Not Coping well

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
ive just read all the posts and im nearly in tears. i agree walk away. the carers are trained in challenging behaviour and what approach works and what antagonises. i was a carer before i started caring my husband with vascular dementia. we had all that training. we were trained to walk away but we didnt have the emotional attatchment that you have. you need to look after yourself and reach for your gp.mines absolutely brilliant.i have depression for many years and i can talk to her anytime. had to take time out as im in tears. im not normally so sensitive. virtual hugs. take all the help you need and have some me time what you like doing. i wouldnt want you to have long term problems. your mum is fine and getting what she needs you need to do the same.
Thank you so much, how I feel has caught me off guard, I didn’t expect to crumble the way I have and the panic I go through is making me unwell
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
82
0
Spain
There is some great advice here. My mum was diagnosed 18 months ago too. But I knew there was something wrong long before then. When mum had all her scans and checks it was discovered as the Spanish say an abnormality on her brain which could have been there from a very early age. It does help in describing mums behaviour all her life which all I can say has been different. I like the post about reverting back to childhood as I know I have done that. Yet I have also been the parent to my mum many times in my life. My mum too through out her life after an episode would be tearful saying she thinks she’s going crazy. Funny I haven’t had that from her now it’s everyone else who is crazy now not her. To help with anxiety for me I use eft the tapping solution. It works don’t know how tho. Sometimes just getting the time away from mum is difficult to do it. There is lots about it on YouTube.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,799
0
I don’t think now is the time for me or my sister to go back, we really need to be much better frame of mind. We will go but with the restrictions put in place at the moment by the care home which they have to do, it’s going to be really difficult. Mum will be going off on one and we are only getting a 30 minute visit, it will take us all that time to calm her down if we get to at all, and then we would have to leave and I would find that upsetting as well, leaving her in a state not being able to even calm her down. I know I have to change how I am approaching this and to stop carry guilt and fear .
I'm sure this is the right decision. I know that these visits are the best that care-homes can offer at the moment but I don't see how they can work well for those of our relatives who are easily agitated. Best to give yourselves and your mum a bit of space.
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
There is some great advice here. My mum was diagnosed 18 months ago too. But I knew there was something wrong long before then. When mum had all her scans and checks it was discovered as the Spanish say an abnormality on her brain which could have been there from a very early age. It does help in describing mums behaviour all her life which all I can say has been different. I like the post about reverting back to childhood as I know I have done that. Yet I have also been the parent to my mum many times in my life. My mum too through out her life after an episode would be tearful saying she thinks she’s going crazy. Funny I haven’t had that from her now it’s everyone else who is crazy now not her. To help with anxiety for me I use eft the tapping solution. It works don’t know how tho. Sometimes just getting the time away from mum is difficult to do it. There is lots about it on YouTube.
We knew there was something wrong with mum, some of her behaviour was really bizarre and she was booked in for a head scan, we had the worse time getting her there and she kicked off when we arrived, the Dr then asked her if she would go ahead w the scans and tears and she said no, so they said that is it, they couldn’t force her. We then had to wait another year before we more or less tricked her into going through with it and the result floored me. I think I went into shock actually haven’t it confirmed, I knew in the back of my mind that this was the problem but having it confirmed just threw me.
since then it has just got worse and worse as the dementia progresses and her own personality mixed in with that makes the whole situation unbearable, literally unbearable, I know I have to get past this but i just go into panic mode and lose the plot, I then just want to shut down and not really want to communicate with anyone.
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
I'm sure this is the right decision. I know that these visits are the best that care-homes can offer at the moment but I don't see how they can work well for those of our relatives who are easily agitated. Best to give yourselves and your mum a bit of space.
We have discussed it so much , me and my sister, and we seriously can’t see the benefits to go back yet with the 30 minute time slot and the distance, we know her best and we know exactly how she will behave. we can’t handle it, I am worse than my sister, she is a bit stronger than me, but I will get upset and probably end up in tears for sure and the heavy sick feeling that I get lasts for days ,I can’t walk around like that as all I then want to do is shut myself away. It’s ridiculous isn’t it?
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
From my own experience of anxiety and depression, it can have a nasty habit of creeping up on you in a stealth like manner. This can be especially true if you are busy dealing with a difficult situation that takes a great amount of your time and energy - you don't necessarily realise just how much things are affecting you. In a strange sort of way, it can be when things start to ease in a practical sense and you have more time that it really hits you just what an effect things have had on you.
Absolutely, we generally, every single day hit the floor running. Work, Family , shopping , housework, cooking, animal two elderly parents needing help, and all this has to be done , most of it anyway before my husband has to get to bed for 6-7 pm as he starts work at 12:30 in the morning.
I don’t sleep very well either, roughly 3-4 hours a night and up at 5:30am., I also have a couple of very minor health issues, but they seem to be getting worse, I think because of stress.
This lockdown literally forced people into doing nothing and then like you say, you have this massive reality check... I don’t know how we were doing it all.
i struggled in the beginning of lockdown, out of routine and not having my normal stuff to do but then I began to realise how much we pack into each and every day on top of that being verbally battered by mum and her bad mood and temper, never being able to do right from wrong, the amount of pressure was too much.
I fear for what is coming our way and going back to that scares the living daylights out of me and right smack bang in the middle all I see is my mums disapproval scowls and shouting and threatening. I am scared of an 82 year old dementia patient ?‍♀️?‍♀️
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
82
0
Spain
Absolutely, we generally, every single day hit the floor running. Work, Family , shopping , housework, cooking, animal two elderly parents needing help, and all this has to be done , most of it anyway before my husband has to get to bed for 6-7 pm as he starts work at 12:30 in the morning.
I don’t sleep very well either, roughly 3-4 hours a night and up at 5:30am., I also have a couple of very minor health issues, but they seem to be getting worse, I think because of stress.
This lockdown literally forced people into doing nothing and then like you say, you have this massive reality check... I don’t know how we were doing it all.
i struggled in the beginning of lockdown, out of routine and not having my normal stuff to do but then I began to realise how much we pack into each and every day on top of that being verbally battered by mum and her bad mood and temper, never being able to do right from wrong, the amount of pressure was too much.
I fear for what is coming our way and going back to that scares the living daylights out of me and right smack bang in the middle all I see is my mums disapproval scowls and shouting and threatening. I am scared of an 82 year old dementia patient ?‍♀️?‍♀️
I have been terrified of my mothers anger and moods all my life. With the dementia thrown in and mum living with me I have been in consrant fear. I have accepted place for mum in care home will be working thro details tomorrow I’m terrified when day comes to move her. Yet funny as if seems as mum and I have had a strange relationship our life I know I am going to really miss her. Even tho there is part of me which wishes she would just join dad I don’t know what I will do without her in my life.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,142
0
Southampton
maybe need to work through things for yourself. saying you can choose your friends but not your family. just because they are my parents doesnt mean i have to like them. i understand more than people realise. i dont want my experiences affect my peace of mind otherwise they are still in control. i hope i havent overstepped the mark, just trying to be honest.
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
82
0
Spain
maybe need to work through things for yourself. saying you can choose your friends but not your family. just because they are my parents doesnt mean i have to like them. i understand more than people realise. i dont want my experiences affect my peace of mind otherwise they are still in control. i hope i havent overstepped the mark, just trying to be honest.
You are so true.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I will join in the general chorus that says that you do not have to visit her, @Joey16
Why has this news thrown you so much? You know it wouldnt be good for either you or your mum. The care home is not compelling you to go, they are only informing you that this is available. Are you worried about what the staff might think? Dont be - they know what your mum is like and will probably be glad if you dont visit! Anyway, what does it matter what other people think?
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
I will join in the general chorus that says that you do not have to visit her, @Joey16
Why has this news thrown you so much? You know it wouldnt be good for either you or your mum. The care home is not compelling you to go, they are only informing you that this is available. Are you worried about what the staff might think? Dont be - they know what your mum is like and will probably be glad if you dont visit! Anyway, what does it matter what other people think?
I do fret about what people think, absolutely. I think I have been ‘conditioned’ by mum into thinking that I and my sister are not good enough and we don’t care blah blah blah we never do enough for her and I do worry that is what people will think, that we don’t care. You are right about hem not wanting us to visit, when we had trouble with the video calling and it took them so long to calm her down it was agreed that it was for the best not to do it anymore, it took up a ,to of their time getting her settled, it was detrimental to her and to us and to be hones, I was relieved when they agreed for it to stop, but I still felt guilty, something I need to work on I know.
I just want to be more level headed with all this, I don’t want to be a complete wreck at the mention of her name or getting a text message from the home, my sister and I are actively avoiding talking about her because of how it makes us feel, which is wrong, we should be able to talk about her and support each other, which we absolutely do, but I don’t want to upset her and she doesn’t to upset me.
So the conversation regarding her is very limited and only when we need to.
In an ideal world I would of liked things to of been so very different for mum, calmer happier not in a care home at all , but we are where we are and it’s sucking the life out of us, I don’t want to feel like this about her, she Is our mum and we need to be with her until the end without these horrible feelings, it feels so wrong to know that I am avoiding her, but this is because of everything I have said in this forum and I am not coping with the situation.
They call me the weakest link at home.... I know why now! ☹️
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
I have been terrified of my mothers anger and moods all my life. With the dementia thrown in and mum living with me I have been in consrant fear. I have accepted place for mum in care home will be working thro details tomorrow I’m terrified when day comes to move her. Yet funny as if seems as mum and I have had a strange relationship our life I know I am going to really miss her. Even tho there is part of me which wishes she would just join dad I don’t know what I will do without her in my life.
I completely get that, it’s very strange. We all grew up fearing our mums temper and moods. Very strong willed and determined, it was always her way, that was it no ifs, buts or maybes, and if you did anything wrong, which we rarely did, because of fear, she would let you know about it, we got smacked.... HARD, she ruled with an iron fist and you stayed in line.
Our relationship only really started 23 years ago after she had become divorced, she had pretty much isolated herself from any friends and she and our stepdad at the time where very very insular. We as her children were excluded.
So we got on with our lives, we did see her and we did visit, it you always felt that you weren’t really welcome, you had put them out in some way.
When she found herself single after a 30+ year relationship had ended she couldn’t cope, she needed us to help her, it was like teaching a baby to walk. So I stepped in and took over a lot of things for her so she didn’t have to worry about stuff and so we carried on, for a little while we did all get on ok, very rocky and up and down, had episodes of not talking over one thing or another, but we got on with it.
Now she is poorly feel like I should be doing so much more than I am being a better daughter, but here I am running for the hills a complete mental and physical wreck... who knew this is what would happen to me as a result of her diagnosis x???
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,799
0
We have discussed it so much , me and my sister, and we seriously can’t see the benefits to go back yet with the 30 minute time slot and the distance, we know her best and we know exactly how she will behave. we can’t handle it, I am worse than my sister, she is a bit stronger than me, but I will get upset and probably end up in tears for sure and the heavy sick feeling that I get lasts for days ,I can’t walk around like that as all I then want to do is shut myself away. It’s ridiculous isn’t it?
Not at all ridiculous. I'd been visiting my mum every day for three years before the lock-down and still felt like you did when I got the letter about distance visits. Kindness is not weakness but it does make it hard to think about yourself.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
We all grew up fearing our mums temper and moods. Very strong willed and determined, it was always her way, that was it no ifs, buts or maybes, and if you did anything wrong, which we rarely did, because of fear, she would let you know about it, we got smacked.... HARD, she ruled with an iron fist and you stayed in line.
Our relationship only really started 23 years ago after she had become divorced, she had pretty much isolated herself from any friends and she and our stepdad at the time where very very insular. We as her children were excluded.
These things leave a mark. I am not surprised that you feel as you do now, even though there is no need.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,799
0
I do fret about what people think, absolutely. I think I have been ‘conditioned’ by mum into thinking that I and my sister are not good enough and we don’t care blah blah blah we never do enough for her and I do worry that is what people will think, that we don’t care. You are right about hem not wanting us to visit, when we had trouble with the video calling and it took them so long to calm her down it was agreed that it was for the best not to do it anymore, it took up a ,to of their time getting her settled, it was detrimental to her and to us and to be hones, I was relieved when they agreed for it to stop, but I still felt guilty, something I need to work on I know.
I just want to be more level headed with all this, I don’t want to be a complete wreck at the mention of her name or getting a text message from the home, my sister and I are actively avoiding talking about her because of how it makes us feel, which is wrong, we should be able to talk about her and support each other, which we absolutely do, but I don’t want to upset her and she doesn’t to upset me.
So the conversation regarding her is very limited and only when we need to.
In an ideal world I would of liked things to of been so very different for mum, calmer happier not in a care home at all , but we are where we are and it’s sucking the life out of us, I don’t want to feel like this about her, she Is our mum and we need to be with her until the end without these horrible feelings, it feels so wrong to know that I am avoiding her, but this is because of everything I have said in this forum and I am not coping with the situation.
They call me the weakest link at home.... I know why now! ☹
Let's make that the kindest link, shall we?
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
0
I completely get that, it’s very strange. We all grew up fearing our mums temper and moods. Very strong willed and determined, it was always her way, that was it no ifs, buts or maybes, and if you did anything wrong, which we rarely did, because of fear, she would let you know about it, we got smacked.... HARD, she ruled with an iron fist and you stayed in line.
Our relationship only really started 23 years ago after she had become divorced, she had pretty much isolated herself from any friends and she and our stepdad at the time where very very insular. We as her children were excluded.
So we got on with our lives, we did see her and we did visit, it you always felt that you weren’t really welcome, you had put them out in some way.
When she found herself single after a 30+ year relationship had ended she couldn’t cope, she needed us to help her, it was like teaching a baby to walk. So I stepped in and took over a lot of things for her so she didn’t have to worry about stuff and so we carried on, for a little while we did all get on ok, very rocky and up and down, had episodes of not talking over one thing or another, but we got on with it.
Now she is poorly feel like I should be doing so much more than I am being a better daughter, but here I am running for the hills a complete mental and physical wreck... who knew this is what would happen to me as a result of her diagnosis x???
It's very sad when families break down like this but it does sound like your mum was very controlling and it would help you to get therapy to talk about it to a professional. A friend of mine had massive issues with her mum and ending up cutting her out of her life for her own sanity. Maybe it's time for you to do the same or perhaps you can visit when she's at a different stage of dementia and less volatile.
 

Timebar

Registered User
Jun 13, 2019
22
0
When it gets to the point that you are actually frightened of visiting then it's time to step back for however long it takes you not to feel this way. You simply cannot go on like this. She is safe and her day to day needs are being met. The one who is at risk and is vulnerable here is you, not her! Make sure her bills are paid, she has what she needs re toiletries, money for hair/chiropody etc and step back and concentrate on yourself and your wellbeing, however that works best for you. Tell the home what you are doing and in what circumstances you want communications from them, falls/illness etc and let it be.

Sorry if this feels harsh, but you are so stressed by all this you really need to give yourself a break.
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
55
0
It's very sad when families break down like this but it does sound like your mum was very controlling and it would help you to get therapy to talk about it to a professional. A friend of mine had massive issues with her mum and ending up cutting her out of her life for her own sanity. Maybe it's time for you to do the same or perhaps you can visit when she's at a different stage of dementia and less volatile.
I absolutely agree with everything you say. we need to talk to someone moving forward so we can have a relationship of sorts with mum and do what ever it is we can do for her.
We would never cut her out, I for one could never do that to her but the whole situation needs to change it needs to be different for all our sakes.