Evening, I am pleased I have found this forum as been trying to get some support through dementia hotline but cant get through and am currently at wits end with trying to care for my fsther. I sn 45 and my father 77 He got diagnosed with vascular dementia in July but we knew something not right for last one and half years but dont think any of us wanted to face the reality of it. My parents divorced many years ago and my father lives on his own. My mother has a new partner. My mum has been helping me look after my dad as I simply cabt do it all on my own when working full time. She is the best but also starting to struggle wih washing and ironing for him some house work and now stsrting to help strip wash him and cut his toe nails. She is a star for us all. I on the other hand am finding it more and more distressing as time goes by seeing my father deteriorate and tearful, saying he fed up along with drinking as well. I have such feelings of guult that I dont spend enoughntime with him or that I get angry on occasions with him or that he has simply switched off from life and wont try any more.. he is nit the father I know. I hate it all and have to say ai want it over with as I didnt choose this life to care for him and if my parebts were together still I wouldnt be doing this. I know if you read this I expect you all will say what a selfish cow or horrible daughter but I am doing my best but cannot simply cope. I think I am depressed but trying hard to stay off any pills. I try to get to the gym but when there I lack all energy as emotoinal feelings get me so down. I dont want to burden others with my thoughts but there have been some instances lately where the only way out from this is to end my life, I dont think I would but that crosses my mind. I just want to latn how to cope with my range of such feelubgs of anger and guilt and hatred it is awful and upsettibg. I am struggling at work as well focusing and my reltionships fall apart as quite often my dad will call me to say he is confused and I go and ruin a day I meant to be with partner. My life is omn hold and it gets me down we dont really want to put him in a home if we can keep him and look after him ourselves as it would be so upsettibg to see him locked up as he would never find his way home in a new place. he is just about going out dIly on the same bus eavh day and sitting in same coop shop all day long, but if any changes happened we have been told he would likely to deteriorate quicker. What a dilemma
Not copung seeing my father like he is, so hard
- Thread starter spooney
- Start date
Hello spooney
No one will say you are selfish or horrible. All most people will say and think is how upset you are about your father`s illness and the responsibility it puts on your shoulders.
Try to get as much help as you can. Contact your local Alzheimer`s Society if there is one near to you. Read the fact sheets which will give you lots more information
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/faq.php?faq=resources#faq_resources_factsheets
And try to keep up with Talking Point where you will find lots of support and information.
No one will say you are selfish or horrible. All most people will say and think is how upset you are about your father`s illness and the responsibility it puts on your shoulders.
Try to get as much help as you can. Contact your local Alzheimer`s Society if there is one near to you. Read the fact sheets which will give you lots more information
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/faq.php?faq=resources#faq_resources_factsheets
And try to keep up with Talking Point where you will find lots of support and information.
Hello Spooney. I wanted to add to what Grannie G has said, that you are certainly not anything but a caring, overburdened and loving daughter. Your dad is proud of you I'm sure for all that you are doing. You are clearly stressed out completely by all this and you must put yourself first for your health's sake and see your GP to start to get some help before you burn out. Many of us have been where you are, so we surely understand how it feels. We are here to support each other. One thing I know for certain is that we don't suddenly become saints when this dreaded disease strikes! You are doing your best. Let yourself off the hook. Loving thoughts X
Keep talking!
Hi Spooney,
Just to add to previous replies to your thread.
Keep coming back to this forum, even just reading the other posts gives you some identification and makes you realise you aren't on your own with this cruel illness. it gives you a coping mechanism and the strength to carry on. You do need to look after youself first and foremost because if you don't, you wont be able to help him when he needs you at the most vulnerable time of his life.
Hope you can pick your way through all this **** and gain some serenity when you see him. Alzheimer sufferers seem to be able to pick up very easily on other moods and I personally find it's better for me to stay away if i'm not calm. easier said than done I know. Keep coming back !
Hi Spooney,
Just to add to previous replies to your thread.
Keep coming back to this forum, even just reading the other posts gives you some identification and makes you realise you aren't on your own with this cruel illness. it gives you a coping mechanism and the strength to carry on. You do need to look after youself first and foremost because if you don't, you wont be able to help him when he needs you at the most vulnerable time of his life.
Hope you can pick your way through all this **** and gain some serenity when you see him. Alzheimer sufferers seem to be able to pick up very easily on other moods and I personally find it's better for me to stay away if i'm not calm. easier said than done I know. Keep coming back !
ensuring your mood is not noticed
I have just all your comments and have to say it has helped me a little knowing others out there who know what I going throigh. So hard for friends to underdtand me who dont have anyone with this horrible disease. I really hope that the government are going to try and put more money into helping families out with sipport networks and more admiral nurses. Your comments have made me cry but they have touched me. Particlarly when one sais they can pick up on our moods so best to try and stay away at times like this. I would agree with this comment and I know already I have days when I best not see him as may make him worse if I in tears myself biut so hard when he needs me there and says he is confused. To watch someone that once was so strong character and determined become like a little child who struggles to get his words out and repeats the same storoes time and time. I dont mind him doing that though at least he talking to me. Sometimes it can be funny as we put a filmon his favourite mamma mia and he must have watched it about twenty times but always says do you know who that is or this is such a good film so clearly doesnt recall watching it. His other favourite past time is his music partic dvd music, which apparently anyone out there pepople with dementia relate a lot to music being played. When he is enjoying this so good to see just the simple things for him. Thanks again will keep coming on here
I have just all your comments and have to say it has helped me a little knowing others out there who know what I going throigh. So hard for friends to underdtand me who dont have anyone with this horrible disease. I really hope that the government are going to try and put more money into helping families out with sipport networks and more admiral nurses. Your comments have made me cry but they have touched me. Particlarly when one sais they can pick up on our moods so best to try and stay away at times like this. I would agree with this comment and I know already I have days when I best not see him as may make him worse if I in tears myself biut so hard when he needs me there and says he is confused. To watch someone that once was so strong character and determined become like a little child who struggles to get his words out and repeats the same storoes time and time. I dont mind him doing that though at least he talking to me. Sometimes it can be funny as we put a filmon his favourite mamma mia and he must have watched it about twenty times but always says do you know who that is or this is such a good film so clearly doesnt recall watching it. His other favourite past time is his music partic dvd music, which apparently anyone out there pepople with dementia relate a lot to music being played. When he is enjoying this so good to see just the simple things for him. Thanks again will keep coming on here
Hello Spooney and welcome to TP.
It is not easy to come to terms with a diagnosis of dementia. It is frightening and overwhelming and no one knows what is ahead. We have all felt as you do, out of our depth, frightened and wondered why us. It is natural to feel this way and difficult to watch the role reversal where you are becoming the parent and your Dad is becoming the child who needs so much support.
Your Dad's behaviour is controlled by how the dementia is developing. Medication can make it a little easier for him but life is difficult for him which in turn makes life difficult for those around him.
You are not selfish, you have a busy life, you have other responsibilities and now the difficulty of caring and worrying about your Dad and what lies ahead.
As Grannie G said, take a look at the fact sheets, see what there is out there and where to find help and information.
Support and understanding you will find by the bucket load in here, we are all dealing with dementia, we all feel like you at times and we all have needed to scream at some point.
take care and please come and use the forum for any advice or support you need or just come for a chat or to let of steam when the pressure builds up,
Jay
It is not easy to come to terms with a diagnosis of dementia. It is frightening and overwhelming and no one knows what is ahead. We have all felt as you do, out of our depth, frightened and wondered why us. It is natural to feel this way and difficult to watch the role reversal where you are becoming the parent and your Dad is becoming the child who needs so much support.
Your Dad's behaviour is controlled by how the dementia is developing. Medication can make it a little easier for him but life is difficult for him which in turn makes life difficult for those around him.
You are not selfish, you have a busy life, you have other responsibilities and now the difficulty of caring and worrying about your Dad and what lies ahead.
As Grannie G said, take a look at the fact sheets, see what there is out there and where to find help and information.
Support and understanding you will find by the bucket load in here, we are all dealing with dementia, we all feel like you at times and we all have needed to scream at some point.
take care and please come and use the forum for any advice or support you need or just come for a chat or to let of steam when the pressure builds up,
Jay
It does look as though the time has come to start looking for residential care. You say you don't want him in a home, if you can manage- the point being ( by your own admission) you are NOT coping and your Mum, who sounds wonderful) is struggling too.
let others do the hard stuff, he will adapt, most do. No, he prob wont like it for a start, but you never say its forever, just for a break. If his time awareness is shot, that 'holiday' just goes on and on......
If he is in council accommodation, you could get him to move on the basis that the council need his house/flat - ''somewhere better for you dad''
let others do the hard stuff, he will adapt, most do. No, he prob wont like it for a start, but you never say its forever, just for a break. If his time awareness is shot, that 'holiday' just goes on and on......
If he is in council accommodation, you could get him to move on the basis that the council need his house/flat - ''somewhere better for you dad''
Hello Spooney. Please, before I say anything else, please see your own GP about your depression. Please.
I put off going for over a year, until, one day while driving, I had this very calm urge to drive head on into a huge HGV. I didn't but it scared me into going to my GP. I accepted Anti depressants and after six months, feel much stronger and a hell of a lot better. My dosage has been reduced too. I am so glad I did, as my Dad has deteriorated drastically these past few weeks and I know I would not have been able to cope with events, had I been in the frame of mind I was in six months ago.
I know it's hard, you have said everything I've said myself. It's scarey, frustrating, heart wrenching and the responsibility seems overwhelming. But I also realised I have to be as mentally fit as I can be, to be able to help my beloved Dad, especially now as his condition has worsened.
Please take care of yourself.
I put off going for over a year, until, one day while driving, I had this very calm urge to drive head on into a huge HGV.
I didn't but it scared me into going to my GP. I accepted Anti depressants and after six months, feel much stronger and a hell of a lot better. My dosage has been reduced too. I am so glad I did, as my Dad has deteriorated drastically these past few weeks and I know I would not have been able to cope with events, had I been in the frame of mind I was in six months ago.I know it's hard, you have said everything I've said myself. It's scarey, frustrating, heart wrenching and the responsibility seems overwhelming. But I also realised I have to be as mentally fit as I can be, to be able to help my beloved Dad, especially now as his condition has worsened.
Please take care of yourself.
anti depressents
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am really struggling to deal with dad. It currently is 6am and already trying to plan when to see him, tonight? But then I am baking a cake for mcmillan coffee event, tomotrow night? Would like to see a friend of mine who is going through awful time at moment and has and is there for me when I need her? The weekend? There are some good music events I would lije tosee, do I take dad to one? Prob not as last time I took him out and a guy was singing quite quitly wuth a guitar dad quite loudly said what a load of **** what we doing here? Also am I string enough and not going to cry, not sure after monday when he was in tears himself, it has stuck in ymindsince. But overwhelming guilt that all I think is he is on his own and insuch a worrying place in his mind, do they realise at all what they going through? Do they think when is that daughter if mine going to see me? And so it goes on for the day. I dont want to go on anti deoressents if I can hekp it as I just keep saying I should be able to manage its not me that is ill and I curse that this disease will make me prob on them and will I ever be the same? But it is getting ckoser and I ore and more in tears so will haveto see
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am really struggling to deal with dad. It currently is 6am and already trying to plan when to see him, tonight? But then I am baking a cake for mcmillan coffee event, tomotrow night? Would like to see a friend of mine who is going through awful time at moment and has and is there for me when I need her? The weekend? There are some good music events I would lije tosee, do I take dad to one? Prob not as last time I took him out and a guy was singing quite quitly wuth a guitar dad quite loudly said what a load of **** what we doing here? Also am I string enough and not going to cry, not sure after monday when he was in tears himself, it has stuck in ymindsince. But overwhelming guilt that all I think is he is on his own and insuch a worrying place in his mind, do they realise at all what they going through? Do they think when is that daughter if mine going to see me? And so it goes on for the day. I dont want to go on anti deoressents if I can hekp it as I just keep saying I should be able to manage its not me that is ill and I curse that this disease will make me prob on them and will I ever be the same? But it is getting ckoser and I ore and more in tears so will haveto see
Spooney - please don't feel guilty. Every carer has black thoughts; it's perfectly natural. A friend of my father's blurted out to me, 'I want him to die.' But why wouldn't she? All the people who care about my dad know he has no quality of life. Sometimes the thoughts we label the darkest are actually part of the compassion we feel.
It is imperative, in my opinion, that you look after yourself and factor in time to spend with your partner and on yourself. This is to ensure you can cope and therefore is not selfish in the slightest. It will not help your dad if you break down. And that applies even if he enters a home. The emotional burden remains.
You are doing your best. Be proud of yourself for that.
It is imperative, in my opinion, that you look after yourself and factor in time to spend with your partner and on yourself. This is to ensure you can cope and therefore is not selfish in the slightest. It will not help your dad if you break down. And that applies even if he enters a home. The emotional burden remains.
You are doing your best. Be proud of yourself for that.
Hi Spooney
Your struggle has fired me up to make my first post on Talking Point. I've been following the discussions on this forum for some months now and been comforted to know I'm not on my own. Caring for my widowed father who was diagnosed with mild vascular and Alzheimers at the beginning of this year plunged me into depression. Friends and family have done their best to support me but it wasn't enough. I finally went to see my GP and discussed where to go with this. She said pills might help me function better while I try and haul myself out of this horrible state; I preferred to go for counselling/psychotherapy and the relief of being able to unburden myself to someone experienced in helping people in emotional turmoil has been huge.
I hope you can find what works best for you.
Your struggle has fired me up to make my first post on Talking Point. I've been following the discussions on this forum for some months now and been comforted to know I'm not on my own. Caring for my widowed father who was diagnosed with mild vascular and Alzheimers at the beginning of this year plunged me into depression. Friends and family have done their best to support me but it wasn't enough. I finally went to see my GP and discussed where to go with this. She said pills might help me function better while I try and haul myself out of this horrible state; I preferred to go for counselling/psychotherapy and the relief of being able to unburden myself to someone experienced in helping people in emotional turmoil has been huge.
I hope you can find what works best for you.
Hi there so glad to here you started using this forum, it is such an eye opener and has been some relief that others are experiencing the same or similar. Perhaps I should try gp and see , I also trying to get to a local support meeting group in week or so. No one knows what it like until you know a person close to you. I hope each day for you is as good as it can get. Like me your father has a carung daughter but a shame they dont see it due to the condition take care and always be here
I cant seem to make him happy any more
After my day of it with dad yesterday which could not get any worse as total shut down to me and very very sad I had decided I would do what it takes today to try and put some sparkle back in his life which is so miserable for him and he says he wants to die. So I pick up up from his place at 10 not really knowing how he will be but it was pleasant he was chatting even if about nonsense and appeared a little chirpy. Made him have wash and a shave and put in all nice clean clothes for him. I thought this seems good as it gets. Anyway knowing he loves music I took him out to our big city nearby parked up as close as we could as cant walk far and went and sat for lunch out in the sun with a local band playing some good music. He seemed quite happy and loved his salmon fish cakes.The band then stopped playing and they said over the mike we are playing in pub now down the road come and see us. Anyway to make conversation I happened to tell him where they going. To which he stroppoly replued who cares so what, Been getting this a few times now and one recent time was when I was introducing him to friends of friends explaining who they all were again met with a rely so what , embarrassing but they he suffering. Does anyine else parent react in this way at all? From there we decided to go to the cathedrsl but that was not right either as he refused to pay ten pounds to get in so I thought ok may as well try and head back to the car but all he kepyt saying was out loud dobt ever bring me herevagain . This upset a bit as I trying so hard to take him little places show him difference things and still not happy. He then needed a toilet and so I knew we really needed disabled one as he has a walker so thought m and s goid one but littke walk to get there. Every two mins cursing at me saying dont bring me here again and how much further is it and where we going. I was starting to lose but patience with him which is horrible to start with. Eventually we get to the disabled toilet but a man with two young girls waiting to use it. Dad didnt unerstand this when I tried telling him and cursed at the man. I aplogised and said ok just try and go in the normal mens if desparate. The doors were so heavy to push open I had to help him get in there and them two mins later back out. I said have you been and he said no nowhwre to go, I then said quire abruptly right wait oytside the disabled toilet and we next. He them
n proceeded to curse more and more which lead me to telling him quite abruptly shut up moaning and going on. Oh and several people heard me and watching. I felt bloody awful but here I am doing my best to take him out and I get so upset. Eventuality after going to toiley we had to find our wsy back down in a lift again he was getting uptight asking where we going and cursing place he then started to nearly cry again and saying he so confused and fed up. I then try abd settle him strokung his arm explaining that its dimentia and a bloody horrible disease but doesnt help mush. I just so want yo make him snile. We eventually get outside where I place him on a bench and a man and his little baby sitting and daf watched the little baby and talking to it and dad is smiling, yes so nice to see. But I thenget upset as the guilt sets Iin for just shouting at him and not being ever able to give him a grand child. I am in the middle of crowded shopping centre now crying and trying to stem the tears so dad dont see me upset. Eventually I get myself together as much as I can and he seems more at peace as well. I then say its home now so off we set ab8ut 5 hours after we left his this morming. We get back and I make him a drink bite to eat and put h7s favourites film on mammamia. I then say I going to hace to go and the tears I can see start up in his eyes again. I try reassure him that we all love him and he can phone when ever, he then asks if I see him tomorrow but I meant to have work but think I cant cope in worķ at moment, it all yoo much. He wanrs me to stay with hum I know that and feel so awful leaving him in that state of mind. I go and that is all I keep thinking of. I talk to my mum who is separedted from him but help me loo after him and to my brother and try and explain how I feel but it seems to go unnoticed which then gets me upset as I cant understabd how they can be so blase about it and dobt get it that I upset I have lost my dad and never get him back and so it hoes on. All I want is dad happy will it ever happen..?
After my day of it with dad yesterday which could not get any worse as total shut down to me and very very sad I had decided I would do what it takes today to try and put some sparkle back in his life which is so miserable for him and he says he wants to die. So I pick up up from his place at 10 not really knowing how he will be but it was pleasant he was chatting even if about nonsense and appeared a little chirpy. Made him have wash and a shave and put in all nice clean clothes for him. I thought this seems good as it gets. Anyway knowing he loves music I took him out to our big city nearby parked up as close as we could as cant walk far and went and sat for lunch out in the sun with a local band playing some good music. He seemed quite happy and loved his salmon fish cakes.The band then stopped playing and they said over the mike we are playing in pub now down the road come and see us. Anyway to make conversation I happened to tell him where they going. To which he stroppoly replued who cares so what, Been getting this a few times now and one recent time was when I was introducing him to friends of friends explaining who they all were again met with a rely so what , embarrassing but they he suffering. Does anyine else parent react in this way at all? From there we decided to go to the cathedrsl but that was not right either as he refused to pay ten pounds to get in so I thought ok may as well try and head back to the car but all he kepyt saying was out loud dobt ever bring me herevagain . This upset a bit as I trying so hard to take him little places show him difference things and still not happy. He then needed a toilet and so I knew we really needed disabled one as he has a walker so thought m and s goid one but littke walk to get there. Every two mins cursing at me saying dont bring me here again and how much further is it and where we going. I was starting to lose but patience with him which is horrible to start with. Eventually we get to the disabled toilet but a man with two young girls waiting to use it. Dad didnt unerstand this when I tried telling him and cursed at the man. I aplogised and said ok just try and go in the normal mens if desparate. The doors were so heavy to push open I had to help him get in there and them two mins later back out. I said have you been and he said no nowhwre to go, I then said quire abruptly right wait oytside the disabled toilet and we next. He them
n proceeded to curse more and more which lead me to telling him quite abruptly shut up moaning and going on. Oh and several people heard me and watching. I felt bloody awful but here I am doing my best to take him out and I get so upset. Eventuality after going to toiley we had to find our wsy back down in a lift again he was getting uptight asking where we going and cursing place he then started to nearly cry again and saying he so confused and fed up. I then try abd settle him strokung his arm explaining that its dimentia and a bloody horrible disease but doesnt help mush. I just so want yo make him snile. We eventually get outside where I place him on a bench and a man and his little baby sitting and daf watched the little baby and talking to it and dad is smiling, yes so nice to see. But I thenget upset as the guilt sets Iin for just shouting at him and not being ever able to give him a grand child. I am in the middle of crowded shopping centre now crying and trying to stem the tears so dad dont see me upset. Eventually I get myself together as much as I can and he seems more at peace as well. I then say its home now so off we set ab8ut 5 hours after we left his this morming. We get back and I make him a drink bite to eat and put h7s favourites film on mammamia. I then say I going to hace to go and the tears I can see start up in his eyes again. I try reassure him that we all love him and he can phone when ever, he then asks if I see him tomorrow but I meant to have work but think I cant cope in worķ at moment, it all yoo much. He wanrs me to stay with hum I know that and feel so awful leaving him in that state of mind. I go and that is all I keep thinking of. I talk to my mum who is separedted from him but help me loo after him and to my brother and try and explain how I feel but it seems to go unnoticed which then gets me upset as I cant understabd how they can be so blase about it and dobt get it that I upset I have lost my dad and never get him back and so it hoes on. All I want is dad happy will it ever happen..?
Spooney, I just wanted to say you sound like a fabulous daughter, and the fact you took your Dad to a music event was great even though he didn't appreciate it. Is there anyway you could get a carer to look after him so you could have just a few hours a week doing stuff you enjoy?
It's entirely up to you about the anti depressants and I fought against taking them for a long time but now I'm taking a mild dose of them I feel so much stronger about everything and feel I've got my life back
(Not trying to tell you to take them of course as it's none of my business but just telling you my experience)