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Not coping

Caseys

Registered User
Dec 10, 2015
37
My MIL has not been diagnosed but we are in no doubt. Came to live with us 3 months ago but since then numerous health problems discovered and increasing confusion. The doc told her and my husband that a home might be a good idea to salvage their mother and son relationship and she surprisingly agreed. We do think she might be happier as she is becoming very anxious and keeps having very stressful conversations about money. Worried about my husbands health (he us retired so with her all day and I work). She has now forgotten signing her own house away to her children 30 years ago z(2 of them now dead) and that she gave my husband a card in her bank account. She spends no money but it is her primary concern. And all her conversation implies mistrust of us because she has forgotten her financial decisions. We don't think we can go on like this and feel we need to survive to support her. Is this the step where a home is the best thing? Feel as though we are failing but don't see how we can keep going when she no longer remembers relationships (although she loves us) or decisions previously made. She has thrived health wise with us but it feels as though we are all falling apart!
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Have you got help in place like a place in a day centre or lunch club or a carers assessment so that you can have a break?

The conversations that you describe are the essence of dementia - that is what dementia is memory loss - so she won't remember or at least she will remember random bits and pieces. She's not being nasty she just doesn't remember and the onl way through that is to agree or be neutral and move on by distracting.

Have you seen the compassionate communication link? We lived by it
Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollaborat...y-Impaired.pdf

Only you know how much you can cope with - it sounds as though you are both finding it too much to handle, have you had a look at care homes to see if there is anywhere where you think she might be happy?

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Caseys

Registered User
Dec 10, 2015
37
Have you got help in place like a place in a day centre or lunch club or a carers assessment so that you can have a break?

The conversations that you describe are the essence of dementia - that is what dementia is memory loss - so she won't remember or at least she will remember random bits and pieces. She's not being nasty she just doesn't remember and the onl way through that is to agree or be neutral and move on by distracting.

Have you seen the compassionate communication link? We lived by it
Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollaborat...y-Impaired.pdf

Only you know how much you can cope with - it sounds as though you are both finding it too much to handle, have you had a look at care homes to see if there is anywhere where you think she might be happy?

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Thank you - that's helpful. We have used Compassionate Communucation but may have lost it a bit. I have just reminded my husband and he us going to try the distraction technique. I think a home is probably the next step and there are some good ones near us x
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Thank you - that's helpful. We have used Compassionate Communucation but may have lost it a bit. I have just reminded my husband and he us going to try the distraction technique. I think a home is probably the next step and there are some good ones near us x
You say your MIL agreed with the doctor a home may be best. I know my mum really enjoyed her life more when she went into a home it took away all her anxiety so please don't feel you are failing her.
 

Caseys

Registered User
Dec 10, 2015
37
You say your MIL agreed with the doctor a home may be best. I know my mum really enjoyed her life more when she went into a home it took away all her anxiety so please don't feel you are failing her.
Thank you. Yes I think on some level she knows it would reduce her anxiety :-/
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
Oxfordshire
It certainly can change your relationship. I spend an hour or so with my mother twice a week. She greets me like a long lost friend. Sometimes I take her for a 20 min drive and it is a real treat to her. She is easy to please - we had a cup of tea with her today taking in biscuits and she thought we had had a party. It is so much better for her and s.
Good luck with it!
 

Livveywills

Registered User
Jul 11, 2015
57
We are at the point of knowing a care home is likely to be the best option for mum. I always thought I would have her to live with us and take care of her until the end. I am so grateful that I didn't do that now as I think it would have destroyed our family.

We live in the same street as mum and have cooked all her meals, having her to ours every day for the last couple of years. We finally got carers in last September and now with daycare 3 days a week we get a couple of days a week where we can actually eat together as a family without mum. It has relieved so much pressure.

But her relationship with me is at an all time low, I am responsible for everything that is wrong in life and the anxieties and hallucinations are reaching a point where I think she would actually be happier somewhere where she had full time access to other people. But a care home provides staff who come in on shifts, they aren't on call 24 hours a day and they aren't emotionally grieving for the loss of relationship.

If your MIL has agreed to give a home a go, it sounds like a good plan. We are looking at homes that will offer respite at the moment, with the hope that she will settle into it and it might make the transition that little bit easier .

Really hope that your situation gets resolved.
 

Caseys

Registered User
Dec 10, 2015
37
It certainly can change your relationship. I spend an hour or so with my mother twice a week. She greets me like a long lost friend. Sometimes I take her for a 20 min drive and it is a real treat to her. She is easy to please - we had a cup of tea with her today taking in biscuits and she thought we had had a party. It is so much better for her and s.
Good luck with it!
That's what we would like to get to. Thanks for the good wishes
 

Caseys

Registered User
Dec 10, 2015
37
We are at the point of knowing a care home is likely to be the best option for mum. I always thought I would have her to live with us and take care of her until the end. I am so grateful that I didn't do that now as I think it would have destroyed our family.

We live in the same street as mum and have cooked all her meals, having her to ours every day for the last couple of years. We finally got carers in last September and now with daycare 3 days a week we get a couple of days a week where we can actually eat together as a family without mum. It has relieved so much pressure.

But her relationship with me is at an all time low, I am responsible for everything that is wrong in life and the anxieties and hallucinations are reaching a point where I think she would actually be happier somewhere where she had full time access to other people. But a care home provides staff who come in on shifts, they aren't on call 24 hours a day and they aren't emotionally grieving for the loss of relationship.

If your MIL has agreed to give a home a go, it sounds like a good plan. We are looking at homes that will offer respite at the moment, with the hope that she will settle into it and it might make the transition that little bit easier .

Really hope that your situation gets resolved.
We really thought we could do it but in only three months she has discovered heart failure, a broken vertebra at the front if her neck, and the apparent dementia is just escalating. So much has changed and we are walking on egg shells as she keeps forgetting all her health issues which makes caring for very stressful. My husband is really suffering and it is damaging our relationship with her. We will look at respite too. I honestly think we could all be happier if we can find the right home but it is difficult. Good luck to you!