Not a single offer of help

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,004
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
During the past 2 months or so Pauline’s mobility has declined and back pain increased substantially; so much so she is terrified of going out alone. We have tried a walking stick which helped for a while but became clear she needed a Rollator walker and so arranged a visit to GP and got referral for an X-ray as GP suspected Osteoporosis of the upper spine and requested a referral for ‘At home’ physio assessment . Today the verdict was an extension of the severe osteoarthritis she has in hips and lower spine and not a lot can be done except pain relief and yes, a referral as requested. Couple with the ever increasing affects of Alzheimer’s quality of life for her a very low ebb. her 3 sons and 2 spouses looked sympathetic and expressed regret but not one has ever ever asked if I need help nor offered it. Wonder what they would do If I wasn’t around for her?
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,049
cornwall
During the past 2 months or so Pauline’s mobility has declined and back pain increased substantially; so much so she is terrified of going out alone. We have tried a walking stick which helped for a while but became clear she needed a Rollator walker and so arranged a visit to GP and got referral for an X-ray as GP suspected Osteoporosis of the upper spine and requested a referral for ‘At home’ physio assessment . Today the verdict was an extension of the severe osteoarthritis she has in hips and lower spine and not a lot can be done except pain relief and yes, a referral as requested. Couple with the ever increasing affects of Alzheimer’s quality of life for her a very low ebb. her 3 sons and 2 spouses looked sympathetic and expressed regret but not one has ever ever asked if I need help nor offered it. Wonder what they would do If I wasn’t around for her?
What would they say if you asked?
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,240
65
Toronto, Canada
I was also wondering what their response would be if you asked. Sometimes people are just oblivious. If you appear to be coping, people won't think to ask. Ask them, you may get a response that will pleasantly surprise you.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
341
During the past 2 months or so Pauline’s mobility has declined and back pain increased substantially; so much so she is terrified of going out alone. We have tried a walking stick which helped for a while but became clear she needed a Rollator walker and so arranged a visit to GP and got referral for an X-ray as GP suspected Osteoporosis of the upper spine and requested a referral for ‘At home’ physio assessment . Today the verdict was an extension of the severe osteoarthritis she has in hips and lower spine and not a lot can be done except pain relief and yes, a referral as requested. Couple with the ever increasing affects of Alzheimer’s quality of life for her a very low ebb. her 3 sons and 2 spouses looked sympathetic and expressed regret but not one has ever ever asked if I need help nor offered it. Wonder what they would do If I wasn’t around for her?
Wow @Agzy I'm surprised to see someone in a similar situation as myself regarding the PWD's children. I notice people have mentioned whether you have asked for help - if you do then I hope you have more luck than me! It was my partner's birthday recently and 2 of his 4 grown up children didn't even send him a card or phone him - it makes me very sad for him. Anyway, if you haven't already asked for help then give it a try and good luck, it sounds like you could really do with a bit of support.
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
396
Wow @Agzy I'm surprised to see someone in a similar situation as myself regarding the PWD's children. I notice people have mentioned whether you have asked for help - if you do then I hope you have more luck than me! It was my partner's birthday recently and 2 of his 4 grown up children didn't even send him a card or phone him - it makes me very sad for him. Anyway, if you haven't already asked for help then give it a try and good luck, it sounds like you could really do with a bit of support.
White Rose it comes as no surprise to me as my situation is the same, when it was the PWD’s birthday recently there was no visit to the care home by their son, the sons wife did drop a card off the day before WOW, I don’t know how they live with themselves
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,984
Victoria, Australia
Wow @Agzy I'm surprised to see someone in a similar situation as myself regarding the PWD's children. I notice people have mentioned whether you have asked for help - if you do then I hope you have more luck than me! It was my partner's birthday recently and 2 of his 4 grown up children didn't even send him a card or phone him - it makes me very sad for him. Anyway, if you haven't already asked for help then give it a try and good luck, it sounds like you could really do with a bit of support.
You should read some of the stories about the children of a PWD here on Talking Point. Agzy's storiy is very sad and shouldn't happen and I know how he feels. I have always been the wicked stepmother and OH's children are experts in sending abusive emails instead of loving birthday cards.

All because of money, what they perceive to be theirs, not just when he dies but when they get themselves in a mess. They live across the other side of the world and I understand that they can't pop in to help but they do expect us to fund their trip out here or that my husband should travel for 24 hours to visit them (obviously no understanding of his health).

My husband no longer has any contact with his children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. His brothers are lovely and wonderfully supportive.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
144
Wow @Agzy I'm surprised to see someone in a similar situation as myself regarding the PWD's children. I notice people have mentioned whether you have asked for help - if you do then I hope you have more luck than me! It was my partner's birthday recently and 2 of his 4 grown up children didn't even send him a card or phone him - it makes me very sad for him. Anyway, if you haven't already asked for help then give it a try and good luck, it sounds like you could really do with a bit of support.
Unfortunately, it is a familiar story! My stepson lives in the Far East, and it has taken a long time to get him to show any interest in our situation. He would phone or Skype infrequently. Here I am my husbands sole carer on a 24/7 basis. I would be criticised and blamed for anything and everything, whilst his son was praised to the sky. I then asked the blue eyed boy to phone weekly, which he did. But there was no recognition that I was struggling. If I told him some of the sorry tales of life, he would react with comments like ‘sorry things aren’t too good’. In the end, I blew and emailed him a tirade of what I thought of him. He was a bit better after that and phones twice a week. He came over in November (I gave him the money for the fare as usual!)and I gave him another piece of my mind. All I needed was for him to say that he wished he could help, I don’t want him here as that would be even more work for me!! Any way he has improved although, to be fair, he has no idea how to communicate with his Dad any more.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
366
Mid Lincs
I never really expected a lot from my step children. Already grown up when I met their dad and whilst on good terms with their father not what I would describe as close (unless they needed help).
One moved abroad some years ago, the other joining them in a matter of weeks.
It was the one who lives here that first alerted me to getting OH checked out, yes his memory was fairly poor but that was all I noticed. However when he was asked to give them a hand and I wasn't there OH apparently fell apart, didn't know where he was what he was doing etc, etc. I remember s/son saying, ' Let us help you, let us share the burden'. That was the time any form of support was offered. In the 3 yrs since, he has sent birthday cards, and christmas cards, managed to see his father twice in the 12 weeks when he was in hospital, despite living only 3 miles from there and came over between Christmas and New Year for an hour to basically say goodbye because of emigrating.
If thats sharing the burden I hate to think of the support we would get if he didn't a fig!
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,004
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
What would they say if you asked?
Standard comments when actually here all involve how busy they are and how little time they have to visit (no mention of using the phone) and when mums health is mentioned the looks and changes in conversation tell their own story but I have decided to have a weekend away next month and will ask them to sort a rota to visit and help just for 48 hours and results may surprise me! Not holding my breath though.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
779
Pratteln Switzerland
Yes, I find asking for support and help very difficult. But I have had to humble myself and make it known how I can be helped by others.

I have been blessed in that my husband's family (mum, brother, sister, and brothers. Especially, my sister in law and my husband's eldest brother) have been financially supportive. They gifted us one day a week of daycare, and have taken "rota" over the years so I could get away. As my husband, was so young, and his diagnosis was three years after he was fired from his job so no disability from the company. Which made our financial situation difficult, and I must be very careful with funds.

Our family is patchwork, Yours, Mine and Ours. My two children locally, one my husband's and one is my daughter, his step daughter, who he raised lovingly like a blood father, are very supportive and helpful. My daughter and son in law have also gifted one day a week of daycare for my husband.

My stepson has been supportive in the past being part of rota care three years ago when I made a trip to the USA. But as children of a divorce, they love their father but live in another country and have careers and young families. I know that they love us and that must be enough for me. Sometimes I have been irritated with my stepdaughter who does not think practically about helping, and she is extremely affected by the deterioration of her father and it makes her unhappy and uncomfortable. She does not offer help. But offers of help are rare ......I find I must ask for help.

I really try to have no expectations of the children who live abroad it is just too difficult for us to see them and they are making their way in life. The reality of our situation was, we were more like doting uncle and auntie, than involved parents. (And financial support for their care and private schools) The children were very young when their parents divorced and their mother and their step father were their primary influence-rs and did the parenting. And a good job they made of it!

Our youngest son, comes every Sunday evening and makes dinner for his dad and I go out. He is the most physically involved with his father. Occasionally bathing him, but every week helping him to use the toilet, and getting him undressed and into bed while I am out.

I would no longer ask my husband's siblings to rota for care when I wish to travel. The care now it too intimate and I cannot expect them to participate in this.

I will travel to the USA in April for a wedding, I will stay the mother of the bride, a dear friend and not spend much money. The cost of the trip is for the care of my husband. The daycare will take him for 5 days while I am away and I have one carer on contract and my son will share the weekend and nights while I am away. The biggest cost of travel for me is Nicky's care.


But my point in all this is.....if I want help I must ask for help with no expectations or recriminations. If I am going to have relief and a life while being a long-term carer, I must get over my own ego and ask for help. It is not a comfortable place to be or easy to do.

I would of course wish to be completely independent and self sufficient, but my life did not turn out like that. My dear friend tells me that I am giving others the joy of being of service and help, which is a blessing. She is a lemonade maker!!!
 
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jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
661
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Sometimes I have been irritated with my stepdaughter who does not think practically about helping, and she is extremely affected by the deterioration of her father and it makes her unhappy and uncomfortable. She does not offer help.
We only have one daughter, our only son passed away four years ago with cancer. What you say about your stepdaughter sums up what I think is how our daughter is. She sometimes takes me out when I have a carer in to look after her father, but there is no offer of help with her father. I have asked on occasion but she always has a reason why she can't. Only once, two years ago, did she mind him for the day while I went to the funeral of a friend. This was not long after we had moved to be nearer to her, which is why we moved, so she could help. I think that day seeing how he was has affected her. I don't ask anymore.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
341
Unfortunately, it is a familiar story! My stepson lives in the Far East, and it has taken a long time to get him to show any interest in our situation. He would phone or Skype infrequently. Here I am my husbands sole carer on a 24/7 basis. I would be criticised and blamed for anything and everything, whilst his son was praised to the sky. I then asked the blue eyed boy to phone weekly, which he did. But there was no recognition that I was struggling. If I told him some of the sorry tales of life, he would react with comments like ‘sorry things aren’t too good’. In the end, I blew and emailed him a tirade of what I thought of him. He was a bit better after that and phones twice a week. He came over in November (I gave him the money for the fare as usual!)and I gave him another piece of my mind. All I needed was for him to say that he wished he could help, I don’t want him here as that would be even more work for me!! Any way he has improved although, to be fair, he has no idea how to communicate with his Dad any more.
Oh my goodness @Vitesse, how familiar is this. One of my partner's adult children lives abroad and will Skype about once every 3 months asking him questions that he can't possibly answer because they are beyond him - a visit will be once in 2 years - well who knows where he'll be on the next visit!
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
341
You should read some of the stories about the children of a PWD here on Talking Point. Agzy's storiy is very sad and shouldn't happen and I know how he feels. I have always been the wicked stepmother and OH's children are experts in sending abusive emails instead of loving birthday cards.

All because of money, what they perceive to be theirs, not just when he dies but when they get themselves in a mess. They live across the other side of the world and I understand that they can't pop in to help but they do expect us to fund their trip out here or that my husband should travel for 24 hours to visit them (obviously no understanding of his health).

My husband no longer has any contact with his children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. His brothers are lovely and wonderfully supportive.
It is very sad isn't it. Yes the inheritance has reared its ugly head in our situation as well. I gave his children a sum of money with my partner's agreement after diagnosis because I didn't want them to keep asking me to send them money.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,984
Victoria, Australia
It is very sad isn't it. Yes the inheritance has reared its ugly head in our situation as well. I gave his children a sum of money with my partner's agreement after diagnosis because I didn't want them to keep asking me to send them money.
Our problems started 4 months after we were married with one son insisting that he should have input into our wills. As if! We had mirror wills leaving everything to each other and then to be split equally between his two children and my two when the second one of us died.

Fifteen years later after all the trauma and vitriol, my husband decided that he would prefer to exclude his children from his will and of course I heartily agreed. So wills were changed and our lovely GP wrote a statement of testamentary capacity in support. There are specific clauses in the wills as to this issue but I wouldn't put it past them to contest. Though a long distance court case might be beyond them financially.

We are both pensioners and have a little money invested so can't afford to keep funding trips for them especially when they don't have 'normal' jobs. Don't know where their money comes from and I don't think I want to know.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
779
Pratteln Switzerland
Fifteen years later after all the trauma and vitriol, my husband decided that he would prefer to exclude his children from his will and of course I heartily agreed. So wills were changed and our lovely GP wrote a statement of testamentary capacity in support. There are specific clauses in the wills as to this issue but I wouldn't put it past them to contest. Though a long distance court case might be beyond them financially.

We are both pensioners and have a little money invested so can't afford to keep funding trips for them especially when they don't have 'normal' jobs. Don't know where their money comes from and I don't think I want to know.[/QUOTE]

@Lawson58

Another way of doing things:

Swiss inheritance law includes forced heirship rules, which means that certain relatives cannot be disinherited even through a last will and testament. This means at least 50% of the estate goes to the spouse or registered partner, and at least 75% of the remaining half to the children and grandchildren. your relatives are entitled to a compulsory share of your assets when you pass on, regardless of whether or not you like them or even know them. If you do not leave a will, your assets will automatically be distributed as per intestate law. But leaving a will gives you the freedom to designate a portion of your assets to entities of your choice.
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
661
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Swiss inheritance law includes forced heirship rules, which means that certain relatives cannot be disinherited even through a last will and testament. This means at least 50% of the estate goes to the spouse or registered partner, and at least 75% of the remaining half to the children and grandchildren. your relatives are entitled to a compulsory share of your assets when you pass on, regardless of whether or not you like them or even know them. If you do not leave a will, your assets will automatically be distributed as per intestate law. But leaving a will gives you the freedom to designate a portion of your assets to entities of your choice.
Gosh! I never knew that. Do people find ways round that? I'm sure some must try.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,450
Dundee
In Scotland children are entitled to one third of the deceased moveable estate regardless if they are in the will or not.

This is from the Scottish Government website -

The children are collectively entitled to one-third of the deceased's moveable estate if the deceased left a spouse or civil partner, or to one-half of it if the deceased left no spouse or civil partner. Each child has an equal claim.
I was in this situation with my husband's two estranged children. My solicitor had to employ a genealogist to trace them. They were then sent letters telling them that the had the option of taking the money or not. Needless to say they took it.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,984
Victoria, Australia
[

Another way of doing things:

Swiss inheritance law includes forced heirship rules, which means that certain relatives cannot be disinherited even through a last will and testament. This means at least 50% of the estate goes to the spouse or registered partner, and at least 75% of the remaining half to the children and grandchildren. your relatives are entitled to a compulsory share of your assets when you pass on, regardless of whether or not you like them or even know them. If you do not leave a will, your assets will automatically be distributed as per intestate law. But leaving a will gives you the freedom to designate a portion of your assets to entities of your choice.[/QUOTE]
So how does that work? Does that mean you have to dispose of assets eg a house you live in to settle the estate?
 
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Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,984
Victoria, Australia
My stepson's partner who is English was devastated when her father never left her anything in his will. She hadn't spoken to him for 15 years. He was a very wealthy man so I suppose he had sorted everything out to his satisfaction.

Laws pertaining to wills varies from state to state here too.