Not so much a blog - more notes and thoughts

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
Thank you to all of you who have posted here since my message of yesterday around tea-time. And a special word of thanks to 2jays for providing the link to the verses. (One day I will learn to do things like that.:):eek::))

Sue, I go down to the beach hut almost every day of the week, sometimes for a run, sometimes just to sit in the sun (and there's been a surprising amount of that just lately) and sometimes just to have a cup of coffee and a stroll along the beach - with an umbrella up if necessary.

Jussiejus, all that can be said of my hair is that it's grey and it's curly - so much so that I can and do quite often cut it myself and the curliness covers up all the mistakes I make.

Sue, you must be so proud of your GP daughter.

Loo, thank you for your good wishes. I did a short run this morning and am now not quite sure whether I should have rested up a bit longer - although the doctor didn't seem to think it was necessary. But I am relieved that he didn't tell me I should stop because of my age. He is very keen that I should continue with it as long as possible, which is really encouraging.

Once again, my love and thanks to you all.
Love, Nan XXX
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
A request ....

I have not logged on for about two weeks and, having logged on this morning, I am afraid I have not looked to see what is happening on anyone else's threads.

I seem to have been overtaken by a second wave of grief after losing Brian on the 1st July last year. Little incidents that I could perhaps have handled better or differently keep playing through my head. They are very, very upsetting. Any wise words or spare hugs would be most welcome.

My love to all of you,
Nan XXX
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Huge hugs nan

I wonder, when you think of all the things you think you could have done better - you also try to remember all the excellent things you did, despite the difficulties aswell?

Hindsight is a miserable thing - not worth the pain it can cause - we all do the best we can, with the knowledge we have at the time, and some like you go beyond the call of duty....

More hugs nan
Xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,545
Kent
Dear Nan

I suspect you are suffering a delayed reaction Nan. You were so positive after Brian died, possibly a form of relief the suffering was over.

Now you are well rested and recovering physically the grief is kicking in.

It`s so easy to be wise with hindsight and renewed strength.

When I see how stable Dhiren is, I wonder if I could have kept him at home for longer, losing sight of what drove me to make the decision in the first place.

You know you can`t bring Brian back but now have the luxury of doubting the quality of your care.

You did everything you could at the time Nan with the resources available.

I`m sorry you are feeling as you do, but grief cannot be controlled, I suppose it can hit you when you least expect it.

I`m sure you will get through this painful period as you got through everything else. xx
 

bemused1

Registered User
Mar 4, 2012
3,402
I have not logged on for about two weeks and, having logged on this morning, I am afraid I have not looked to see what is happening on anyone else's threads.

I seem to have been overtaken by a second wave of grief after losing Brian on the 1st July last year. Little incidents that I could perhaps have handled better or differently keep playing through my head. They are very, very upsetting. Any wise words or spare hugs would be most welcome.

My love to all of you,
Nan XXX
For your help to me, I can only say, don't dwell. We do what we have to do and thanks to people like you others can do a better job than they would do alone. I am learning very fast that you can only do what feels right to you there is no rule book and we are all different.

So try thinking of good things,easier said than done and big thank you for your time and help to others. Brian would be proud of you.
 

Contrary Mary

Registered User
Jun 11, 2010
1,895
66
Greater London
I can certainly spare a (((HUG))), Nan. Sylvia's post says it all, I think. All sorts of triggers can bring back all sorts of memories, can't they? It's a shame that the weather forecast is not good, not really beach hut weather, although is it nice and cosy inside?
I'm still finding it difficult to settle down indoors, and would much rather be out and about come what may.

Thinking of you.
Mary
x
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,514
Near Southampton
Dear Nan

I can well understand your feelings even though I appreciate I have not experienced the loss you have, but the feelings that what we have done we maybe could have done differently, handled a situation in a more accomodating way, or, in my case, just have reacted more empathetically are all very familiar to me. As you know, I also fret continually about whether i've made the right decision regarding the choice of nursing home, even that Dave should be in a nursing home at all.However, I do concede that we can only ever do our best and we are human.

You, Nan, were a wonderful, caring wife to Brian. Your posts so often made me shed tears. I think Sylvia is right that you now have the time to think about the latter years. Your grief is still very raw but you have passed into a different stage of grief maybe, where you are realising that after the pain and heartache of recent months and having to be brave, that it doesn't end and you still have to carry on, still crying inside.

I'm sorry if I've not expressed that well. It's just the way I think I would feel. It is, after all, life changing to lose your husband. Please be kind to yourself. I am sending all the hugs I can muster up - and lots of love XXXXX
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Dear Nan,

First of all I'd love to offer a (HUG):) Grief is a peculiar thing. It seems to have an unpredictable life force all of its very own. I hope you can feel supported during this time by us on Talking Point. There seem to be more and more of us dealing with grief one way or another.

I am certain that there were times that I could have done things better but I choose to dwell on the things that I did quite well. I think it's because I can't go back and change things and I know that things would have been so much worse for Alan without my kind of caring. I would think it would have been the same for your Brian. We were always people with human frailties. We got tired, we got ill, we were uninformed and ignorant about certain aspects of the disease, we became afraid. We grew, we learned, we took care of ourselves - we really did do our best.

Love and another (HUG)
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
Thank you

Dear 2jays, Sylvia, bemused, Mary, Izzy, Jennie, Saffie and Helen,

A huge thank you to all of you for your posts. You are all so very kind and understanding.

I have just this moment re-read a post from dear Loo (which I copied out and stuck on the side of the 'fridge). She was quoting from someone who had written "Grief is not linear, it turns out. It comes in waves ...." and I suppose that is what has hit me just recently - another wave.

There were indeed some very wise words in amongst those hugs you have sent me to-day, and I am very much moved and cheered by them.

My love and thanks to you all,
Nan XXX

PS for Mary: I have looked back through the kitchen diary and see that I have been down to the beach hut six days out of every seven for the last six weeks. We had a run of really good weather and although it has now turned colder again, it is still bright and sunny. It is somewhere to go, to get me out of the house each day and stop me from "dwelling", as bemused would say. I have my morning coffee down there - but then still have to come home to the empty house ... But I do realise how very fortunate I am to have somewhere to go. And yes, it is cosy in there if it turns cold. XXX
 

Contrary Mary

Registered User
Jun 11, 2010
1,895
66
Greater London
Dear Nan

How are you this morning? I hope you managed a reasonable night. The weather here is grey and miserable, but hopefully the rain will ease this afternoon.

Life is so different without your loved one to care for, and it is a huge adjustment for anyone after years dealing with something like dementia. It is hardly surprising that the "waves" ripple on for some time, and when I am feeling down, I do take some comfort in the fact that it is only to be expected. Although, thoughts are powerful things aren't they?

I hope you can manage a spell of peace at the beach hut today.

Thinking of you with much love
Mary
x
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Morning Nan,

Thinking about you this morning. One thing you seem to do very well is communicate:) It might help to use TP a little more at times such as this? Or, find ways to use this gift of yours.

Love
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
Dear Helen and Mary, thank you both for your further posts.

Mary, it tipped down with rain this morning as I was getting ready to go out - so I went to Asda instead of the beach hut.:) And then to Homebase to buy some paint and made an impulse purchase of a small shrub, a buffalo currant (supposed to have very sweetly scented flowers in the spring.) I have just looked at your profile and see that you lost your dear mum only back in January, so your loss is even more recent than mine.

Helen, for the time that I was feeling very low (feeling somehow cheated out of more time I should have had with Brian), I felt I could not come to TP and read of everyone else's very sad struggles coping with all the various forms of dementia. And then I felt rather selfish for thinking that way - and then a bit guilty. And then I thought the only people who would really understand are the very people I am not "tuning into", i.e. all those at TP who are going through or have gone through the "dementia mill". So I posted my "request". So, yes, you are right, it might very well help to use TP a little more at these times. My "gift"? My eldest son has more than once suggested I collect together all the dementia poems, some of my posts at TP and extracts from my diary to string them all together, but at the moment I still get upset when I go back to them. My "coping strategy" was to forget the unhappy times by writing them down to be rid of them and I think it is perhaps still too soon to return to them, although I have managed to get all the poems together, forty in all. Maybe after more time has passed.

Crimes, it has got very late suddenly, hasn't it. I hope you are both tucked up in bed and fast asleep. Goodnight to you both and thank you again,

Love, Nan XXX
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,514
Near Southampton
Nan, what a lovely son you have to be so understanding and helpful. Sensible advice too and I'm glad that you have started to collect your poems together - just little steps, taken slowly. I hope you are feeling at least a little better today.

I'm sorry but I cannot see Asda as any sort of substitute for your lovely beach hut - in any weather. I would imagine it would be lovely to be in your beach hut with the rain pouring down and the waves crashing - just the way I love the beach! My family have always thought I'm strange! The weather is very unpredictable at present isn't it , but then it is April. Seems strange to get the appropriate weather at the right time as it hasn't been happening like that over recent years.

Sending further hugs and, as always, very best wishes.X
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
Dear Saffie,

Thank you for your post, which made me laugh aloud - and I haven't done much of that lately.

Yes, Matthew, the eldest of our three boys (and who by chance was the only one with me when Brian died), does give me some very sound advice. He was due to come over from France at Easter, but one of the grandchildren's passports had expired and the new one didn't come through soon enough. I think he is coming over again, on his own this time, in two or three weeks' time. I am so looking forward to that. Telephone calls are lovely, but not quite the same, are they.

I am going to try now to catch up with some threads here at TP now, yours and Loo's being the top of the list.

With love,
Nan XXX
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Hi Nan,

I can identify with much of what you said about the reasons for not using TP so much. I found it very different once Alan had died. I do find it a fantastic place though for feeling 'connected'. Selfishly, it really is so nice to see your name:) It has rained here all day so I went swimming. No, not in the rain:D Then I cooked for the rest of the morning. We've just been called out to unblock one of our relative's shower and sink.

Love x
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
))Dear Helen, thank you for your very kind post.

"I found it (TP) very different once Alan had died." That is exactly it, Helen. You somehow feel yourself to be a spectator rather than a participant, even though you took part yourself for years. But, yes, I do feel very connected here with a lot of people, people whom I have never met but now love and worry about.

You are having a busy day, a swim, then cooking, then this "unblocking" mission, which I hope has gone or is going well. (By coincidence, I had a plumber here yesterday to fix three reluctant taps. It took him two hours to do it, mostly because he talked non-stop about his hobby, militaria - but he charged only £10 per tap so I certainly wasn't paying for his time.:):) Perhaps the cup of tea and Asda double chocolate cookie helped ...)

Love, Nan XXX
 

Bastan

Registered User
Feb 10, 2011
483
Manchester
Dear Nan,

I've just read through this whole thread and I'm absolutely sure you did everything and more than you possibly could for Brian.

For some reason, often unknown, the chatter box inside our head switches on and torments us, which is very upsetting. Deep in your heart you know you gave Brian all the love and care that was humanly possible.

I am sorry you are feeling the loss of Brian so raw again, it really is still early days when you think of the lifetime you shared. I think grief is like this, it can consume us and sometimes we can do nothing but go through it.

I always seem to be going on about living in the moment, but it really can help us to live more joyously. Here's my little saying again...

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present

If we live in the day, our past cannot haunt us and our future cannot worry us.....

Nan you are a special lady who has helped so many of us. I wish you peace and happiness and a renewed enjoyment of life.

Much love as always Bastan xxx
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
Dorset
Dear dear Bastan,

Thank you so much for your post. I think your little saying is lovely. I am going to write it out and put it on the side of my 'fridge.

I had a couple of weeks of sleeping really badly, waking up sometimes only an hour or two after going to bed and then several times thereafter, and lying there in the dark I was recalling things, little incidents, where I would have handled things differently if they had occurred now - all of which is a pointless exercise, of course, but it was upsetting. I am very glad to say that I appear to have come up out of that a bit, hugely helped by all the very kind replies I received here - and now your equally kind one as well.

You have quite probably forgotten asking me, but I have been very aware that I never got around to replying to your friendly request asking me to post how I was getting on and what I was doing. You have probably gathered that part of every morning (if not all of it) is spent down at my beach hut, where I do a run and then swim (if the sun is shining warmly), or do a sea-shell hunt (specifically for Pelican's Foot shells which are very beautiful but quite hard to find), or just sit in the sun on the balcony with pencil and paper and mug of coffee to hand. I know more people with beach huts than I do in my own road. I stepped onto the promenade this morning at five past nine and left to come home shortly after eleven, when it began to cloud over. I find being by the sea immensely soothing, whether it is calm or rough. The sea somehow puts life into perspective. The night sky has much the same effect ... Enough of me and my musings.

I have just read through your post again, Bastan. Thank you so very much.

Love, Nan XXX