We appear to be at the point where mum is too frail and ridden with dementia to take on any more chemo for her Myeloma that is showing signs of returning. Whilst I am relieved that they will not be suggesting more treatment I am also feeling guilty as I hinted that I did not think it was appropriate. I know that they would treat her regardless of what I had said and the home has also said they feel further treatment would not be in her best interest but this feeling of guilt - for wanting her not to go on much longer, for this all to be over is really hard to ignore. Do I wish it for her or for me?
Its been such a long journey to get to where we are today but still, it is a surprise how frail she is, how unlike herself she is, how sad she is, how cruel this all is. I know every minute of life is precious so why do I wish hers away? The Altzheimers is now advanced but she is still alive.
When my dad died of dementia I felt we lost him long before he physically died and was then shocked at how 'final' it is when the body dies too. I know this is coming again - I am wishing her gone and then will feel bad about that.
I can only get down to see her once a month which makes it worse as I feel I have abandoned her - I did feel slightly better at the last visit as she really had no recollection of me being there but I still feel guilty for not being there whether she knows it or not.
It's just all so sad.
Its been such a long journey to get to where we are today but still, it is a surprise how frail she is, how unlike herself she is, how sad she is, how cruel this all is. I know every minute of life is precious so why do I wish hers away? The Altzheimers is now advanced but she is still alive.
When my dad died of dementia I felt we lost him long before he physically died and was then shocked at how 'final' it is when the body dies too. I know this is coming again - I am wishing her gone and then will feel bad about that.
I can only get down to see her once a month which makes it worse as I feel I have abandoned her - I did feel slightly better at the last visit as she really had no recollection of me being there but I still feel guilty for not being there whether she knows it or not.
It's just all so sad.