Not settling in the care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by EJ1978, Jul 30, 2019.

  1. EJ1978

    EJ1978 New member

    Apr 17, 2018
    My Dad (age 84) was diagnosed just over a year ago and has gone down hill recently. My mum (age 75) has been caring for him with some support from sitters. 2 weeks ago he had a series of falls which eventually resulted in an admission to hospital as he’d fallen down the stairs and banged his head, amongst other things. As he wanders, both day and night, my mum was not confident it was safe to have him home. We decided he should go to a local care home for respite with the probable plan of him remaining there. After 5 days in hospital he was discharged to the home on Friday. I was up from Hampshire visiting at the time and although clearly confused he seemed happy enough in his new room. However he had started to wander to the stairs, worrying everyone, and by Saturday afternoon he was very sad, sobbing during my Mum’s visit. She is now really unsure that he will be happy there, or safe if he continues to wander. She has approached a care agency about a trial of live in care as an alternative and is awaiting their response. I just wondered whether anyone had come across other possible alternatives? They live in Essex and SS offer no overnight care only visits daily. They are self funding at the moment due to savings. Any suggestions much appreciated. Thanks
  2. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    #2 Rosettastone57, Jul 30, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
    This scenario of a person with dementia being unhappy when first in the care home is very common . Some people take months to settle. I'm afraid that your dad will be unhappy wherever he is. It's all part and parcel of the illness. What you need to ask yourself is, in the long term, where will he be the safest? Even with live in carers, can the wandering be stopped? Many care agencies won't be able to deal with wandering and challenging behaviour. It sounds to me that your dad needs a whole team with the time and experience to look after him with constant supervision. There are members on here who can give their experiences of live in carers ,hopefully someone will be along soon
  3. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    I would stick with the care home for a while. Of course it is difficult for your mum to see your dad unhappy, but he needs time to settle into a new routine.

    My grandparents had live in carers. They were in their 90s and both needed care for different reasons (dementia and mobility) and it worked well for them, but it was only for 5 months (they died within 10 days of each other) so I don't know how it would have gone longer term. It really depends on the individual carer, and the needs of the person with dementia. If your dad disrupts the household despite the carer it will still be exhausting for your mother.
  4. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    I too think it is far too early to give up on the Care home.

    For me the advantage of a good Care home is the wide range of qualified staff available, the training and support systems and the shift system with replacement of those on holiday or off sick. All of these are hard to replicate fully with live in Care and the burden would still be on your mother to make it all work.
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    He needs more time, and that time should not have any reminders of where he lived previously.
    If this means no visitors, then so be it, he needs to get used to his new surroundings, routines, staff, and that needs time. Might be a few weeks, could be months.
    But the one clear thing is he cannot return to where he was.

  6. EJ1978

    EJ1978 New member

    Apr 17, 2018
    Thank you all, many of your comments were in line with my thinking.
    Unfortunately my Mum could not deal with his upset and brought him home. He’s now been at home a couple of weeks and seems more content, apart from odd times. He is also not wandering as he has physically deteriorated and does not have the strength so is relatively safe, apart from the odd attempt to get out of bed. The Admiral nurse is going to arrange a hospital bed so that he will be safe.
    It’s very sad as I think we are getting close to a point at which he is not really with us and we will be waiting for his body to give up, which it is already starting to do. I’m not ready for that and am having a bad day today. I live 2 hours away and am so scared I will not be there when I need to be. Everyone is different but how long should I expect from bed bound to loss?
  7. katydid

    katydid Registered User

    Oct 23, 2018
    My husband has been I;his care home just one night and already I feel that it is wrong.
    He is at the stage where he cannot speak a full sentence. So cannot explain what he wants, and he cannot understand what is asked of him

    He cannot walk or move alone. Can’t pickk up a cup sometimes
    He has Lewy Bodies, soma times freezes. Will say yes. But then can’t do the thing, ie. lean forward, but pushes back instead
    Carers will not know his cues, he will be upset, and perhaps lash out. They will not know the gentle calm loving man he is.
    It is not his fault that he has dementia, I am a nurse, if he had cancer I would not put him in a home
    Morally, it is wrong
    This is our Golden Wedding Year
    He is trying to do what I want him to do, he has done this all his life, he has that look of fear
    I can’t leave him there, I can’t care for him here

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