1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    my hubby has been in care for a few months and on one or two visits he was just like his normal self and i to wanted to bring him back home, but talked to the family and they talked me out of it said wait a while, but the next visit was just the oppisite we were back to the dementia that i could not cope with 24/7 so glad i listened as now he has settled down and we have some lovely visits its only because we love them we want them back
  2. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Know how you feel, Marmalade. There have been many times I've wanted to bring Fred home but realise on the next visit why it is not possible. Just have to remind myself that he is now content where he is and getting much better care than I can provide. Do miss him enormously though.
  3. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello marmarlade and truth (Verity) l feel for both of you, l am now considering care home for my hubby, life is so difficult now for me, l feel absolutely drained!!! I can not bare the thought of parting with him, l know l will feel like you, but once they go into care there is no turning back, bless you both.
  4. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Thanks pamann. Thinking of you as you make probably the biggest decision of your life. xx
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    You need to make plans for the bad days, not the good days

    My Mum was at rock bottom and after 5 weeks in hospital with regular food, drinks and company she looked great so she was sent hope. This was against my wishes and also her social worker but I was given no choice. 3 weeks later we were back at rock bottom and I am standing my ground with the help of the social worker. I have her keys and I am keeping them. My Mum deserves top be safe and not be at rock bottom again.

    Right now she looks great but I keep remember her after lying on the floor all night. She had refused food and drink for 3 days. The carers from social; services were unconcerned.

    Its hard. Enjoy the good days but plan based on the bad.
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Oh yes - we know, don't we Truth? The feeling that they are so well, that maybe, surely, we could manage again if we took them home? But we know - oh, yes we do, deep in our hearts & souls, we know - that the only reason they are doing so well is because they are now getting the level of constant, 24/7 care that we, on our own, could not hope to give them. My husband went to full time care last September after a long, very hard time that I thought was going to kill us both. Had he remained at home, I doubt he would have lived until Christmas as he was refusing to eat or drink enough and refusing to allow personal care. (and by "refusing" I mean very aggressively refusing!). However, after a few weeks in full time care, when he was eating, drinking and taking his medication regularly, he was so much better, I really started to think that maybe, just maybe, I could manage him at home again. Had to have a few stern talks with myself - and read back over my posts on here, and get reminders from people on here, of what it was really like! And by now of course, the illness has progressed again, and he has deteriorated to where he needs a lot more care again. And now the nursing home staff are at their wits' end trying to get him to eat and drink!

    I think there are a few people with dementia who can be taken care of at home until their death. But to be honest, they are the exceptions. Because the support available to the carer is simply too little, and usually far too late.
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    Marmalade, I think many of us go through this after our husband goes into a care home. Even months later I would still be overcome by longing to bring Henry home. But in retrospect I now know I was kidding myself on that I could have managed at home. It would have been a disaster for each of us.

    Like LadyA wrote
    The heart and head in conflict. Especially on those good visits when he was much more the man he had been before dementia. Again kind, loving, and more. The years at home I had come to believe he hated me, he was so verbally aggressive and occasionally verging on the physical.

    Then as you say Marmalade, a visit when he was the opposite again. There are good and bad times, we have to make the most of the good ones because as dementia progresses they become more and more precious.

    Enjoy your lovely visits.
    Loo xx
  8. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    I feel for you all so very much - how well I remember those little plateau times when I would ask the question - "is he really suffering with dementia". Yes was always the answer and sure enough either the next day or two - back to what had become our "normal". Even towards the end there were times when everything seemed as it had before his accident and the necessity for the Nursing Home but it wasn't until I actually stayed overnight several times when he had a bad infection that I realised much of my husband's waking and wandering was done during the hours of darkness and his needs increased exponentially .Pamann - I share your sadness and heartbreak at the prospect of finding a Care Home for your husband. It really has to be one of the hardest decisions one has to make - I am thinking of you and sharing your pain - it is one year to the week since I was in the situation of deciding on the right placement for my husband - hard times.
  9. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    That year has passed so quickly WIFE but it might not feel like it to you. xx

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