• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Not coping

ellie 123

Registered User
May 25, 2006
Hi all

Haven't been on since mum died back in March. I was busy at first, things to do, funeral etc. When I first got back home I was fine - knew where I was going, what I had to do etc. But then I just fell into this dark hole and I can't seem to get out of it.

At first I couldn't seem to get any help but then out of the blue, someone held out a hand. Now I'm having counselling and go along to a bereavement morning when I feel up to it.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is grief or depression. I feel so lonely, everyone's gone now - parents, the kids. I just don't see a future, well not a future like this. Can't do anything, can't sleep - hence the time of this message. I'm bawling my eyes out as I write this.

It's so stupid I know, on one level I have a lot of self-awareness but on another level I'm feeling all negative and fully understand this is not good for me.

I had such plans for when I finally reached this stage of my life (no one else to think about) but the reality has turned out to be nothing like the dream.

Just needed to talk.


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Ellie

It`s good to hear you`re having counselling. You are taking steps to help you through your grieving. It`s early days to expect yourself to come through such life changing episodes, so give yourself time.
It`s good you know you always have TP to offload to in the early hours.
Keep in touch Ellie. xx


Registered User
Nov 16, 2008
Hello Ellie
Just wanted to say I am sorry you are having such a hard time and that I think it's quite normal to have those feelings. Losing a parent is such a huge loss - after all they've been there all your life, in many ways protecting you. I too found the time after all the "busyness" of the funeral etc. difficult. I think this is the time when you really begin to grasp what has happened. It is also the time when the support system disappears as your friends consider the funeral to be the end of it all!!! And you need to talk about this big life-changing event that has just happened.

I too can recognise your feelings about life not working out as planned!! I think it's a big life lesson to go with what is and learn from it wherever it takes you.

You've done something really positive by having the counselling and I hope it helps you. Take care and look after yourself. xx


Registered User
Jul 22, 2009
You poor thing! I'm a nightowl (I come to life when mum has gone to bed)so I'll look out for any posts. You're depressed, it's normal, go with the flow, if you want to do nothing, do nothing; if you want to iron at 3.30 am, do it. It makes it easier to fit in the essential stuff. Continue with the couselling, talk to the doctor (if anti-depressants suit you (they don't suit me) they start working in two weeks, either way with support you will come out the other side and you will be able to pick up the pieces and re-arrange your life. Think of this period as a time to change by stopping doing things in the sense that - oooh, what can I think of - if you've always made the beds immediately after breakfast, but you feel too fed up, stop doing it, don't do it at all for a few days, then when you feel up to it, do it differently - different time, different duvet cover, whatever! Silly example, I know, but it works! Best of luck, from someone who's been to a lot of these kind of places over the years!!

Nightowl x


Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
Dear Ellie

[QUOTE everyone's gone now - parents, the kids. I just don't see a future,QUOTE]

This can be such a challenging time in life. For some people it means finding a new meaningful purpose for one's life and this can take some time. March is such a short while ago and it is no wonder you are feeling so bereft.

In the meantime you have counselling for support and the bereavement group and TP will always be here for you.

Love and best wishes


Registered User
Mar 15, 2007
Hi Ellie

Just wanted to send you love and (((HUGS))) - haven't got any advice really except to say I am thinking of you.



Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
HI Ellie

I know what you mean about falling into a hole. It happened to me after a few months too. Being with Mum and having that strain there was so hard but I missed her, becuase I started to think about her pre dementia and I think I grieved for My Mum rather than the lady she ahd become much later again.

I am glad that you have support. It is useful to just be able to chat.





Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Dear Ellie

Just a line to say that I feel in a very similar frame of mind myself.
My only brother visited (from Australia) last month - now he's gone back to 'his' family (daughters, grandchildren) but he's the only family I have.
You and I will both get through it, and be stronger for it, but it's hard.


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