1. Cobber

    Cobber Registered User

    Sep 13, 2016
    30
    Not sleeping at night, up 3/4 times, crying for mother, to go home. Practically the same all day long, only quiet if I take her out in car or eating, which she does sparingly. My question is at about 4.00pm she wants to go to bed. Should I put her to bed? I know she will get up etc., but do you think I should try?
     
  2. YorkshireLass

    YorkshireLass Registered User

    Feb 15, 2017
    201
    Female
    Ilkley
    Hi Cobber, I gave up trying to "keep things normal" and just responded to what was happening at the time. I looked after my mum at home but trying to look after her all day and then getting up sometimes 11 times a night I had to surrender and mum moved into care. They tried their best (at the request of the Elderly Care Psychiatrist - as if we all hadn't tried!) to establish a sleep pattern. Two and a half years later mum has now had to move into nursing care and she continues to call out for her mum, dad or brother. She stays awake for days and nights at a time then sleeps for 2 or three days with no medication, no food and little drink. My only suggestion is do what is best for calming the situation at the time. I visit mum every single day and sometimes I don't see her awake for a week but to be honest sadly I am relieved. It's so much better than her fear and distress. Try and take care of yourself - easier said than done that's for sure.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,093
    Kent
    If you can cope by having a nap or a rest at the same time and then being awake during the night, then perhaps its worth a try @Cobber. She is probably exhausted by this constant anxiety.

    You could ask the medics to help with something to calm her. I know they try not to give sedation because ut increases the risk of falls but constant crying and anxiety can`t be good for her either and it`s really all about trying to find a compromise.

    The change at 4pm could be sundowning. If you could take her out then, it may help. The only trouble is it`s so cold and dark by then.

    I do hope you find a way round this.
     
  4. Cobber

    Cobber Registered User

    Sep 13, 2016
    30
    Thanks. 10 years down line, I know it is me, I have to find way around, just sometimes it all gets too much. This group gives me a chAnce to whinge without being judged. Deep breaths, and carry on, regardless!!
     
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,197
    Medication is a good option. You need to be rested & in good health.
     
  6. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    87
    Yes its tough. My mum would get up every night, start packing into carrier bags usually, and get ready to go home. She would do this during the day as well and I would take her out for a drive and usually for a cup of coffee and cake at a supermarket, this seemed to take her mind off it and calm her down, it was always, "Are we going, come on lets go, I'm ready". On one occasion she got out, went on a bus then got back almost home again when she fell over and was helped by a nice man. I kept the door securely locked after that incident, she didn't really hurt herself luckily enough and thankfully never tried to go out again on her own. I had given her a right telling off and she may have even thought that I was her father or my father at times.

    I often wonder how I managed for so many years on my own, the worst part was when she would refuse to get out of the car and just sit there, then she would get aggressive with me. Many times some wonderful nurses at the hospital, knowing what she was like, would come to my car and get her, eventually she would agree to go with the lovely smiling ladies as she called them, and they would say to me, Ray, we'll look after her, go and get a yourself a cup of tea.

    I was told that wanting to go home and calling for parents and siblings takes them back to a time when they were children and their life was secure within their family, that they are comforted by these old memories that may seem real to them. She always wanted to go see her mother who has been dead the past 30 years, in fact she thought everyone was still alive from her childhood.

    It certainly takes a lot of patience, I think its wonderful that you are able to care for her at home, not easy, and not everyone can do it. I personally would do it all over again if I had to.
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,197
    I am one of those people who couldn’t & cant care for my PWD at home. I’m working & disabled so it’s not an option, but i do my best to ensure that both PWD are cared for. No easy answers for any scenario!
     
  8. BryanG2001

    BryanG2001 Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    78
    Dealing with one bit at a time, I have a theory, if you would like to give it a try. We haven't had to try to move Mums circadian rhythm as so far she has stayed at normal time, touch wood, so this is just a theory. Circadian rhythm and Jet Lag are related and buried deep in the brain, in the Suprachiasmatic Nucleus according to my research. So what works for Jet Lag may work for Dementia patients who have lost synchronisation with their circadian rhythm. For Jet Lag they did some experiments and found that you could shift the circadian rhythm by when a person is exposed to bright light.
    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-prevent-jet-lag/
    So in theory you should be able to shift when a person gets sleepy by exposing them to bright light at different times in the day. Where this may fall apart is if this part of the brain has Dementia damage, but it is a deep and old part of the brain, and those are usually the ones that survive the longest.

    The next bit isn't a theory. Keep a record of her sleep and your sleep and use the record to beat the Doctor over the head about why he/she won't prescribe sleeping tablets. Sleep deprivation is used in torture, it damages the brain.

    One final thought, at some point you will miss the constant talking and wish she was still able to do it.
     
  9. YorkshireLass

    YorkshireLass Registered User

    Feb 15, 2017
    201
    Female
    Ilkley
    We are all just trying to do the best we can and thankfully on this forum we totally understand. Some days we cope magnificently and on other days it feels impossible. My husband and I have cared for his mum with a brain tumour following surgery for lung cancer and his dad with heart failure and at the same time caring for my mum, blind and with Alzheimer's. MIL and FIL both escaped their suffering within 18 months. Unfortunately Alzheimer's has a different agenda and many years later continues to deprive my mum of any connection with the real world yet replaces it with fear and torment.
    Just to add the psychiatric consultant refused to prescribe any medication to enable mum to sleep due to a falls risk! I think that's a risk worth taking to enable a few hours of rest and escape from torment.
     
  10. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    87
    Yes I was willing to try any drug at one point, just to try and calm mum down a bit when she went completely out of control. One antipsychotic drug that had lots of side effects just made her very dopey and sleepy, another one made her worse. We settled on mirtazapine in the end, but she was virtually bed ridden by this stage.
     

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