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Not a crier usually but scaring myself

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
17
0
I am finding myself fighting back tears at times when nothing out of the ordinary is going on. My husband’s dementia is advancing but he mostly sleeps and when awake has not done anything that has required the police or neighbors’ help. I know that I am SO tired of it all with the worst yet to come. But my sudden crying jags are worrying me that i am not going to be up to the task ahead. I have never been a crier …..
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,750
0
I so understand but please don’t frighten yourself about the task ahead. None of us knows how things will turn out and it may not be too dreadful.
I’m not surprised you feel so tired.
Thinking of you with warmest wishes, Kindredxx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,413
0
Scotland
Why would you not cry when faced with uncertainty? @kindred is right though that things may be within your capability or you will find strengths you didn’t know you had. I became an expert in skills I never wanted to learn and got through seven years of constantly changing circumstances. With it all behind me now it is a source of wonder but life is a constant source of surprise.

I wish you all the best and please bring your worries to TP. I learned so much here.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,731
0
Yorkshire
hi @Mariane
you know best how you react to situations and I'm concerned that you are showing signs of stress and possibly depression, especially if you aren't generally someone who cries
we all find that there are some things we can deal with and others that overwhelm us, and it's different for each one of us ... and we each find strength in different ways too
please have a chat with your GP about you, how you are feeling and how you are (not) coping, rather than about your husband, as your health and welfare are important ... your GP may be able to suggest some ways to help

have you people you can actually talk to (as well as posting here) so you can voice your worries and not keep them to yourself
please remember that the support line is there with willing ears to listen
 

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
17
0
Thank you for your encouragement. It helps not to feel so alone. I haven the energy to explain how things are caring for a loved one to me good friends who I think can’t really understand the stress and tension of every day when they have no background experience at all. He cannot remember anything from one minute to the next but they don’t know that and can’t imagine it because in the moment he seems just fine. Only kind people like here actually get it …so thank you again.
 

liz9

New member
Sep 22, 2021
8
0
I think you should go and see your GP and tell them how you are feeling. It is an emotional rollercoaster dealing with this disease and its effect on a loved one.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,515
0
Newcastle
Hi @Mariane you don't have to explain on this site because so many of us have lived and are still living with what dementia does to the person and their carer. As a northern male I would not feature high in the list of known criers. But I am not ashamed to admit to curling up alongside my hound and having an emotional few moments from time to time. Dementia does that, hitting carers in ways that are unimaginable until they happen. If you feel that tears are starting to take over then following the good advice given above will hopefully help. Post whatever and whenever you want and it is likely that empathy and support will follow.
 

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
17
0
I am grateful to all of you.
I think you should go and see your GP and tell them how you are feeling. It is an emotional rollercoaster dealing with this disease and its effect on a loved one.
Yes . I have been on a very long road caring for 4 sisters, widowed or without children since2009. Two have died in nursing homes, 2 are left one in assisted living ( levy Body. dementia) the other unable to fend for herself still at home alone my husband’s dementia is in its 5 th year and really moving along the continuum. It just become so exhausting for so many years . I am the youngest one and sad that caretaking is all I have done since 2009. My GP hasn’t been all that helpful, telling me to take care of myself…..I really don’t want to start drugs. This too shall pass (just not soon enough! ) All of us here hang in there one way or another 🙂
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
671
0
I am a bit of a crier, and have been pretty stoic with dad who has mixed dementia, but my wonderful nanna is now dying from cancer and I have cried buckets and am crying on and off most days at the moment. It was worst when I didn't have a concrete plan of what I was doing and things were more uncertain. Now she's in a nursing home and I'm nearby I'm just having a few moments. This on/off is unlike me but for the past few years I've been grinding my teeth and getting terrible TMJ pain but this hasn't happened yet and I think it's because the tears are giving a release.
My mum has not only my nan but her partner with cancer and she's been placed on antidepressants to help her cope and they do seem to have helped. I was also offered them but didn't want to take them so I do understand the reluctance but as you're on the front line it's definitely worth thinking about what could help - not to stop the tears necessarily but to prevent carer breakdown.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
Hello @Mariane

If it`s any consolation I think crying is less damaging than holding everything in because it helps release emotions.
We don`t feel it at the time but in the long term I`m sure those who allow themselves to cry will be better for it.

Why wouldn`t we cry when faced with the most upsetting illness affecting those we love the most.
 

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
17
0
Thanks Grannie and daughter for reaching out. I’m going to try not to worry about it…I do think it is a release of tension and perhaps it will help me in the long run. Can’t help but to register how our caregiving lives transform us from who we once were to how we become as we fight this dreadful life sapping disease.
 

Mrs Humphrey

Registered User
May 14, 2021
32
0
Thank you for your encouragement. It helps not to feel so alone. I haven the energy to explain how things are caring for a loved one to me good friends who I think can’t really understand the stress and tension of every day when they have no background experience at all. He cannot remember anything from one minute to the next but they don’t know that and can’t imagine it because in the moment he seems just fine. Only kind people like here actually get it …so thank you again.
 

Mrs Humphrey

Registered User
May 14, 2021
32
0
I feel just like you do. I am frightened anxious and constantly in tears and so sad. I have very few friends now owing to lifestyle moves etc but the ones who I talk to and also my two sons who sympathise just cannot imagine how overwhelming all this is. It's not just the memory loss and the non verbal issues but the weird behaviours such as washing his hands with the toothpaste etc etc. He has also started to have seizures and it is all so scary. You are not on your own in feeling as you do.
 

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
17
0
I have not even posted in awhile because I have been so depressed and just plain tired of him, of myself, of everything. I agree nobody can imagine how overwhelming this all is unless they have been there or are in the midst of the daily progression of this disease. Daily life is such an effort repeating and repeating and repeating…..looking ahead to reduce one calamity after another, keeping outwardly controlled, watching him disappear in front of my eyes knowing that the worst isyet to come…he still knows who I am, loves the dog , get dressed by himself….I should save my tears and self pity for later, but I am not as strong as I wish I was. My son doesn’t really want to know or face it either.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,413
0
Scotland
The toothpaste confusion is very common. I even tried brushing shaving foam on my own teeth to see why my husband would do it. Disgusting! It was simpler to be with him each morning and hand him what he needed. Eventually I was able to get carers three mornings a week to help although I got more out of chatting to them than actual work. Mostly I had him showered and partly dressed by the time they arrived. They were all good at asking me what else they could do to help since I already did so much.

It’s not easy and the only positive is if you can find help through day care or personal care, respite and eventually possible permanent care. We didn’t end up with the latter until after a hospital stay and then only 10 days before he died. Reach out and take what help and advice there is. It’s the only way to stay sane.