Not looking for answers, just need to tell someone...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by dave-missingdad, Apr 8, 2008.

  1. dave-missingdad

    dave-missingdad Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    Hi all,
    this is my first time on the site. just need to tell someone how i feel. My dad has had alzheimer's abot 6 years. In the last 6 months his deterioration has been marked. My mum is 78 and she does her best but she's going into hospital tommorrow for surgery. Dad cant be left alone so he's in respite care. I feel so bad for leaving him there. I feel like crying all the time. I want him back making me laugh, enjoying his company, sitting chatting about world events.Anything just a bit of my old dad.My brother passed away some time ago. I need him now more than ever. My sister is a living angel, she does so much. I try to be there for mum n dad as much as possible. Im scared of whats going to happen to dad in the future. Im so upset for my mum and what her life has become. I'm terrified of going down the same slow tortuous path myself. If it wasn't for the pain Id cause to others Id plan an early high speed escape into permanent peace.But how can any of us think of ourselves. Thats just selfish isn't it.
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Yes it is selfish!!:eek::eek:

    I am caring for my husband and I love him so much. But I am still going through the same feelings as you. We want to do so much but this dreadful disease is hard to handle. If your Dad is in respite, then good for him and for you. It is all you can do and when he gets over this first respite he may well welcome further times away - they will give your Mum a break even when she is well.

    The one thing you have to accept is there is no going back. Your Dad may not be quite the same but you can still try to share with him his old memories and keep him feeling 'loved'.

    Your sister sounds wonderful - let her know how you feel about her! - that is important too. Thats what your Dad would want.

    Good luck and take care Jan
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Yes, Dave, I'm afraid it is.

    You say you're so upset for your mum, and what her life has become -- what effect do you think that would have on her? And on your sister, who is working so hard to care for her and your dad?

    But you do need some help. Have you talked to your sister, told her how depressed you are? Have you talked to your doctor, who may provide some counselling for you?

    I'm not being unsympathetic, I know you are feeling very low, but your family need you. Why not ask your sister what you can do to help? If you have a specific role to play in caring for your parents, you may feel more positive about things.

    You're not alone. Not many of us can say we never feel depressed about the future for our loved ones. But they need our love and support, and opting out isn't an option.

    You can do it!:)
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hello dave, and welcome to TP.

    The very fact that you have chosen to tell your story, and not ask for anything but to share, shows that you are anything but 'selfish'.

    I do hope your mum will be so much better after her surgery.
    Please try to accept that dad is being well cared for whilst he is in respite, and that you will soon be 'back as normal'.

    It is so hard, but try to take on board 'beckyjan's' advice.
    Sure makes a lot of sense.

    Post anytime, always someone about to listen. Take care.
  5. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Just realised how awful that sounded!!

    No you are no selfish - or if you are then I am doubly so.

    I was just trying to empathise my own feelings. So please do not take that to heart.

    Love Jan
  6. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Hello Dave

    Yes, it is selfish, but I think we all feel or have felt like that sometimes when looking at the results of dementia. As BeckyJan said, tell your sister you think she's wonderful. Pull together! It will make the burden for all of you a little easier to carry.

    I know it's like a life on hold for you, especially as you sound as if you were close to your brother, and he's no longer with you. In a way, I guess you feel you are suffering a double bereavement with your dad's illness as well, but you must roll up your sleeves and get on with it. It is painful. But think of the happy times you've shared. Perhaps plan something for when your mum comes out of hospital for her?

    I'd love to have my old mum back the way she was. It's not to be. Nothing is the same any more. So meantime, I plod on; the things we shared get me through - it's all you can do too.

    Take care x
  7. Netti Brown

    Netti Brown Registered User

    Apr 5, 2008
    Hey Dave ... I think by instinct we are selfish, because that is self preservation. Regardless of what you think of yourself, your actions will prove otherwise.

    Be there for your family, share in the care of your parents, and don't forget that none of us are ever prepared for any of this and we do the best we can, and often have no choice.

    I know that from my own point of view (and I look after my father on my own, as my brothers live overseas), one of my brothers phones me 3 or 4 times a week - I have a whine and a moan and he sympathises. My other brother pretends that none of this is going on. Guess which brother I prefer to talk to!!!!

    Keep strong and be there!
  8. dave-missingdad

    dave-missingdad Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    Sorry & thank you to all

    Im grateful to all for your comments. Im well aware that there is always someone worse off than yourself. I just got to a low low point and felt pretty sorry for myself. I'll always be there for all of my family and I am very lucky not to be alone in this. Im not really apologising for whingeing - it made me feel a lot better. Your replies helped me put things in perspective. Went to visit dad before - I think the respite care is actually helping him. We had a lovely time & I actually got him to speak to mum on my mobile. He told her to look after herself - it sounded so wonderful, he's not shown that much concern for a long while. So thanks again everyone. You all played a part in getting me back to a positive mind set, just knowing your all fighting the 'good fight'. You may be struggling against seemingly impossiible situations but you all took time to care about a complete stranger. Very best wishes to you
  9. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    As you've realized by now, there are no strangers on TP, just friends. Welcome!
  10. jane@hotmail

    jane@hotmail Registered User

    Mar 13, 2008
    Hi Dave,

    I'm glad you're feeling more positive. It's really scary to see our lovely parents so vulnerable. We've all worried about our parents futures at times and it does'nt make you feel great, so it's not surprising you had abit of a wobble!
    I'm so glad that your dad has settled into his respite care and I'm sure it did your mum the world of good to hear him on the phone showing concern. I hope your mum makes a speedy recovery.

  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Well done Dave.

    You've acted very positively, and helped to comfort both your dad and your mum.

    Keep it up, we'll all support you. We all know the feelings of despair, and need each other to pull through them.

    Best wishes,
  12. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Dave,
    As you have found, sometimes we (carers) can be too close to the situation to see that it can possibly have any benefits. We imagine that Dad (in your case) is going to be angry or miserable and having an awful time, whereas in fact both he & your Mum are getting time out & an opportunity to recover a bit.

    Thanks for coming back & telling us the good bit - it SO helps those (like me at the moment) who may be wrestling with their emotions about 'letting go' a little for respite care.

    Best wishes
  13. dave-missingdad

    dave-missingdad Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    To paraprase Paul Whitehouse, '

    Im so touched by the level of empathy you kind people have shown me. I hope I can offer the same support to some other poor soul in the future, I must. What a difference a day makes.
  14. dave-missingdad

    dave-missingdad Registered User

    Apr 8, 2008
    sorry missed a bit off mi title - 'aren't people brilliant'.
  15. Short girl

    Short girl Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008

    I understand only too well your emotions. It's worth remembering that Alzheimers is a disease and illness of the brain if you like, it robs people of who they are, I'm guessing your Dad is at the stage where he is probably unaware now, but nethertheless, distressing for the rest of the family.
    Souunds like the respite is benefitting both Dad and Mum and the wider family and I trust you are happy with the care he is receiving in the home and the home are meeting his needs? If he gets on okay in respite, it probably won't be such a wrench when the time comes for more permanent care.
    Anyway welcome to TP, it's a brilliant forum when there's noone else to offload on, I've not long joined and now don't have to off load all the problems with my Nan onto my husband who can't always cope due to having diagnosed depression. It's an opportunity to let the cork out of bottled up feelings and knowing that there's lot of us in similiar situations.
  16. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    Hi Dave

    Welcome to TP,
    I am constantly reassured by the carers and moderators words of encouragement on this site.
    Until I enlisted their help, I felt totally alone looking after mum and dad. Yes, I have a lovely husband, but he is now the onlyu person working and I feel that when we are alone we need to talk about what our days have been like, but without the gloom and doom I face most of each day.
    So, without this site I would have kept far more close to my chest than is necessary.
    You will get lots of sound advice, even if its not what you want or think you need at the present, but each and everyone of us needs to let off steam and this is certainly the way forward.
    Good luck to you and I certainly encourage you to talk to the members on this site.
  17. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hello Dave and welcome to TP,

    I hope that your mum's surgery went well and she has a speedy recovery.

    I can sympathize with you having to leave your dad in another's care but it's good news that he is settling into respite, makes it easier all round.

    This certainly is a miserable disease it robs everyone involved of so much. Unfortunately, acceptance is the only way forward.

    I'm glad that your feeling better and wish you and your family well.

    Love Taffy.
  18. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Dave

    I guess what people meant was that we are all entitled to be "selfish" at times, i.e. to feel we need something for ourselves, but we hope that this forum gives us the strength and support we need to carry on in our caring roles, which are so essential.

    Stay brave


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