I do fret about what people think, absolutely. I think I have been ‘conditioned’ by mum into thinking that I and my sister are not good enough and we don’t care blah blah blah we never do enough for her and I do worry that is what people will think, that we don’t care. You are right about hem not wanting us to visit, when we had trouble with the video calling and it took them so long to calm her down it was agreed that it was for the best not to do it anymore, it took up a ,to of their time getting her settled, it was detrimental to her and to us and to be hones, I was relieved when they agreed for it to stop, but I still felt guilty, something I need to work on I know.
I just want to be more level headed with all this, I don’t want to be a complete wreck at the mention of her name or getting a text message from the home, my sister and I are actively avoiding talking about her because of how it makes us feel, which is wrong, we should be able to talk about her and support each other, which we absolutely do, but I don’t want to upset her and she doesn’t to upset me.
So the conversation regarding her is very limited and only when we need to.
In an ideal world I would of liked things to of been so very different for mum, calmer happier not in a care home at all , but we are where we are and it’s sucking the life out of us, I don’t want to feel like this about her, she Is our mum and we need to be with her until the end without these horrible feelings, it feels so wrong to know that I am avoiding her, but this is because of everything I have said in this forum and I am not coping with the situation.
They call me the weakest link at home.... I know why now! ☹