Not so much a blog - more notes and thoughts

[Nan2seven]

Dear Sylvia, Sue, Karen, Loo, Saffie and Flowerpot - Thank you all for your posts.

Loo, I am so glad your got your refunds for the back years of Council Tax, even though they were per centage payments for the years 2009 and 2010. It was the chap who came to do a Financial Assessment of Brian's income and outgoings (to see what he would have to pay towards going to the Day Centre - it worked out at £9 per day with travel included - in contrast to to-day's costs) who told me that as from the date of Brian's diagnosis of vascular dementia, we could get a 25% discount on Council Tax. The diagnosis was made in February so we got a bit of a refund and then the discount began with the new Tax Year, April. And has continued ever since.

I tried ringing Age UK about something, Loo, something to do with the house, but I could never get through. Same with the local Citizen's Advice Bureau. In the end I rang the Land Registry itself, getting the number from its website, and they were so very helpful. And I found the same with the DWP - they could not have been more helpful - and kind.

Saffie, I know exactly how you are feeling. Shall I go? What if something happened? It is a decision only you can make, of course. Much as you would like to go, you wonder if your anxiety at being further away than usual would overshadow your enjoyment. It may be that Dave will settle in a while and you will be able to consider taking a few days off and know that he would not be upset or miss you. Once he has quite settled into the routine of the care home, you may feel much more at ease about a few days off - and I am quite sure that it would do you the world of good.

I have just read all of your replies again and am beginning to feel that yes, I could do with a few days in a completely different setting, arm in arm with dear friend. Plus, of course, I would get to see my two youngest grandchildren again, ten and six, and dear DIL and eldest son. Very much something to look forward to. And things to look forward to have been a bit thin on the ground this year. This would definitely outweigh any angst about travelling.

Love to you all,
Nan XXX

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Nan

Your last paragraph was good to read, the beginning of you beginning to look forward to your visit to son and family in Paris, seeing your grandchildren again, and enjoying your friend's company. When things to look forward to have been thin on the ground and life beyond dementia has retreated it is difficult to suddenly step back into it. Hopefully the more you gradually look forward to the break the less the angst shall become.

I wrote rather too much in your thread about Pension Credit and Council Tax, really a seperate thread subject. Just a quick 'by-the-way'; as a single occupant you should, I think, now qualify for more than a 25% CT reduction. Pension Credit may also affect by how much.

Hope the black clouds did pass over this morning and you had sunshine for your jog and swim.

With love
Loo xxx

 

[Saffie]

Dear Nan,

I've been trying to write what I was feeling here earlier and abandoned it because I felt what I was writing might cause you offence. Then I read your poem and it so reflected my thoughts that i thought you would probably understand.

It's just that I was thinking of you when I awoke in the early hours and thinking of your comment on my thread about visiting Brian every day. I put myself in your position, which I know I cannot totally, and that led to me thinking how much your life has changed recently and how brave you have, and are being.

To an onlooker, it might appear, superficially, not that different, as you have been living alone, like so many of us here, with all the problems and responsibility that brings with it, for some time. Carrying out daily rituals etc. But, in truth, it has altered beyond anything we can possibly comprehend and can only imagine. I do feel for you, so much and admire the way you are here to help those of us who follow you on that dark journey.

Your poem is so poignant and expressive. I do hope the writing of it helps you release some of the sorrow and grief you are feeling. I know your Brian would be very proud of you. With fond love X

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Nan

I seem to be wordless tonight, for a change. I have just come from reading your poem, and now I have read Saffie's words to you. They expressed my own thoughts and feelings although Saffie has done so much better than I could. I can only echo her words....

My love
Loo xxxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Loo, thank you for your Tuesday's post.

I perhaps didn't make clear that the Pension Credit payment due to me is only to cover two months (of the five) Brian was in care. I will not qualify after the date of death as my pension payment goes up considerably, helped by "inheriting" half of Brian's SERPS income. So I won't get more than the 25% discount on Council Tax.

And thank you for your yesterday's post as well. So very kind.

Love, Nan XXX

PS: Have just learned from letter in this morning's post that I inherit 100% of Brian's SERPS because he was born in 1931. I am surprised and very pleased ...

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Saffie,

Thank you also for yesterday's post. As I read the first few lines I immediately thought that nothing you could write, dear Saffie, could in any way give offence.

I read on and was reduced to tears - in the nicest possible way. You are absolutely right in that, superficially, my life has not changed that much: I had come to accept that I now lived on my own once Brian went into care - and even that was helped to some degree by the weeks at a time he had spent in hospital before that. But it is the loss of Brian and the sorrow for all of Brian's losses over the final two years that constantly keep popping into one's head, unbidden, that are so hard to deal with. And the daily gap of the two hours between five and seven, which was when I used to visit, that has to be somehow meaningfully filled.

I have neighbours who kindly drop by - and I am always pleased to see them - and friends and cousins who ring to make sure I am not feeling lonely, and the three boys ring, of course. They are all very kind and mean so well, but really one has to get through it alone.

It is, in a way, a continuation of the grief I felt when Brian became more and more taken over by the dementia. One simply has to come to terms with it. Over this last month I reached the lowest possible point, but now I can see a few chinks of light. The trip to Paris, for example.

And, at the risk of sounding more than a little eccentric, I do talk to Brian every day. I understand that a lot of recently bereaved people do and I can now fully understand it. I suppose I am addressing his memory, and what I know he would be thinking and how he would be wanting me to be - happy and active rather than sad and coming to a standstill. But, naturally enough, even talking to him makes me cry on occasions. But it all seems to help. And whatever helps can only be good, can't it.

Thank you again, Saffie, for your very kind post.

Love, Nan XXX

 

[Loopiloo]

Sorry Nan, posted to your thread instead of Saffy's. Shall move it there.

My love
Loo xxx

 

[Saffie]

Dear Nan
I do understand your need to talk to Brian. I used to talk to my mother after she died years ago after suffering from this same illness. I don't to Dave now because - isn't it strange - I think it's because he is still here and , as he is now, wouldn't converse back to me in the way I would want. Does that make any sense at all.

I understand what you mean about the visiting time too. That must be really hard as that time became a daily ritual, especially if you never missed a day. Is there something special you do at that time now help to make it pass?

I would like to vary the time I visit Dave but I do find that the afternoon seems the best time to go. I do go earlier and later but mornings are a busy time there with carers getting people up and by the evening, I'm plain tired. Once the evenings draw in I will want to be home before dark too as I have a cararact as well as the glaucoma which makes night driving a bit of a trial.

I did write here about how fortunate you are with your neighbours and added more but have deleted what I wrote and settled for "There's nought so queer as folk" which reflects roughly what i would have written about some of my neighbours - though not all I must say.

I'm sure you will have a lovely time in Paris especially with your friend as well. How lovely of your son to arrange it with her. It probably seems strange to you but i have never been to Paris. Always wanted to go and have been elsewhere in France but somehow never made Paris.

I think I must eat I hope you have a peaceful night. Nan. Lots of love X

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Nan

Sorry, I forgot about the change in your pension following Brian's death, hence only the 25% Council Tax reduction. Good news that you inherit 100% of Brian's SERPS.

I found it difficult writing the above words, 'Brian's death', and can only imagine your feelings living with that. Here I am unable to come to terms with my husband living in a care home for the rest of his life, the finality of it, and you are living with the ultimate finality.

I don't think you are at all eccentric talking to Brian every day. It is not uncommon, and if it helps you then, yes, it can only be good. We do not know how we will cope with the death of our life's partner but I think I might also talk to Henry. I almost never stop thinking of him, he is a constant in my mind, only out of it here and there when my mind is fully concentrated on something else, and then he is back there. He is my last thought before sleep and the instant I awaken he is there. If he died then talking to him would not feel unnatural to me. It may sound eccentric of me to say that wherever he was, if anywhere, I think he would be pleased that I did.

Ii is good that you are beginning to see a few chinks of light, Nan. It will as you know take time to move through your grief, crying is part of it and we were given the ability to shed tears for a reason.

I often think about and re-read your poems, and I hope in the writing you find solace...

Hope I am not intruding.

Thinking of you
With love
Loo xxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Saffie, thank you for your post. "Does that make any sense at all?" you wrote, of not talking aloud to Dave through the day. It makes perfect sense to me because I felt exactly the same way. Brian was beyond discussing things with, but did like (I think) to be told things: that I had spent a couple of hours at the beach hut, that youngest son was down for the coming weekend and would come in and visit, that the chaps at his golf club had asked after him, that sort of thing. But now and then I simply ran out of things to tell him and, once the meal was finished, I would sometimes simply stand beside his chair (it was one of those large, adjustable, very high ones) and stroke his hair until he fell asleep.

I used to have some tea and biscuits at four before going in to see Brian. I have moved that back to five and then do a job of some sort. Something I have been meaning to get around to but have so far failed. It might be nothing more than mowing the lawn and clipping all the edges AS WELL. Or dealing with a piece of mail that has been put aside. A few days ago I emptied three of four bookshelves and moved a bookcase from one wall to another - so I could slot in a single bed I had moved the day before from one small bedroom to another. (Sorting those two rooms out has kept me pretty busy and it's still not yet finished.) So I make sure I am doing something productive, something that keeps me pretty busy. Then when I have done for the day, I invite Brian to comment on my industry .... And then it's time to get my evening meal.

Like you, I tried to vary the times I visited now and then, but found that if I went in in the mornings, by the time Brian was breakfasted, washed and dressed, all he wanted to do really was to have a sleep to re-charge his batteries. Going in the middle of the afternoon didn't work either - so as it also meant I was able to free up one of the care assistants by helping Brian with his meal, I ended up going in every day at five.

It has just begun to pour with rain here and there are huge flashes of lightning and claps of thunder. I wonder if it has reached you yet, Saffie. I have gone round closing windows because the house suddenly seemed full of draughts. Probably just my imagination.

Thinking of you and Dave and sending my love,
Nan XXX

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Loo, you could not possibly intrude.

Thank you for your post. Talking to Brian does seem very natural, and from what you have written, I can see that you will at some future date perhaps be talking in much the same way to Henry. And as Saffie has already talked to her dear mother in the past ....

I had to register Brian's death with several companies after picking up the Death Certificate from the Registrar's office, and each letter began with the words "My husband died on 1st July 2011" - and each time I wrote it, it seemed unreal. It still does. "What is your marital status?" I was asked recently, filling in a form BECAUSE Brian had died. It was the one and only time I have written the word "Widow" so far. And that seemed unreal, too.

I was walking back to my car from the beach hut this morning and was suddenly completely overwhelmed, wept, shoulders heaving, diving into my bag for a man-sized tissue and hoping no-one would come down the path I was on. Fortunately no-one did and I had a good blow and wiped my eyes. It was the suddenness of it that surprised me. I had been perfectly happy a few moments before, but then memories of Brian and I together and our delight in our (then) three small boys was suddenly too much. But it passed and I carried on back to the car. I am beginning to discover that grief can hit you very unexpectedly. This is yet another steep learning curve ...

Thinking of you and Henry and sending love,
Nan XXX

 

[AlsoConfused]

To be able to look back with love and memories of shared happiness and partnership strikes me as being one of the best human experiences, heart-rending though it is at the time. Hugs.

 

[Saffie]

Dear Nan

has just begun to pour with rain here and there are huge flashes of lightning and claps of thunder. I wonder if it has reached you yet, Saffie. I have gone round closing windows because the house suddenly seemed full of draughts. Probably just my imagination.

Yes, it reached us soon after.We had some thunder the previous night too. I have to confess that i really don't like it now. As a child I loved thunderstorms but now I know what damage they can cause, I get quite nervous sometimeswhen it seems to be right overhead. Fortunately, my dog is not too worried once I tell her it's ok. I have my elder daughter's huge Golden labrador with me at present too as they are camping in Devon. i wasn't sure how he would react but he didn't seem too bothered either!

I do feel for you with your grief overcoming you unexpectedly. It is when you least anticipate it isn't it? I think we gird ourseves up to keep it in check when something we think will upset us happens but it hits at times we cannot control.

I've been rearranging bedrooms too. I brought bedroom stuff downstairs last October ready for when Dave came home but, of course, have had to take that back upstairs now, so everywhere is in a bit of a mess. The room downstairs was a bedroom once as this is a chalet, but has had french doors fitted and is a bit of everything now, garden room. office, playroom. It's where I have my computer - that had to be moved into the hall as did bookshelves etc.

They are back here now and one bedroom is fine - i decorated it when its furniture was downstairs- but the other 2 upstairs need sorting. I've taken out 2 fitted wardrobes which were falling apart from the main bedroom and have arranged for a chap to come and fit sliding wardrobe doors. However, I have yet to buy them - we've been planning to replace the bedroom furniture for years so I'm trying to actually get it done now. I don't have much enthusiasm for it though which is why I knocked out the wardrobes - I'll have to do something now!

I hope your beach huts aren't anywhere near those which were set alight at the weekend. Such a shame.

Love to you. X

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear AlsoConfused,

Thank you for your post, and thank you in particular for your hugs.

"One of the best human experiences" - you are absolutely right, AC, and I thank you for pointing that out to me. I must try to alter the way in which I look at memories so that I can see them as something beautiful rather than something that upsets me and makes me cry. I knew Brian for 52 years and as several people said to me at the funeral, "he was a bit special".

Yesterday I had just seen a dear little chap, about two years old, happiness personified and racing his mum on the promenade, his sturdy little legs going like the clappers as he ran. I passed him WALKING and beamed at him and at his mum. And recalled our own three boys at that age as I walked up the path ...

I don't doubt that I will be caught out again at some point, but I will remember your wise words. Thank you again.

Love, Nan XXX

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Saffie,

Thank you for your post.

I too have some fitted bedroom furniture that has really rather come to the end of its lifespan. Some of the drawers no longer slide out very willingly, and a few of the cupboard doors are just a little bit askew. But I am not as bold as you are, knocking out the wardrobes. I do envy people who feel confident enough to do their own decorating. I can wield a big brush and do the "middle" bits, but Brian always used to do the "cutting in". Golly, but it's a long time since any decorating was done in this house ....

Nice that you now have your computer set up in what amounts to a garden room *** office. We have only the lounge-diner and the kitchen downstairs - the rest of the ground floor is taken up with the integral garage - but four bedrooms upstairs. This is a really tiny one, about 7 ft by 7, and ideal for a small office. And I can stand at the window and gaze down on the back garden - something I do quite a lot of.

Looked up the news for Dorset when I read your final paragraph. Those beach huts were in Weymouth and I am some distance from there. But as you say, what a shame. Ours do get broken into very occasionally, but more likely just for a place to sleep than to do any lasting damage. I just do not understand the mindless vandalism that goes on in some places ...

I have yet to go to your thread, Saffie, to find out how your day went. I do hope it went well.

Love to you and Dave,
Nan XXX

 

[Saffie]

Dear Nan

I'm glad your beach hut isn't anywhere near the vandalism. Yes, what with the copy-cat violence and looting in the cities, I do fear sometimes for my grandchildren's future life. However, I daresay every generation has felt like that over the years. I know I was born in 1939 - roughly 3 months before war was declared, so I expect the future looked pretty uncertain then too!

The one positive about me now being on my own here is that I have always done the majority of the work around the house. Painting - all sorts, gardening, cutting down trees, repairing etc., even laying a patio of 2ftx2ft slabs, though that was over 25 years ago. Dave was always off with his rugby etc. and I used to like to get things done and finished. I think I'm suffering for it now though,especially the heavier work, as I have a problem with my neck and shoulders which doesn't help my headaches.

i also don't seem to have the energy I used to. Another volunteer in the Help room offered to paint one of the bedrooms in February and I accepted as i find the ceilings hard to do now. The trouble is that by the time I had cleared the room, taken all the hooks etc. out, filled the holes and sanded everything - things I wouldn't have bothered to do if I was going to do the painting - the rest of the work didn't seem so hard!

The rain seems to have stopped. Still very grey though. Everything seems to be a month early too and the mornings feel more like September, as do the evenings.

I'm so glad you have your Paris trip to look forward to. It helps to have a focus I think, something to act as a distraction when you are overcome with sadness. I must follow Loo's path and have a look at your beach but too. I don't think they are exclusively south coast as I remember a childhood seaside holiday on the east coast, before we moved back to Wales, and having the use of a beach hut there. Mind you, that was a long time ago and I think I only remeber it because it was the only holiday we had!

Must get ready for the alpacas1 Lots of love X

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Nan

Sorry I am late with this post to you.

I was walking back to my car from the beach hut this morning and was suddenly completely overwhelmed, wept, shoulders heaving, diving into my bag for a man-sized tissue and hoping no-one would come down the path I was on. Fortunately no-one did and I had a good blow and wiped my eyes. It was the suddenness of it that surprised me. I had been perfectly happy a few moments before, but then memories of Brian and I together and our delight in our (then) three small boys was suddenly too much. But it passed and I carried on back to the car. I am beginning to discover that grief can hit you very unexpectedly. This is yet another steep learning curve ...

Yes grief can hit you very unexpectedly, out of the blue. As Saffie said, we seem to control it when expecting something to upset us, but when not prepared, or even thinking about it, suddenly it can overwhelm, and with such depth.

I was looking in Henry's wardrobe for a picture we stored at the back of it - which we intended to hang, with others, once we did the decorating which never happened. I thought perhaps I could take it to the care home for Henry's bedroom, although not sure he would notice it. Seeing all his clothes which he shall never again wear - suits, blazer and suchlike - I suddenly closed the wardrobe doors. About three hours later, washing up and looking out of the window at the hills, reminding myself to fill the bird feeders, I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears. Yet at that moment I was not thinking about Henry, or his clothes in the wardrobe.

The reality can feel unreal, as when you for the first time wrote "Widow". Yes, yet another steep learning curve in life...

I must try to alter the way in which I look at memories so that I can see them as something beautiful rather than something that upsets me and makes me cry.

I think I wrote somewhere that I deliberately blanked out memories, and could not look at past photos, because it upset me so much comparing Henry as he was then with what he was becoming, due to dementia. This past two months or so this has reversed, I now find warmth and comfort remembering how we were, and have started looking at photos. We have heeps of them, and although many are in albums, many are not and I have an urge to look them out....

I hope that in time you will find your memories bring you peace, rather than tears. It will take time though, and you have to let yourself grieve. There is no telling how long grief takes, each person is different and deals with it in their own way. I am not expressing what I feel very well.

Complete change of subject... Unfortunately, much in this home needs sorted out, has been neglected for so long, but I can't summon the energy, or find the time, to 'put my house in order'. I admire Saffie for all the hard work she has been doing. I do it in my head but that is as far as it goes!

It is also a very long time since any decorating was done in this house, Nan, and the living room carpet is driving me mad. But I cannot have it replaced until the decorating is tackled. We always did it ourselves, well mainly me when I discovered Henry could not hang wall paper and we had to strip a wall, then I re-did it! But I couldn't painting ceilings! That and the doors, woodwork, was Henry's department.

I missed the news about beach huts being destroyed, at Weymouth you say. This terrible violence, looting and destruction seems to have rapidly spread in many parts It got out of hand so swiftly, and it is dreadful that people lost their homes and possessions. Police have even been sent from Scotland to help out. No one fears police or authority nowadays. Extremely frightening.

I should be in bed.... as you shall be. Are you still wakening around 5am, Nan? You must feel very tired or do you manage some sleep during the day? I remember during your nights when Brian was at home and you were up countless times you sometimes managed to catch up a bit on your sleep when alone.

With my love
Loo xxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Saffie and Loo,

Thank you both so much for your posts.

Between the ages of ten and sixteen, Saffie, I lived in a small village close to the little town of Whitstable in East Kent and there were beach huts all along the promenade there - and I used to think how lovely to have one of those to go to every day. The beach was entirely stones and pebbles and we used to spread a blanket down on it to sit on. Mother sometimes splashed out on a deckchair. Beach hut owners sat on their little verandahs on comfy chairs eating their packed lunches from folding tables. I never really expected I would have one of my own - and now that I do, I really love it.

I am so glad I have my Paris trip to look forward to. Our local grand department store is having a sale at the moment and I happened to pass the luggage department where they were selling expandable wheelie suitcases (those with an extendable handle) for half price. Since our smallest suitcase was one still big enough for Brian and me to share, it made sense to buy one on the spot, I thought. So I did. And I am not usually one for impulse buys unless it's less than a fiver ...

Dear Loo, I so felt for you, picturing you weeping into the washing-up. I too have masses of clothes here that I cannot yet bring myself to deal with. Brian always bought good quality clothes and they lasted him for years - and still look very good. When he went into the care home I knew they would never be worn again, most of them.

The first three weeks after Brian died I seemed to be in a little bubble of calm. I dealt with all the necessary letter-writing, informing everyone who needed to know, sent off copies of the Death Certificate, saw to everything I could think of and remained in a state of not getting too upset at all. But in the last two weeks it is as though the little bubble has entirely burst and although I still spend quite a bit of time talking to my darling Brian, I am now more likely to shed tears while doing it.

Over the last four or five days I have stopped carrying his ashes and the Order of Service with his picture on the front (a lovely picture) downstairs every morning because to pass them every time on my way between the lounge and the kitchen seemed to trigger more tears. And yet I feel guilty that he is "left upstairs". (Have shed more tears just writing that.) Perhaps I have just hit a very low patch.

I have this week spent time with Dear Friend on Wednesday, Cousin on Thursday and Youngest Son this afternoon - and Dear Neighbour also dropped by at just after two, so I am not without company. But I find that I am suddenly laid very low, without any obvious cause, at any time. (Well, of course, the obvious cause is that I have lost Brian, but it does seem to be coming more often now from out of the blue.) I do not dare leave home without a box of tissues.

Time is what I need, I suppose. It will all feel better by this time next year.

Love to you both,
Nan XXX

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Kassy, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Love, Nan XXX

 

[thatwoman]

Dear Nan,

Please be kind to yourself. You are doing really well, and it is entirely reasonable that you should embrace your feelings. When my Mum died, many years ago, my younger brother and sister were still at school. Dad tried to pretend that everything was normal for their sake, and hardly acknowledged his grief. It all caught up with him a year later and he had a complete breakdown. In the end grief needs to be worked through, and you have to accept it. One day you will be able to look back on times that you spent with Brian and smile with pleasure at the memory: it will take time, but that day will come. In the meantime, don't push yourself too hard, but allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have. Whatever you want to do is the right thing, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

You are often in my thoughts, Nan. Take care. In the words of my wise old Grandma, "Look after yourself because good people are scarce!"

Love and hugs,

Sue xxx