Not sure how much more I can take

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by BeverleyY, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    As some of you know, I pop on here from time to time. Mostly, I just try to get on with this as best I can.

    My Dad hasn't reached the 'trigger' points I had set where I would put him in a home (incontinent, violent, getting lost)... but, he is driving me totally round the twist:(

    I hope I don't offend anyone - but, I am coming to the point where I find it hard to hold my temper and am increasing finding myself shouting with frustration.

    The sphere he operates in is shrinking. He seems to have now lost the ability to make tea without flooding the work top with water (we got one of those instant hot water machines so he didn't have to use a kettle anymore - he's been fine with it until now and he keeps pressing and pressing and pressing the button and overflowing the cups).

    I have 2 kids (17 and 11) and Dad has lived with us 8 years. The last 3.5 years we have coped alone since losing my Mum.

    I am scared I am going to get to the point where I hate him (well - not him.. but this illness).

    I feel I have hands around my throat slowly strangling me.

    Moving him to a home is a devastating decision for me to make, but I am not sure how much longer I can do this before I start resenting him.

    Please tell me I'm not alone with these feelings? I have a demanding career and travel every week for my job - I am actually glad to be away from home for a night a week.

    I feel such a ***** and a failure for feeling like this but I really am getting to the point where sometimes I don't even want to engage in a conversation with Dad because I find it so stressful.

  2. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    Hi Beverly

    It's good to see you online. And to know you still feel you can turn to tp when things get too hard.

    Please don't feel like a failure. It sounds as though you do an amazing juggling act with the kids, your work and your Dad.

    Plenty of people on here have said how it's impossible to not lose it at some point.

    I guess, in my caring role, I was always "lucky" as looking after Grandad wasn't a full time thing - although it got more and more demanding before he moved into a CH for his own safety.

    Sending you big hugs, and hoping you get lots of support and practical advice from others
  3. sussexsue

    sussexsue Registered User

    Jun 10, 2009
    West Sussex

    I suspect we all feel like this (I know I often do). But get any ideas of a being a failure out of your head. You have done so much for both of your parents. I am struggling after 3 years, never mind 8.

    You say you are waiting for triggers to put him into a CH. These triggers may never actually come, but the point at which you totally break under the strain sounds like it is very close.

    Would it be so awful to put him in a CH now. Give him a chance to settle and make friends before he deteriorates any further. Is it maybe now time to give you and your children a chance at a more normal life.

    Lovely to see you on here again.

  4. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Thanks Sal.

    I'm lucky my husband is so supporting. Just feel I am (and have) ruined his young life putting him through this.

    My husband is 35. At what point does he turn round and say I lost my youth to caring for your parents.

    It's all getting very stressful - my husband shouted at my Dad yesterday for the first time.

    My husband painted the living room and then a month later someone had spilt tea up the wall... so he repainted the wall. We popped out and came in to find Dad carrying the french doors :)eek:) and a scratch on the freshly re-decorated wall..!

    My husband lost the plot.

    I just hate this illness. Hate it. It has robbed me of my Dad and left me with this person that invaded his body.

  5. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Sue

    Thanks for your kind words.

    I feel I have already robbed my kids of a normal life. My eldest is 17 and off to university next year.

    I have returned to TP because I feel I have nobody to turn to with my feelings. My sister has never been great and now doesn't even phone. She turns up every 3 or 4 weeks to see him so I can have a break. She doesn't cook for him if I go out - just buys him a cold snack or can of soup. She is just the laziest most selfish person ever and once my Dad dies I will no longer have a relationship with her.

    My best friend has always been there to listen for me, but in the past 3.5 years she herself has been loaded with many problems. First her baby (my godson) was diagnosed with a terminal illness. We don't know how long he has. And now she (aged 33) is waiting for a confirmed diagnosis of bone cancer. I feel I cannot burden her with any of my stresses anymore. I've taken on a lot from home helping her with her children (they have 6..!) and I often one or two of them stay here to lighten her load.

    I think I just need to let off steam here a bit.... and yes, come to the realisation that I have to start considering a care home before I literally turn into a miserable, whinging cow that feels bitter at the rubbish life has thrown my way.

    Beverley x
  6. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    Hi Sue

    you are not alone with these thoughts & feelings.

    I guess most of us have had them at one time or another.

    for me though the decision for dad to be in a CH was taken away from me & was made by the hospital after he had a prolonged stay

    I still feel guilty for the horrid thoughts & feelings I have but have to keep reminding myself it isn't dad I hate its the illness.
    I miss the dad I had, he was my best friend

    take care of you too

  7. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    Oh Beverly

    You can't carry on like that. Your poor friend. it's too much isn't it?! And so young. One of my closest friends has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer aged 36. Your friend is very lucky to have people like you to support her. I'm going to say to you what I hate people saying to me :)eek::rolleyes::p) - I know your friend needs you so much right now, but you do need to look out for yourself too. I'll PM you.

    In the end, my Grandad never reached any of the stages where I felt I would not be able to carry on looking after him (or I dealt with things as and when they happened and I didn't have time to think about it :rolleyes:). In the end, for him, it was a case of him moving to a CH for his own safety.

    What i can say, though, is it's a decision we haven't ever regretted. we did move him to a different home, but they are amazing.

    You do need to think about yourself, and your family. They are a very important factor in everything.

    Take care
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello Beverly
    No you are not alone in the way u feel .I shouted at mum sometimes felt dreadfully guilty afterwards .

    You may not have the triggers you expected that would lead to full time care for your dad
    but it seems to me though, that you are close to triggers you didnt expect to affect u so much .
    Maybe its time to seek respite care , to give you a break and talk with your family about whats best for everyone , without the constant worry about whats going to happen next , needing eyes in the back of your head ect
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Bev, get on to SS before you break. Dad needs respite care at least and you need some time away from him and away from all the stress, including that of your friend. I don't say this lightly, in fact time spent caring for outsiders can be theraputic, but when it means that you endanger your health and family life it's time to step back.
    I know that when you set the triggers for residential care, you thought you would last out, but girl, you are suffering. The goal posts moved and no one told you. Please seek help. Maureen.x.
  10. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Thanks everyone.

    I think I am going to try some respite care.

    He has been twice this year when my sister wouldn't have him when I went away (she won't have him in August when I am away either and he has to go into respite then).

    I think I need to try maybe a week a month - see how it goes.

    Thanks for all your comments.

    This illness is truly evil.

  11. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Kassy

    We've plodded on.... and got through. He drives me crackers but we try to laugh as much as we can but I'm scared the pressure is too much.

    Although it's not major and he still seems stable, the bubble he exists in gets gradually smaller and smaller. He is able to do less and less and gets confused more and more.

    It's awful but I sometimes wish one of those triggers would come that signal to me that the time is right. One of those 'well I had no choice' kind of situations.

    I feel at the moment I can still cope - it's just a case of whether I want to still cope or have the energy to.

    I guess that is the guilt isn't it. We want things to be taken out of our hands :(

    Beverley x
  12. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Guilts an awful thing.

    If I wait and something happens to him (he keeps walking out in front of traffic) - I'll feel guilty I didn't act sooner.

    If I put him in a home and he deteriorates quickly - I'll feel guilty for not keeping him with us and battling on.

    I feel whatever I do I'll hate myself forever :-(
  13. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    He's done a couple of stints this year when my sister wouldn't have him. He coped fine. When we picked him up he'd forgotten he'd slept there!

    Will call SS I think. Get some more help in the form of respite so we can all have a break and not just use respite when we go on holiday. Use it so we can just have a normal life sometimes.

  14. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    This week he turned the oven off when it was on programmer - dinner was rather delayed.

    Why did you do that Dad?

    'It wasn't me... the cat did it'.

  15. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    Beverley, hi
    Time for more respite I think, your sanity is so very important in all this.
    Whether it's the cat or your Dad that goes into care is for you to judge, oola where do they find the resources for these stories!
    Take very good care of yourself, with best wishes from Jo
  16. dottyd

    dottyd Registered User

    Jan 22, 2011
    I agree-we are not even at that stage and today/this morning I felt I could have slept the clock round.
  17. pippin_fort

    pippin_fort Registered User

    Sep 8, 2010
    Do not feel a failure for thinking of putting him in a home. I made the decision 2 months ago to do so and although I have had serious serious problems since it has only been because he had 2 mini stokes soon after getting to his first home. As long as you do your research and visit as many homes as you can in your area before deciding to do so I am sure that you will understand that many have gone before you and not regretted it.The CQC website will help you find the good ones, but only you will know what is right for your father as you know him best. If he has been living with you you will have a good relationship with him as I do with my dad. You may therefore feel that you can select 2 homes and take him to decide the final destination. You must understand however that you have not failed him, but there is only so much that we can cope with. If you go down so does he.

    Big hug through my own tears.
  18. Goingitalone

    Goingitalone Registered User

    Feb 11, 2010
    Hello, Beverley,

    I can identify with your feelings as to when is the 'right time' to find a care home for your Dad.

    Would the place he goes for respite be suitable? It sounds as though he's at ease there.

    I also agonised about when the time was right for Mum to go in. The decision was taken out of my hands by my brother's mental health team. Mum lived with him and he was cracking under the strain.

    Mum had only been in the home a short time when she had a fall and had to be taken to hospital. I wonder still what would have happened if she had fallen at home. It could have been much worse.

    I'm still feeling sad about the decision, it's been just over 3 weeks now and Mum seems so quiet and confused. I guess it will take time for her to really feel 'at home' there.

    But I know she is safe, not lying on the floor in pain, not sitting in wet clothes (she had started to forget why she had got up when she wanted the toilet) and, although getting to see her is a mission, she is always happy to see me.

    None of us WANT to make this decision. But if you crack it will definitely be taken out of your hands.

    By then it will be too late.


  19. patricia1958

    patricia1958 Registered User

    Jan 30, 2011
    Hi Beverley.

    I can understand what you are going through I had to put my mum into a care home in February the 26th a day I won't forget one of the hardest. I started by going everyday to see her. She settled in better that we expected seemed happier than she had been for a while. She would watch every thing going on thinks of the other people as children and thinks she works there. Over the last few months I had gone down to every other day trying to get a balance between mum and the rest of my family. The home has been great the staff have been wonderful their job is not easy and their hours are long but the time they give the residents is good they look after all their needs and have time to talk to them and there are activities for the residents memory games and exercises easy ones for the residents to do and sing along. Mum has deteriorated on to another level she has good times and bad. Times when she thinks the place is the best ever and times she just wants to leave even saying that she is fed up with the job and wants to leave. I Take her out now and again going for lunch some shopping and she has refused to leave the car to go back in but with a little persuasion she goes in and we say our goodbyes. I looked around a lot of nursing homes some you wouldn't put an animal in and others that were a little bit more like hotels than care home which maybe nice for the relatives who visit but not practical for the residents my mum doesn’t even know that there is a toilet right next to her room never mind going to a hairdressers on the 3rd floor or going to the library on the ground floor where people were just sleeping. I would say that the important things to look for in a nursing home is staff and how many staff they have ask them how long they have worked there and what training they have find out what knowledge they have on dementia by asking them questions and also important to see how they interact with the residents. When your relative ends up in a care home you have better quality time together and when times are bad you can go home to your own haven and recharge you battery for you next visit. You will always have that guilt feeling but you learn to cope with it and you can then start to have your life back. It does get easier. I hope this helps you in so way Patricia

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