1. Coffee time

    Coffee time Registered User

    Oct 27, 2015
    9
    I really have no time anymore. Can't believe it really as before there were 24 hours in the day now there seems to be only a few. I wake up in the morning with a list of things to do, washing,ironing,cooking,cleaning. I now can do Mum and Dads within 45 mins but my own seems to have no relevance!
    I make them a cup of tea, Mum has now been registered blind and Dad has dementia. I then clean the kitchen...(sit down and talk to us she says ...yep in a minute!), can't have anyone turning up when it's dirty.
    Moved them nearer to me so that now they're in assisted living. This is hilarious as I thought it was the answer to my prayers. Assisted living is not dementia help, yes they are dementia friendly but the work that carers at dementia homes give and dementia friendly carers (with a badge) give is a thousand years different!
    Right taken them out, had lunch, done some shopping ...I feel like Laurel & Hardy (that's another fine mess) as I chase after Dad who I left on the chair at the back of Sainsbury's and has "gone to look for us".
    By now I should be a size 10 and fit as a fiddle, sat on the sofa knackered and wondering where my day went....
    Oh well just another day in paradise - time for a coffee/etc (Just)
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    When mum moved in with me and I started caring for her I did drop a few sizes with all the running around and no time to sit down and eat. Now after a year of cake in coffee shops and having to sit and eat with mum to stop her giving everything to her dog I am a few sizes up again Actually when the weight dropped off I did feel good, I was able to get into outfits I thought would never see the light of day. Sad but they are all at back of the wardrobe again.
     
  3. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    I completely understand your sentiments! My life has been like yours exactly for about two years and having to fit in a teenager with home schooling due to anxiety caused by the situation! I ended up with a speeding ticket as I was running late and thought I must get back in time for teacher! I did but at what cost! Three points (I know I should have been doing it) but not enough of me to go round.

    So I stopped and took a step back and told parents who both have dementia but insist they are coping and refuse outside help that I won't be doing as much as I will be ill and I'm afraid my sons exams come first at the moment.

    Sounds easy doesn't it? It isn't, I still have days like yesterday we had hospital appointment at ten got back home at four, where son had been home alone all day. I was shattered, house a mess, always a mess as when I am home too tired to sort it out. Paperwork, mine takes back seat, theirs sorted ASAP when I can. Don't lose weight at all but should do as too tired to eat three meals a day but try not to snack too. I've now started walking my other sons dog everyday which I love as it is great for destressing, but that only lasts til next saga to deal with.

    I'm stubborn and won't give my life over to my parents again, until they accept outside help which I know won't happen. Dad says he's coping but doesn't realise that's because I'm holding him up getting meds etc. so until a crisis happens that's how it will be and then he won't be happy but I can't do anymore.

    Have a cup of tea and put your feet up!
     
  4. Optomistic

    Optomistic Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    116
    Manchester
    Im like this with my husband i get up at 7.30 make his breakfast then wash the pots. Supervise his medication and sometimes have to dress his toe has he gets infections with ingrowing nails. We go out at 9.30 sometimes to bingo or shopping this keeps him stimulated he doesnt like staying in. I make the tea at 5pm then washup, then relax and watch t.v. I sort his medication out again about 9pm.
     
  5. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    297
    North Cornwall
    I was rushing around like this too, but after some good advice from TPers, I have started to find time to chill a bit more through the day. Feel better able to cope and much less anxious. Win win for Dad and for me. Some of those jobs can just wait!
     
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,094
    Yorkshire
    Hi Coffee time
    as you've discovered there are many of us here who are/have been in very similar situations some have been so far as to reach carer breakdown - so this is important!
    I looked after my dad in his home and, If you don't mind, have a few observations on your post.
    Washing + ironing = wash every other day or have as many gaps as you can, especially if you have a dryer. Then don't iron - SERIOUSLY how much difference does it really make - if you can't do none then do the minimum - hang things up either to dry or immediately after. I found most clothes look fine this way.
    cooking = M&S ready meals are nutritious and tasty, other brands are available - nothing wrong with them a couple or more times a week - AND cook in bulk a stew for 2 days, a Bolognese you can freeze in portions
    washing-up = leave each meal's and do all at once
    cleaning = NOT every day - only the essentials - really so what if there's a bit of dust or a few bits on the carpet - no-one else notices (and boy do I recognise the own home syndrome!) - actually get a cleaner to blitz once a fortnight -
    why not? others need to see the reality and it won't be DIRTY just a bit lived-in
    going out = yes I know the worry of boredom - but I also know the stress of getting ready, the journey, the getting to ... the being there (recognise supermarket wandering), the getting back and settling again - so not every day, TV, music, board games ... all OK - so is just sitting quietly
    =
    She is right; please trust me on this. Dad is now in a care home not really able to chat. I don't regret one moment of looking after him, but I am so sad that actually he wanted company, wasn't bothered about a spotless house. Have those conversations NOW that you may wish you'd had when it's too late. Ask about their joys and memories, their past and their hopes for the future, their family members and friendships, their fears and worries - we hardly know our parents as people; now's your chance as adult to adult. Do I remember all the chores; no: I remember sitting with mum over her photo album and listening to dad and his brother laughing over boyhood pranks (my dad saved his brother's life, how wonderful is that).
    Sounds to me that you all need to consider care visits at home - to give your parents someone else to interact with (dad fought against having carers but actually loved having a chat and their attention - and yes sometimes sent them running, but they took the stress from me). And maybe day care - so that they are safe and social. Dad even had a mini-bus pick him up. Again he said he didn't want to go but eventually he was watching out of the window for the bus and big smiles for the carer and driver.
    Sorry, don't mean to preach - but your other replies are along the same lines - especially hvml's who's feeling the benefit. Nice touch of humour - L & H - share more of that with your parents.
     
  7. Coffee time

    Coffee time Registered User

    Oct 27, 2015
    9
    The social worker came today....who is the lady in the kitchen? That's my sister said my Dad!
    Back to the care home. We've called it a hotel...he loves it there!
    I hate this disease.
    I love the help.
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,094
    Yorkshire
    Afternoon Coffee time.
    Your SW is doing well for you:) and your dad:D
    After your last post, I'm not surprised at this, and I'm pleased that you and your mum are getting some time to breathe, and chat?
    Get the coffee pot on, settle into a comfy chair and relax - now is not the time for chores - any choccy biscuits?
     
  9. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    887
    Middle England
    I struggle to find time - in spite of the fact that I have so much on my hands! Mum wants me to sit with her all the time. Not at all happy when I have to stray away from her to complete all those mundane tasks that need to be done. I have just, 10 minutes ago honestly, said "I'm off to sort xxx out" and left her in her sitting room across the hall whilst I catch up with hubby and go find daughter in her room on her i-pod. Already I can her mum crossing the hall to find me.
    It is so very very hard living cheek by jowl like this.
    My days often drag but the months (and years) are speeding past so fast.
    It must be so much worse for my mum but she doesn't remember so what does that prove?
    I do utterly understand your sitation.
     
  10. Coffee time

    Coffee time Registered User

    Oct 27, 2015
    9
    The respite dilemma

    Well Dad's in respite for a week, and Mum's now getting a decent nights sleep. I asked them if they have any problems with his sleep, and they say no. However they have planned events throughout the day, so they're tired when they go to bed. I've suggested to Mum that he goes to a daycare centre which will then give him something to do....sitting there, might be good for her cos she's shattered, but no use for him cos he's now on shifts! I've also said that if he got dropped off at 5pm, it might help him with the 'going out to work' syndrome and might make it slightly easier.
    I did visit him every other day when he was in last time, but this time I've not been yet, I feel really guilty, can't be helped...just hope he doesn't forget me.
    Mum had her hair done yesterday and spent a couple of hours on herself, I mentioned that she looked better when Dad wasn't there, and she replied that it's the relief of not looking after him.
    He tells her the time every 5 minutes and always wants to make a drink, makes me more determined to get him out, to save her sanity.Its an all consuming condition, they need the help but you can't help.
    Wonder if there's a reason why I mutter on to "the A team" :confused:
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,094
    Yorkshire
    Hi Coffee Time, so pleased the respite is giving you all the break you badly need.
    I say all because it's interesting that you dad is sleeping well, according to the care home. So actually he is relaxed and accepting of being there. Really good sign.
    Your mother has said
    so she is realising that she feels the benefit.
    Maybe you can gently build on this with your mother to help her appreciate that your dad being in the care home is doing good for them both. It's so hard to let go of hands on caring and move on to showing how much you care by visiting. Maybe you are all coming to agree that it is time, now.
    That's not to say that you should visit at the moment - no guilt, please; you need to have this space to breathe, I'm glad you know that.
    You are being an amazing help to them both :)
     

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