No more tears........

[Saffronlizzy]

Mum passed away on Friday- in hospital after a heart attack in her Care home. Family were with her tho' not sure she knew it. I'd had a good visit the day before wrapping presents for her grandchildren and I am thankful that she died while (mostly!) still knowing who I was.
I havent cried yet....... feel guilty that I only feel relieved that her suffering - and ours- is finally over.....maybe it will hit me in unexpected moments or after the funeral. To be honest we've been mourning the loss of mum for last few years and Ive cried so many tears on many occasions after care home visits I wonder if I'm all cried out ?
Thankyou friends for your support over our time with dementia. I didn't often contribute but found info and comfort in your words x

 

[Lawson58]

Mum passed away on Friday- in hospital after a heart attack in her Care home. Family were with her tho' not sure she knew it. I'd had a good visit the day before wrapping presents for her grandchildren and I am thankful that she died while (mostly!) still knowing who I was.
I havent cried yet....... feel guilty that I only feel relieved that her suffering - and ours- is finally over.....maybe it will hit me in unexpected moments or after the funeral. To be honest we've been mourning the loss of mum for last few years and Ive cried so many tears on many occasions after care home visits I wonder if I'm all cried out ?
Thankyou friends for your support over our time with dementia. I didn't often contribute but found info and comfort in your words x

My sincere condolences on your loss.

My children have just lost their dad after a very difficult and painful illness. They were just so relieved that he didn't have to suffer any more, that he didn't have to struggle for days or weeks. So I think what you are feeling is very normal.

The funeral marked a turning point for them. There were tears and the wake to get through but people were very kind and thoughtful. And today has been the start of moving forward for them.

Just let your emotions happen as they will when you stop long enough to let them in. There is no guilt in feeling relief that suffering is at an end. Certainly, she had no quality of life and that I know you would not wish on her again.

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m sure tears will come when you’re ready. There’s no timescale to grief. Wishing you strength.

 

[Grannie G]

feel guilty that I only feel relieved that her suffering - and ours- is finally over.

Please don`t feel guilty. Your mum is at peace now and I hope you will be able to find peace too.

 

[Woo2]

I’m sorry to hear about your mum , you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting your loved one peace . Tears will come, probably at the most unexpected time . Take care .

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Saffronlizzy, my condolences on your Mum's passing. My own experience was similar when Mum passed away 'suddenly', almost a year ago in a Care Home after a long dementia journey. I didn't cry at that time or at the funeral although I felt quite numb and shell-shocked and her passing affected me quite acutely. Dementia is often referred to as the Long Goodbye as we shed many tears during it's progression, and as a consequence passing can be an extremely confusing time, for the reason that you mention - there often is sadness and relief, but the latter brings more guilt (as if there isn't enough through the whole decision making process during the illness). Everyone grieves in their own way, and just because you haven't cried it doesn't mean the loss of Mum is not as profound, that simply isn't the case. Take your own time and don't feel pressured by your own expectations. I ended up going for bereavement counselling a few months later which actually helped me a lot (I could never have envisaged that!). I think the forum may help too. I wish you all the best, I appreciate what it is like at this time of year too. Take care of yourself.

 

[Marcelle123]

Mum passed away on Friday- in hospital after a heart attack in her Care home. Family were with her tho' not sure she knew it. I'd had a good visit the day before wrapping presents for her grandchildren and I am thankful that she died while (mostly!) still knowing who I was.
I havent cried yet....... feel guilty that I only feel relieved that her suffering - and ours- is finally over.....maybe it will hit me in unexpected moments or after the funeral. To be honest we've been mourning the loss of mum for last few years and Ive cried so many tears on many occasions after care home visits I wonder if I'm all cried out ?
Thankyou friends for your support over our time with dementia. I didn't often contribute but found info and comfort in your words x

I am so sorry to hear of your loss - but glad that family members were with your Mum and that she recognised you to the last.

It is a huge blow, and strikes too deep for tears. Be kind to yourself, and rest where you can, as all the organisation and the funeral is so draining.

Two years on from my mother's death, and I still haven't cried - only ever been 'on the point of tears' - but I miss her so much, and feel so sad remembering the past.

May your mother rest in peace, and I wish all the best for you & your family. xx

 

[Moggymad]

Adding my condolences too @Saffronlizzy. There are so many different ways grief shows itself & not necessarily in the order you would expect. So much to do that feelings get pushed aside a bit. I'm glad you had a good day beforehand wrapping presents. This is a happy memory to hold onto x

 

[LynneMcV]

My condolences on your loss @Saffronlizzy.

Please don't feel guilty, many on here will have experienced the same thoughts, emotions and reactions as you are now going through. Grief works its way through us in its own time and it is different for each individual.

When my husband died I felt numb for quite a while, and I buried myself in all the official paperwork as well as the planning of the funeral - which keeps us busy for a while.

Looking back, I think I had built an imaginary wall around myself to keep my emotions in check (for the most part) during the caring years, just to be able to get through what needed to be done day to day. That barrier stayed in place for a while, save for a few chinks here and there where I could cry a little at a time - but it did gradually come down, and is still being dismantled bit by bit some 18 months on.

We do get there in the end, in our own time.

Thinking of you and your family as you start to move forward through good days as bad.

 

[Avis]

Mum passed away on Friday- in hospital after a heart attack in her Care home. Family were with her tho' not sure she knew it. I'd had a good visit the day before wrapping presents for her grandchildren and I am thankful that she died while (mostly!) still knowing who I was.
I havent cried yet....... feel guilty that I only feel relieved that her suffering - and ours- is finally over.....maybe it will hit me in unexpected moments or after the funeral. To be honest we've been mourning the loss of mum for last few years and Ive cried so many tears on many occasions after care home visits I wonder if I'm all cried out ?
Thankyou friends for your support over our time with dementia. I didn't often contribute but found info and comfort in your words x

I have not long joined but like you find comfort from the experience of the people who contribute. I am sorry to hear of your loss but now you can draw breath and focus on your own life. Wishing you a peaceful, healthy and love filled future

 

[RosettaT]

Please don't feel guilty. My dad died of a ruptured colon as he had bowel cancer but dispite being in hospitalised 5 times with pains in his abdomen it was undiagnosed. My mum died of breast cancer, diagnosed only 28 days before hand and she had dementia for 20 yrs. Both were a relief, they no longer had to suffer either with pain or mental anguish.
Obviously I miss them as I know you will miss your mum, be kind to yourself, it's still very early days.

(((hugs)))

 

[Bunpoots]

@Saffronlizzy I'm sorry to read of your mum’s passing. I lost my dad in similar circumstances this time last year. It was a shock as it was unexpected and I felt numb for a long time after. I can’t remember if I cried, for me tears came at his funeral. But I do remember being relieved that he no longer had to suffer...or was it that we didn’t have to watch him decline.
I think, as @Pete1 says it is a long goodbye and we have done a lot of our grieving along the way.

My overwhelming memory of the time is of a feeling or surreality.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

This could be me - I lost my mum at the end of October after 3 years in a care home. It was a relief for everyone - mum was never a 'happy' dementia sufferer... I am finding it hard to get myself back on track but it is happening, bit by bit. When the black cloud of dementia is gone from your life it makes a huge difference. It's almost like the loss of mum and her dementia are two separate things. We weren't close but I do miss her and very much regret what she had to go through in the last years of her life. But I'm not in the least bit sorry to see dementia go - no more agonising visits to the care home, no more having to complain about care, no more hospitals/doctors, no more social workers and their dratted paperwork. No more of mum's accusations, paranoia, repeated conversations, bizarre confabulations and delusions, the anger and the nastiness. No, I won't miss that at all.

I am tentatively looking forward to Christmas...

 

[millalm]

@Saffronlizzy I'm so sorry to read of your Mum's passing. Many of us here say we wish that our beloved PWD would just quietly pass so that they (and we) would be free of the ravages of this vicious disease but I'm sure the reality of it happening so suddenly would leave us all in the state of shock you are experiencing. I hope you are able to hang onto the thought that your last visit was such a lovely one, and more importantly, that she passed before she lost her memory of you and her family all together. The tears will come in their own time. Wishing you strength for the coming days.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My condolences to you and your family. I'm glad that your mother's passing was peaceful and that you had a good visit with her the day before. The tears may or may not come, most likely will when you are ready for them.

 

[Jale]

So sorry for your loss of your Mum, the tears will come, probably when you least expect it. Take care x

 

[Kikki21]

@Saffronlizzy so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I found that I was tremendously busy doing all the official paperwork before the funeral, organising the funeral so basically I dug deep & went into autopilot.
I’ve not cried that much myself but I do miss my mum & this is the first Xmas without her which will feel very strange. Christmas revolved around my mum & her demands it seems when she was home.
At least as many have said, she is now free of the horrible nature of dementia & of course we also don’t wish the end to come ASAP - we would love a normal few months, weeks or days without the PWD displaying those awful dementia symptoms but it sounds like your mum had a lovely day with you wrapping up presents & hopefully she enjoyed herself - sending you big hugs xx

 

[shaktibhakti]

Sorry for your loss...what apin we have to go through with this disease but i guess its how they leave this mortal coil...............heart wrenching watching them deteriorate for me.....Im now thinking i wish shed gone quick like my father......i cry every day nearly....last week.....my emotions were too much and I had to get homopathy...heartbreaking watching my mother and shes lost weight....sometimes i have to leave her room when im there as dont want to let her see im upset...had to take her from a carehome where care was very good and she was loved into another straight from hospital as needed oxygen recently....i feel with 39rooms its too big & she hasnt left her room since being there...upsetting. you know im wondering if i made the right decision......phew heavy load

 

[Dimpsy]

With sympathy on the passing of your mum, she is resting in peace now and I hope you will find peace of mind knowing you and your family did your best for her.

 

[Gillywilly]

So sorry to hear that you’re mum has passed. But I felt the same way on the 25th August when my mum too passed I felt relief that her suffering was over don’t feel guilty you have done your best. I have had problems crying for my mother but it will come like yourself we have been grieving for who mum was over the past couple of years I think that’s why we feel relieved when they pass. Again so sorry for your loss.