bank who noticed there was something suspicious about the transactions.

When I go to do her shopping I phone to let her know I'm on my way. When I get there one of two things will have happened.

The first one is that she will have kept the whole place locked up and barricaded and will have left the key on the inside of the outer door meaning that I can't get in at all and have to ring the bell.

The other thing is that she will leave the outer door swinging open and the inner door on the latch so that just anyone can push the door and walk in.

Once she locked and barricaded the doors while I was out doing her shopping so I couldn't get in when I got back.

If anyone does try to get money out of her by taking her to the ATM they can't as I changed her PIN to something I could remember - I take her bank card with me to do her shopping - and I worry what they might do to her when she obviously can't use an ATM. Not that it's happened but you never know.
 

Nick99

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
84
0
Lincolnshire
Hello Skaface

This takes me back as most of us have been through it. Why are we all doomed to keep repeating this scenario, which must have happened thousands of times, why are you and we not getting the support and help needed?
You are dealing with a lot of problems at the moment and they can be overpowering especially when you don't know where to turn for help.
I'm afraid it will take some little white lies to make things better as your mum is now beyond reason, although I know you will keep on trying to discuss matters in a sensible way. Unfortunately she sounds as though this is no longer possible.

Have you sorted out power of attorney yet, I'm sure you're going to need it. We used an Orange Cash Card to replace the credit/debit card. You can load it with as much money as you want and use it as a debit card, you can view the spending online and top up the card online. This way your mum will have a card but only with the amount you load onto it. We now allow FIL carers to do his shopping using this card as we are in complete control. We have removed all other cheque books and cards.

I well remember sitting behind FIL when the consultant came around and we were shacking our heads when FIL was saying how well he coped and didn't have any problems. It took a long long time for the sensible people at the memory clinic to stop sending him letters, as they had diagnosed Alzheimers but still expected him to read and take notice of letters!!!!

We have used the POA to have all his bills and important correspondence sent to us, FIL would not agree to sign a post office form to have his mail redirected to us, so the POA came in to play. He still gets circulars and rubbish so still thinks his mail is OK.

I think that you will have to slowly stop consulting your mum and simply make the decisions for her, as you will find one of the symptoms is the continual change of mind. She will not realize she has changed her mind, hence frustration all round.

I wish you well and please come back to this forum for help and support.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I agree 100% with Nick99. One of the hardest things to accept, IMO, when it comes to dementia, is that all the logical, sensible argument in the world is so often no earthly use. You can drive yourself mad trying. And even if someone does accept your sane,reasoned argument, ten to one one they will have forgotten half an hour later. Or even two minutes later.

I know all too well that it is a lot easier said than done, but if you can, taking over and doing/arranging whatever is necessary, behind the scenes and with as little discussion as possible, is often the way to go.
 

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
109
0
Ramsgate
Have you sorted out power of attorney yet, I'm sure you're going to need it.

Thanks for your reply Nick - I have tried previously to sort out a Power Of Attorney but she would have none of it - I just got accused of wanting to steal all her money and get her out of her home. I also recommended that she go to a solicitor and put her affairs in their hands and she accepted that but has done nothing about it except to threaten me with it when I'm not playing ball with her - my answer is "yes mum, that's an excellent idea, please do it, I will even take you to the solicitor's office"! I reckon that once she's had her CT scan and we go to discuss the results, it will come up again then. What tends to happen is if someone in authority, like a doctor, recommends something she does it without argument.

With respect to the debit card issue - she keeps it, but doesn't know the PIN as I changed it recently to one I could remember. I get money out for her as she needs it, and I use it to pay for her shopping. She never goes out without me anyway so there's no danger there. I only worry about people who cold call. Every so often I get her to transfer money from her current account into her ISA so there's not too much in there - I need to do that again soon. She has telephone banking so I can make the call and enter the security numbers and all she has to do is ask the customer care person to talk to me.

When I went over yesterday to stay with her while her windows were fitted her appointment for the CT scan came through and I just said "the CMHT arranged it" which is true so there was no argument - had to cancel it anyway as it was for next week when I'm in Cornwall. I don't want to pin my hopes on the CT scan but I think it will help me to understand exactly what kind of dementia she has and the timescales involved and where to get the help she needs.

In the event she signed the cheque for the windows without argument and was delighted with them. So I needn't have worried anyway. I did her shopping while we waited for them and got her bank balance out for her while I was at it so she could see she could afford it.

I also took a phone call from her GP's surgery while I was there- she's missed four appointments for a fasting blood test and is in danger of being struck off the doctor's list. So I made the appointment for tomorrow and now all I have to do is make sure she doesn't eat anything tomorrow morning :rolleyes:

And I didn't need the Diazepam after all.

But thank you to all of you who took the trouble to reply.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
I am saddened to hear that the surgery is considering striking her off the list. They have done some tests and know there is a memory problem.

Where is their understanding!!!!

Jeannette
 

pippop1

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
498
0
We eventually got the Dr to agree that fasting blood tests would need to be skipped and they would still need to proscribe the drugs that she needed (which were supposed to be monitored by blood tests - but it wasn't crucial).

We told them we were not prepared to stay at her house overnight and get up if she got up at any hour of the night to see if she ate anything.

We told them that if they insisted on such a blood test they would need to take her into hospital so that they could watch her (ha ha) every minute until the time of the blood test. They gave in!