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6FNAUTICLUB

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
51
0
I'm not proud as I write this but after an awful week, we walked out from our visit to Mum - her behaviour over the past week both to us and the staff has been dreadful - Doc stopped Metformin 10 days ago because of a drop in GFR to 29 to see if this would help - she has had a nasty UTI which thankfully has cleared up but as a result of this and six monthly Diabetes bloods Doc has said to try no Metformin and she needs to be drinking more water and to cut down on the orange juice, we assume because of the sugars and acid etc.

For someone with VD and Alzheimer's we are amazed that she can muster up the strength etc to be so rude and argumentative- at the moment are thoughts are to just leave her and let her get on with it and if she can't see that everyone is just trying to help her then so be it but every visit, she is constantly moaning, telling us we don't know anything etc, there is only so much a person can take. I've tried to toughen up myself but I just can't do it and really don't know what to do next for the best.
 

CarerForMum

Registered User
May 5, 2017
37
0
So sorry to hear this.

My own experience, I always bear the brunt of verbal abuse, accusations, threats etc. People say to me, it is because I am the closest person to her - which doesn't stop the hurting inside.

My mother tends to blurt things out, which to me always sounds aggressive, until someone explained, if they have a thought, they try to get the words out all at once in case they forget. Which actually made sense and I've calmed down now. I would answer the phone and a load of abuse, when I got the chance (she took a breath), I would say mum, can you start again because I have no idea of what you are trying to say to me. One occasion I actually said to her, when you can talk to me in a civil manner I'll talk to you :(

Remember, it is the disease and not your mother. She's frightened, things in her head are mixed up or foggy and the gaps are filled with other things.

Hopefully someone may come along and give you more advice. A (((hug))) sent your way.
 

6FNAUTICLUB

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
51
0
So sorry to hear this.

My own experience, I always bear the brunt of verbal abuse, accusations, threats etc. People say to me, it is because I am the closest person to her - which doesn't stop the hurting inside.

My mother tends to blurt things out, which to me always sounds aggressive, until someone explained, if they have a thought, they try to get the words out all at once in case they forget. Which actually made sense and I've calmed down now. I would answer the phone and a load of abuse, when I got the chance (she took a breath), I would say mum, can you start again because I have no idea of what you are trying to say to me. One occasion I actually said to her, when you can talk to me in a civil manner I'll talk to you :(

Remember, it is the disease and not your mother. She's frightened, things in her head are mixed up or foggy and the gaps are filled with other things.

Hopefully someone may come along and give you more advice. A (((hug))) sent your way.

Thank you
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Keep the visits short, sweet and well spaced apart!!!!! I totally agree with leaving if a visit is leaving the resident disturbed for any reason. I too walked out several times, however I was able to re visit in the afternoon because I lived very close to the CH and could pop in for 5 minutes..

It could be the UTI, the diabetes, the dementia, or just the fact that there is a Y in the day:rolleyes: Sadly if it is the Dementia, then you cannot expect her to change overnight.:(

Draw a deep breath, gird your loins and give it another try..... just not necessarily today though!.:D:D xx
 

Rosnpton

Registered User
Mar 19, 2017
394
0
Northants
We have similar problems.mum in ch with az.was always 'nicer'to brother even before dementia. She is always looking to get out,blames me for who being in the home (I drove her there as brother not local and doesn't drive) hates me etc etc.
Atm.she also has uti.
After a lot of quite serious accusations last year when only in the home a matter of weeks, I was investigated under a safe guarding complaint she made.unfounded.several fraught weeks with ss,mental health team,gps,and previous care providers involved .
The ch told us to always react in the same way to accusations or nasty visit
As with a child,say 'mum that's isn't very nice.......please don't say........do that......'
If it carries on,repeat but this time saying 'if I continue to upset you I will have to go'
If it carried on 5min warning of leaving, then up and go.

It is hard to do.especially if you have only been there a few minutes etc.
Some times she stops and we have a reasonable visit,other times we leave.
It may not help her/ she may not remember why you left, but it helps me not to get so very upset and emotional. After a long bad visit,I would drag it home,rehash with Hubble making him annoyed etc and dwell on it for ages.
Now,I give the 5min warning and if she doesn't calm down jsut get up and say bye and go.
Still a rotten visit,but much shorter and less to churn over and over in my head.

We were also told,if it is obvious she makes an effort to 'rein in' the temper,and stop accusations etc we 'praise ' her by asking what treat she wants taking in the following visit. Only something small and we were told to give a choice,not leave it an open question. So 'would you like some ginger biscuits or custard creams bought in.' Or 'would you like a mag or a word search.' type of thing. This is then taken in to her. The ch said it sort of reinforces a positive visit. A lot of the behaviour cannot be controlled,is jsut down to the illness etc etc, but in mums case, there is an element of manipulation,playing one family member against the other etc,and we can tell by her face,voice and body language when she is 'with us' and knows what she is saying rather then in her dementia world.

Good luck and hope the next visit is a positive one
Ros
.
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
When my mother was in one of her nasty phases (there were several, I regret), I would leave. Once I left within 5 minutes of arriving. when it was grinding me down, I would take a break from visiting for a week or two. I learned not to argue or debate, as one cannot reason with an unreasonable person.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,112
0
south-east London
I am not in the same situation as you as my husband is with me at home - but I do agree with the advice of others not to feel guilty and to spread visits more or keep them shorter if need be.

Last year my husband's behaviour was such that he ended up in a NHS secure unit for a couple of months while they worked on getting his medication right so that he could return home.

During that time I visited every day but I never knew what kind of reception I would get. Some days we had relaxed visits lasting two hours twice a day but on some days his attitude towards me was so rude or cold that I was in and out in 10 minutes, staying just long enough to make sure he was comfortable and to collect washing, deliver freshly laundered clothes.

I did feel guilty about such short visits but I also know that I did the right thing in order to give him the space and time he needed.
 

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