Not sure how much longer I can look after mum

[Pinnochio]

Hi, I haven't posted much on here, however I am a long way from my post of 2 years ago!
Mum is now 85 last June, won't take her medications for incontinence and dementia and adcal or anything else she chews them if they get into her mouth then spits them back at me!
Still awkward to get her to eat but she has survived another 2 years from my last post so the sweet stuff must keep her going!
She won't let me wash her, In the end every week we have a major battle, she slaps me (doesn't hurt at all) and calls me names! the major problem I now have is incontinence, she won't let me deal with the incontinence pants or anything, just resists all the looking after I try to do! Now sleeping a lot of the day either in bed or on a bed settee, communication is a big problem as she can't understand anything.
At her last assesment in December she scored 6/30 for the MMSE. I really don't know how to proceed!
Social services visited in December also, say can offer help but think my mum will make outside help difficult!
Phew................ feel better now!

 

[angecmc]

You have done so well to get this far with your Mum, you must be worn out, I always said to Dad that once Mum became aggressive and incontinent it would be too much for myself and him to carry on caring, he didn't like it and eventually I had to give him an ultimatum, I feel we got Mum into her care home just at the right time especially as I read posts from people on here now struggling to get help from SS, not to say I didn't have to battle with them. If you have had enough, the time has come xx

Ange

 

[Isabella]

Sorry that you are struggling. I wonder if your mum might actually be more receptive to outside help than from you? My mum would often refuse my help with things but not mind the carers doing it, maybe something to do with accepting help from her daughter. Might be worth trying it, see how you get on?

 

[Miss shiraz]

I agree with ange and isabella, and do think your mum may accept it more if she's told by a doctor, SS or a 3rd party. I've also seen other posts saying this. My MIL doesn't like accepting any instruction from her son or me. You can tell by the look on her face and no eye contact. After all its her little boy telling her, the mother, what to do... how wrong!
You have done so much for your mum and think its time for you to get some help. My MIL is not this advanced but I'm not sure I'd be able to cope with some of experiences other TPers write about. None of us are experts or trained carers and learn as we go along.
as well as getting help for you, its also ensuring your mum gets the very best possible care.
Good luck

 

[Pinnochio]

You have done so well to get this far with your Mum, you must be worn out, I always said to Dad that once Mum became aggressive and incontinent it would be too much for myself and him to carry on caring, he didn't like it and eventually I had to give him an ultimatum, I feel we got Mum into her care home just at the right time especially as I read posts from people on here now struggling to get help from SS, not to say I didn't have to battle with them. If you have had enough, the time has come xx

Ange

Hi Ange,
I do feel worn out with it all, rang social worker yesterday who came out just before xmas, however, he is away till 5th Feb so got to ring him then! meanwhile I am supposed to hear about some care in the mornings in the next 2 weeks, meanwhile, mum won't get up this morning, I have had to clean all the bedroom due to the now incontinence which has developed over the last few weeks! I do feel out of my depth really, you are not trained how to look after an elderly person with Alzheimers, being responsible for their welfare etc! Social services had the wrong date of birth then gave the wrong name and really wanted me to wait for the case worker to return! Not impressed really about the help or complete lack of help!

 

[angecmc]

Hi, I would ring them back and say you can't wait that long, they must have a duty SW that could come out to you, also have you contacted your GP regarding the incontinence, they may have a nurse who can advise you, you should be able to get incontinence pads or pants for free, they don't give you many, but it does help with the finances. When you speak to SS tell them how exhausted you are and you fear you may not be able to continue with the caring as you are heading for career breakdown, don't be embarrassed to cry while you are on the phone, you must let them see how desperate you are for help, they have a duty of care for your Mum, you don't! Keep ringing every day, he who shouts loudest gets the help these days, take care xx

Ange

 

[Pinnochio]

Hi,
So, we got a phone call yesterday afternoon to arrange an appt for an assesment of a care package, (too late in my opinion, I asked for one 10 months ago!) anyway, she has taken to her bed since Friday teatime, not eating, only drunk 2 sips of complan so I have called out of hours to see what needs to be done! Would have waited till tomorrow however I think going without fluid is quite dangerous! Will post and say what became of the out of hours visit

 

[angecmc]

Hope you got some help from out of hours x

Ange

 

[ElaineW]

I have gone through all of this with my mum and incontinence has been a very big problem (and still is at times). Loperamide seems to be the only thing which has helped but if your mum won't take the meds (which often my mum wont) then you're up against a brick wall. Unfortunately there isn't an easy answer for incontinence issues but if you think you could get the Loperamide into your mum I would well recommend it - I try to get 3 a day into mum if I can. My thoughts are with you as I truly can sympathise with you. xx

 

[Pinnochio]

I can't believe it, after this week with the wrong date of birth, then wrong name, then saying we'd already had a visit, now the on-call GP hasn't phoned back! Meanwhile my son and his daughter (she's cute and aged 4) have between them managed to get a spoonful of ice cream down her whilst she is laying in bed plus another 3 sips of complan, I guess this will tide her overnight. She doesn't seem to have been to the toilet although she is wearing incontinence pants. !!!!!!!

 

[Pinnochio]

Just a follow on really, Gp visited today, mum has chest infection, so antibiotics, steroids also change her inhaler.

She is really tired and worn out, the GP is suprised I have managed on my own up to now, he has firmly said though that she really needs to be in a nursing home now for her own safety. Not sure how I feel about that, guess its the way forward! Social worker away till 5th Feb so have to speak to him then, only just got a care package sorted for morning calls starting next week!

How bewildering it all is!