Not really a marriage anymore or even a friendship

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by Omaha, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. Omaha

    Omaha Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    7
    I do not have a diagnosis for my husband, age 61. Everyone is still looking for other causes because of his age but he will be third generation Alzheimers if that is what we have going on. So far no other causes found.
    But I've lost him - the friend I had, the person to talk to, the person to figure this out with. We are in a new city, he is still fine at work. But he doesn't remember "us". This must be a really rough part for the partner to accept. I'm ready for any coping hints that might be out there.
     
  2. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    182
    BRIDGEND
    Feel the same

    i to feel the same .sorry im dislix . My wife has lewy body .only 61 n. Im only 62 .still young.all is gone . No holladays . No fun with my wife . No naggging . Wish it was now. No she was a good wife . But im feel on my own .
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,772
    Female
    Dundee
    Hi Omaha. Welcome to TP.

    I'm sorry to hear about your husband's possible diagnosis. I know it's hard - for both of you. In many ways I found the earlier stages of the disease harder to cope with. This was partly because I was trying to come to terms with it but also partly because my husband had insight into what was happening. Now that his dementia is quite far advanced there are different problems but in some ways it is a bit easier as he accepts everything.

    I understand that feeling of losing your husband and your best friend. My husband was diagnosed almost 14 years ago and he was showing signs of dementia before that. Our relationship now is still very close but naturally it is different.

    It's hard to know what tips to give you. I found that I had to learn by trial and error. Reading posts on this site and asking specific questions here when something came up was the best support for me.

    I know it's easy to say but plan ahead where you have to - Power of Attorney, perhaps funeral wishes etc but as far as possible take each day as it comes.

    While I understand that your husband doesn't want to do the bucket list thing as it would be admitting something was wrong, I think that you should do as much as you can together while you still can. We did that and to be honest most of the time my husband didn't know it was a bucket list thing. I just suggested holidays or trips etc but didn't make a big deal about saying we'd best do it now.

    Everyone is different and we don't know how quickly the disease will progress. We've been lucky - if that's a word to use in relation to dementia. My husband's progress in the disease has been slow. It's only in the last 4 years or so his decline has been accelerated. Until 2 years go we were still going on holiday abroad by ourselves. It took a lot of planning but we made it. Last year we went away and took a carer with us. Today we have just returned from a week in Spain. Again we took a carer with us.

    I wish you both strength for the days and months to come. I hope you have many years of time together to do things you want to do. Use this site to find things out and to seek support - or just moan or have a rant when you need to.

    Take care. x
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    #4 CollegeGirl, Jun 3, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2015
    Deleted my post as I felt it wasn't helpful.
     
  5. Omaha

    Omaha Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    7
    It's the loss of his knowledge of us and me and his kindness that has disappeared. He isn't mean to me but he was so kind to people.

     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,772
    Female
    Dundee
    Yes I understand that and it is hurtful, I know. A lack of empathy as well I'd imagine. Bill can't understand if I get upset about something.
     
  7. Omaha

    Omaha Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    7
    And then, in that moment, what do you say to yourself to get through it? Is it like constantly dealing with the loss every time you understand he can't understand?
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,772
    Female
    Dundee
    Sadly there is no easy answer to this. Yes it is like dealing with the loss every time but at the end of the day we have to get on with it. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. It is just that this is the way it is. We've developed a different life. Not one I would have wanted but one we have had forced on us. I had the choice of letting it drag me down or taking the bull by the horns and making the best of it. My concern was that I would waste the good times we still had by worrying about what I had lost. I still mourn that loss but I do my best to enjoy the good times - even though to others without dementia they probably wouldn't seem very good.
     
  9. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,246
    Female
    England
    In a word Omaha, I think it is acceptance. All we can do is accept the changes as and when they come. My husband has not recognised me as his wife for 5 years but he is content to spend time with me so obviously feels safe so I am happy with that. Everything to do with dementia seems to cause pain.

    Like Izzy, lack of empathy was hard for me. No thought given to my feelings when I was constantly putting him first. Now we sit in silence, he has no words now. Occasionally there are a few but none of them understandable. He does smile a lot but I have no idea why. He is still my lovely husband. I hope that time will also help you accept but it is far from easy and heartbreaking.
     
  10. Omaha

    Omaha Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    7
    Thanks to you all for your feedback. I'll keep at it.
     
  11. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    Hello, sorry to barge in on this but is he still at home with you?
     
  12. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,246
    Female
    England

    No Suelynd my husband has been in care for nearly three years. I became the nice lady who looked after him whilst he waited for his wife to come to take him home 2 years before he went into his nursing home.
     
  13. Alan19531953

    Alan19531953 Registered User

    Jun 16, 2015
    36
    More like living with an aunt or uncle

    So I sympathise. There is no affection from my wife now. Only need.
     
  14. Marleygirl

    Marleygirl Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    3
    #14 Marleygirl, Nov 12, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2015
    A year ago, my husband went berserk and left. He then lived with a male friend and now rents a cottage. Unfortunately he's wealthy enough to keep up the facade. Pays me no maintenance, and the only way out is divorce. Although I would have willingly looked after him. His mother had it and from the sound of it, most of his female relatives did too, his father committed suicide when he was 15 and I'm beginning to understand why. She was malicious either due to the disease or just plain nasty, my husband was her Golden Child.

    Desperately sad because until a few years ago, before the weirdness and aggression started, I was the happiest woman alive... even a policeman who'd called the year before about another matter said he couldn't understand it - we seemed a perfectly normal happy couple. Maybe, if I'm right and he's got AD or VD and it progresses, even if we're divorced, I will care for him, I love him. But at the moment I'm his worst enemy I "know". He's in denial.
     
  15. Marleygirl

    Marleygirl Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    3
    #15 Marleygirl, Nov 12, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2015
    Posted twice when trying to edit.
     
  16. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,601
    Female
    Scotland
    In your situation MG I think divorce is the right move to protect your future financial position. Your half will be protected from the ruinous costs of care which will ultimately come. Once divorced and independent you can then choose to help him if you wish.

    In his present state of mind he could dissipate all the assets.
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,397
    Female
    South coast
    I must say, marleygirl, that what you describe could easily be FTD, although its impossible to diagnose on a forum. The changes in our husbands are hard, very hard...
     

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