Hi, it seems the only time i ever post on here is when I am at my wits end. But today beats any other day I have had. I look after my husband's great uncle 2 days a week Mon - Tues. Today he has been in a fowl mood I mean first he was angry becuz he wanted to go to shops to get a paper well I finally went to get him a paper after he cursed at me and said it is like a prison here. I got him a paper and brought it back he threw it aside and didnt want it. Then I fixed him lunch he didnt want it either. Instead he went in the kitchen and tore open a box of cereal, found some chocolate etc. Then he kept losing his note (tells him where he is, when he will be going home etc.) he asks every minute if he doesnt have it. So I looked the entire house over for it and he had it hidden in his jacket pocket. So I said keep it out okay? So You dont lose it. He got really angry and slammed it down and cursed at me again (the f word constantly) and said he was leaving. I got up to tell him to calm down and sit down he pushed me to get around me and pushed my dog, and then reached down picked up the dog food and threw it in the trash! It ended up in a huge argument. SO I called my mom in law who he lives with and said you need to come and get him he is in a really fowl mood today. She wanted to talk to him... she told him to say sorry (which wouldnt make a difference) and said he could stay here until my hubby gets home at 4. I said he can't because yesterday he smacked my son in the back of the head, and he was about to do it again as I was talking to my mom in law. Her daughter got on the phone said I upset my mom in law she is under enough stress she said and that now she was gonna have to take her out to cheer her up and then they hung up and now they wont answer their phones or anything. I have been sobbing since. Not necessarily because the great uncle acted up as he is ill... but the family just expect me to take care of it and even though I am being paid for it mondays and tuesdays if he is being violent or aggressive they need to come and help but they didnt. I tried to tell my family they abandoned me and he said he was sure it was a misunderstanding. I just feel so alone and can't stop sobbing. Someone please tell me if I am going crazy????
Nobody to talk to...
- Thread starter Jodilynn0303
- Start date
Dear Jodi,Jodilynn0303 said:
I don`t think you are going crazy, but I think you are severely stressed. Whether you are being paid or not, I think this great uncle of your husband needs more than you can give him. Whatever you try to do does not seem to be enough.
I find it worrying that he`s using his physical strength against you and your son, and even the dog. This is not a good environment for your son to be in and I would consider very carefully whether or not you should be prepared to continue with the arrangement.
Please try to have a good talk with your husband and see if you can agree to try to find alternative day care for his great uncle. He is too much for you to handle.
Take care xx
Dear Jodilynn,
I feel so sorry for you that this has been left to you to deal with. When it comes to aggression that is to me that you desperately need extra support. The family should help more. It does not matter that you are being paid for a couple of days care but you and your son need protecting. Have you got a Alzheimer's Branch near you ? Can you talk to his Social Worker? I have just come back from seeing my husband who is in a care home and he is 62 and when I arrived the amount of violence other patients and the staff were enduring was unbelieveable. My heart goes out to you but you must remember your son, yourself and you husband. The terrrible illness does not just affect the patient but the whole family and unfortunately, quite a few families leave it and bury their heads in the sand. i should know my husband's family have never once phoned, been to see him and I get angry, resentful, you name it I have felt it. My family have always been there for support, especially for 4 children with their step-dad. T.P. is to me such a support and it seems to be open 24/7. There is always some lovely person you can let of steam to. We all belong it seems to one big supportive family. We all understand. Take Care. God Bless. Christine
p.s. Please keep us updated.
I feel so sorry for you that this has been left to you to deal with. When it comes to aggression that is to me that you desperately need extra support. The family should help more. It does not matter that you are being paid for a couple of days care but you and your son need protecting. Have you got a Alzheimer's Branch near you ? Can you talk to his Social Worker? I have just come back from seeing my husband who is in a care home and he is 62 and when I arrived the amount of violence other patients and the staff were enduring was unbelieveable. My heart goes out to you but you must remember your son, yourself and you husband. The terrrible illness does not just affect the patient but the whole family and unfortunately, quite a few families leave it and bury their heads in the sand. i should know my husband's family have never once phoned, been to see him and I get angry, resentful, you name it I have felt it. My family have always been there for support, especially for 4 children with their step-dad. T.P. is to me such a support and it seems to be open 24/7. There is always some lovely person you can let of steam to. We all belong it seems to one big supportive family. We all understand. Take Care. God Bless. Christine
p.s. Please keep us updated.
Thanks so much for the support. It is difficult becasue I feel like I am stuck looking after him because otherwise he will go into a home. I am the only one in the family that is able to because my son is small and I am a stay at home mom. I take that back... my husband's sister is off on maternity leave and her hubby doesn't work at all but they won't have the uncle at theirs to watch because of his ways. So it falls on me. I am the one with a bad conscience however, and feel that I dont want him to go into a home just because I cannot cope. So I just feel stressed out and torn about it. My hubby came home today from work to take the uncle away and give me a break. But my hubby now has to make up 2 hours of work tomorrow all because my in-laws decided to not help me out. My hubby called them to see where they were and they were at Bingo! They left me sobbing and having a panic attack to go and play bingo???? I am so hurt. SO so hurt. My dad always told me when you don't know what to do don't do anything and the answer will come... I hope it does. And soon.
Thanks again for all the support x
Thanks again for all the support x
Jodi,
Since you are being paid for the care, you may want to consider giving it up altogether. Definitely speak to your husband and see if other arrangements can be made.
It is the disease and not the great uncle speaking but that still can be very upsetting. I am most concerned with the fact that he struck your son. Does this not concern your MIL and SIL?
Can I ask why the family expects you to take care of him? If it is only because you are being paid to, then quitting is an option.
As far as the handling of your great uncle, there is a technique someone referred to that requires responding to a question with another question. It does sound a bit difficult but anything is worth a try. You noted that at first he was angry because he wanted a paper till
Why finally? Would it be possible to have a paper ready for him? Then it would be "Here's your paper, Uncle" and he may appreciate it.
About the note, there should be multiple, multiple copies so you can keep replacing it as required.
I would not recommend using this approach as it doesn't work for him. I suspect he sees it as a personal affront & so responds so badly. Also, telling him to keep something out so he won't lose it won't work because he'll forget. The same goes for telling him to calm down and sit down. I know when I'm feeling angry, the words "Calm down" are like a red flag to a bull. Sounds like it may be the same for him.
What's hard to remember is that he is frightened and is trying to cope in the best way he can. For some people, it means aggression, for others clinginess, others again wandering. It's the disease but it's so difficult.
When he gets angry, remove yourself and your son to another room for 5 or 10 minutes, with a suitable excuse (or not). That often helped with my mother, and she was very aggressive and violent, far more than your uncle.
Take care of yourself.
Since you are being paid for the care, you may want to consider giving it up altogether. Definitely speak to your husband and see if other arrangements can be made.
It is the disease and not the great uncle speaking but that still can be very upsetting. I am most concerned with the fact that he struck your son. Does this not concern your MIL and SIL?
Can I ask why the family expects you to take care of him? If it is only because you are being paid to, then quitting is an option.
As far as the handling of your great uncle, there is a technique someone referred to that requires responding to a question with another question. It does sound a bit difficult but anything is worth a try. You noted that at first he was angry because he wanted a paper till
Why finally? Would it be possible to have a paper ready for him? Then it would be "Here's your paper, Uncle" and he may appreciate it.
About the note, there should be multiple, multiple copies so you can keep replacing it as required.
I would not recommend using this approach as it doesn't work for him. I suspect he sees it as a personal affront & so responds so badly. Also, telling him to keep something out so he won't lose it won't work because he'll forget. The same goes for telling him to calm down and sit down. I know when I'm feeling angry, the words "Calm down" are like a red flag to a bull. Sounds like it may be the same for him.
What's hard to remember is that he is frightened and is trying to cope in the best way he can. For some people, it means aggression, for others clinginess, others again wandering. It's the disease but it's so difficult.
When he gets angry, remove yourself and your son to another room for 5 or 10 minutes, with a suitable excuse (or not). That often helped with my mother, and she was very aggressive and violent, far more than your uncle.
Take care of yourself.
Dear Jodilynn
I am a little minx when it comes to certain injustices. BINGO! I would be in the same state as you. Beinging a "stay at home Mum" is a very important job. That alone is 24/7 . I had 4 children and I did not work. It was a struggle but when the children grew up, I thought I can return to work. But I was registered disabled not allowed to work. So along came the grandchildren and I looked after them. I was in my glory. Remarried to my soul-mate and for 12 years I had never been so happy. Then 4 years ago at 58 Peter was diagnoised with A.D. and in May they put him in a EMI section of the Care Home. My world fell apart but I still have my children and grandchildren. If you where a daughter of mine I would tell them to go out with the little one for the day and have a FUN DAY. Good Luck and I hope you sincerely get some support. God Bless. Christine
I am a little minx when it comes to certain injustices. BINGO! I would be in the same state as you. Beinging a "stay at home Mum" is a very important job. That alone is 24/7 . I had 4 children and I did not work. It was a struggle but when the children grew up, I thought I can return to work. But I was registered disabled not allowed to work. So along came the grandchildren and I looked after them. I was in my glory. Remarried to my soul-mate and for 12 years I had never been so happy. Then 4 years ago at 58 Peter was diagnoised with A.D. and in May they put him in a EMI section of the Care Home. My world fell apart but I still have my children and grandchildren. If you where a daughter of mine I would tell them to go out with the little one for the day and have a FUN DAY. Good Luck and I hope you sincerely get some support. God Bless. Christine
Dear Jodilynn,
Bless you, what a horrible day you have had.
Its only my opinion, but violence is violence, and yes it’s the AD, but that doesn’t alter the fact one iota.
A shove today, could turn into something more nasty next time. To hit your son is not acceptable, neither is it to abuse your dog.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and his family. No amount of money can be worth this amount of stress and danger you are in.
I also appreciate you want to keep Uncle out of a Nursing Home, but this is not your responsibility, or for that matter your guilt, this is squarely on the shoulders of his next of kin, which is not you.
It appears because you are being paid by the family they feel it’s is acceptable for you to be treated this way, and swan off to Bingo. It quite frankly beggars belief.
I certainly hope you manage to get this sorted, I would refuse to look after Uncle tomorrow, leave it up to the family.
Very best wishes, and please let us know how you are.
Love
Cate
Bless you, what a horrible day you have had.
Its only my opinion, but violence is violence, and yes it’s the AD, but that doesn’t alter the fact one iota.
A shove today, could turn into something more nasty next time. To hit your son is not acceptable, neither is it to abuse your dog.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and his family. No amount of money can be worth this amount of stress and danger you are in.
I also appreciate you want to keep Uncle out of a Nursing Home, but this is not your responsibility, or for that matter your guilt, this is squarely on the shoulders of his next of kin, which is not you.
It appears because you are being paid by the family they feel it’s is acceptable for you to be treated this way, and swan off to Bingo. It quite frankly beggars belief.
I certainly hope you manage to get this sorted, I would refuse to look after Uncle tomorrow, leave it up to the family.
Very best wishes, and please let us know how you are.
Love
Cate
Hi Jodilynn, I agree with Cate. You should certainly not be caring for this gentleman while you have a child at home. No-one should have to put up with this abuse, or put a child at risk.
Please pluck up courage to tell the family that you can't do it any more. However much they are paying you, it's not worth sacrificing your own health or your son's welfare. Surely your husband can see that?
If the gentleman has to go into a NH, that's not your fault, it's the family's for refusing to support you. You are doing them the favour, not vice versa.
Please do it, before things get any worse.
Love.
Please pluck up courage to tell the family that you can't do it any more. However much they are paying you, it's not worth sacrificing your own health or your son's welfare. Surely your husband can see that?
If the gentleman has to go into a NH, that's not your fault, it's the family's for refusing to support you. You are doing them the favour, not vice versa.
Please do it, before things get any worse.
Love.
I look back at your posting as I thought it was you
I was wondering how it was going with you . as I remembered that you was saying that you was going to go back to USA as your family out they did you go or talk to them about your concerns in what is happening in your life ?shame you feel guilty about standing your ground saying that your not going to look after your great uncle because he keep hitting your son , sound like the family putting you on a right guilt trip
Hiya Jodi,
You are clearly struggling to care for Uncle now, and it is affecting your health, and probably your son as well. You say that MIL is stressed with the caring and that Brother in law and wife, wont have Uncle to stay because of his behaviour.
I think for many dementia sufferers, there comes a time when the right thing and the best thing for them, and other family members is that they move into residential care. So often carers try to keep a person at home, as you are, but they forget their own welfare and the welfare of others that they love.
Maybe it is the right thing now, that the family begin to look at possible alternatives to Uncle being at home, or at least for your welfare, the possibility that alternative arrangements are made on a Monday and Tuesday.
Jodi do not feel guilty - with dementia you have to be prepared to change care arrangements as the sufferers health changes. Not to respond to the changes in Uncle would be the mistake.
Hope you are feeling better this evening.
Love Helen
You are clearly struggling to care for Uncle now, and it is affecting your health, and probably your son as well. You say that MIL is stressed with the caring and that Brother in law and wife, wont have Uncle to stay because of his behaviour.
I think for many dementia sufferers, there comes a time when the right thing and the best thing for them, and other family members is that they move into residential care. So often carers try to keep a person at home, as you are, but they forget their own welfare and the welfare of others that they love.
Maybe it is the right thing now, that the family begin to look at possible alternatives to Uncle being at home, or at least for your welfare, the possibility that alternative arrangements are made on a Monday and Tuesday.
Jodi do not feel guilty - with dementia you have to be prepared to change care arrangements as the sufferers health changes. Not to respond to the changes in Uncle would be the mistake.
Hope you are feeling better this evening.
Love Helen
Jodi,
I recall your posting back in July and I find it amazing that your still in this situation.
You need to stop this for the sake of your child. Social Services will put your child on the at risk register if you continue to care for this person. The school and playschool will be informed and you will go through hell and back. This forced me to stop caring for my mother and I luckily found her a good home. When kids are involved social services do not muck about. My mother was as placid as a mouse and never showed any signs of violence.
It sounds like he needs more care than you can give him.
I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you. No, your not going crazy but you will be if you don't get this situation sorted out once and for all.
Good Luck
I recall your posting back in July and I find it amazing that your still in this situation.
You need to stop this for the sake of your child. Social Services will put your child on the at risk register if you continue to care for this person. The school and playschool will be informed and you will go through hell and back. This forced me to stop caring for my mother and I luckily found her a good home. When kids are involved social services do not muck about. My mother was as placid as a mouse and never showed any signs of violence.
It sounds like he needs more care than you can give him.
I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you. No, your not going crazy but you will be if you don't get this situation sorted out once and for all.
Good Luck
dear jodie,there are ,as others have posted,"issues" that are unacceptable in your situation.Agreesine behaviour plays a part in AZ/Dementia,not always but sometimes.This aggression you are dealing with is affecting you life and your childs.For your sake and your son's,get the S/W informed and have a reassessment of care needs.I may sound harsh but children are involved.Also,you cannot deal with this alone,with all the will in the world!please take care love elainex
