No idea when I'll stop feeling like this

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Effy, Jul 27, 2015.

  1. Effy

    Effy Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015
    Northern Ireland
    This is my first post on this or any other website for that matter!
    My darling dad passed away on 31st March this year. He had been diagnosed with vascular dementia after a series of small strokes.
    At the time of his diagnosis I had only a very vague idea of what that would mean for his and our future and, maybe stupidly, I avoided any sources of information such as this forum as I was terrified by what I may read. I am still not sure if that was a wise decision on my part, but it is done now.
    Dad was eventually sectioned into a dementia ward and whilst the care provided was very good, he was initially very unhappy on the ward, spent his time attempting to get out of the ward and then had a fall whilst trying to climb out of the window in his room. He broke a bone in this fall and from then on went down hill so rapidly it was only a couple of months until his passing.
    Watching his decline was heartbreaking. My dad and I were so very close, I was always a daddy's girl and feel like I'm living in a kind of half world without him. I keep hoping this awful feeling of dislocation from the rest of the world will lift in the way that a fog clears, but there seems to be no sign of that happening. I also can't seem to remember my dad before he was ill in hospital;I have these horrible images of him as he was in the wheel chair. He had been such an active, capable, clever man and what this disease did to him was so diminishing and cruel.
    I am glad I have found this forum, despite the tears I keep shedding when I read other people's stories. I have no idea if it helps to know others feel the same heartache, but perhaps it will, so it's worth trying.
  2. dede5177

    dede5177 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2015
    Hi I would like to send you hugs and good wishes my dad died over 10years ago now and that fog took over 12months to lift i believe you are sufferring from grief and with it guilt please look back through your photo albums and videos and try talking about him before the illness its amazing what it can do for you if you look back at a happy time and cant really recall it i always put it down to grief depression please take care and be kind to yourself.
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Hello Effy,

    I'm so very sorry to be welcoming you to this Forum at such a sad time at your life. Life must feel very dark for you at the moment; however, although your Dad has now passed I hope you will receive help here with your feelings regarding his death from such a horrible illness.

    People act differently when Dementia is mentioned so there is no need to feel guilty about not finding out all you could when your Dad was alive- who's to say you are wrong anyway? You just dealt with the diagnosis in the best way YOU could.

    The thing is with this Forum there is always someone online who has a pretty good idea of what the person posting is going through. Sometimes opinions differ but there will always be someone who will 'listen' and respond.

    So I hope you won't be a stranger here.

    Take good care of yourself and stay in touch if you can


    Lyn T XX
  4. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    My dad died a horrible death from dementia in March as well. I still cry at some point most days. To try and forget the horrific image I had of him in those last few weeks I have put up pictures of him how I want to remember him, with a huge belly and laughing his head off.
    I have taken pictures of them on my iPhone and iPad so I can look at them whenever. I also have one on the fridge. It is helping to replace the horrible images with the happy ones.
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Hello Effie, i too was very close to my dad, who was a very special man. He got lung cancer and i watched him slwly fade away over a 12 month period. The last 2 weeks were so terrible that i had flash backs and nightmares. A friend gave me the greatest piece if advice. She told me to find a photo of Dad when he was happy and well. I looked at and spoke to this photo every day. The flashbacks stopped after about 3 months. Now when i think of him i see that picture in my mind. Your Dad has shaoed who you are to your very core. That can never be lost. I hope you get your happy picture in your mind soon. Grief is avlong hard road. It took me about 18 months before i felt i was living again, not just surviving. Be kind to yourself and remember. Your dad would want you to enjoy the rest of your life. In fact he would be angry if you didnt. Litd of love and strength to you. Keep posting as we are all here listening and waiting to offer a friendly shoulder.
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Hi, I'm sorry you lost your Dad.
    It's 25 years since my Dad died, not of Dementia but of Cancer. I still miss him.
    It's 5 months since my Mum died. Her death was kindly labelled " Frailty of Old Age".....aka Dementia. I don't miss her nearly as much.

    I was 37 when I lost Dad, 62 when Mum went. Dad had been ill for about a month with his final disease......Mum had had Dementia ( with and without diagnosis) for about 10 years.

    What I'm trying to say is that Dementia causes grief. Death causes grief, Cancer causes grief....... whatever the cause of death, the level of grief felt varies with each of us.
    There is no finite time for grieving, but one day you realise that you haven't cried today. One day you'll know that smiling doesn't hurt, and that memories can make you laugh and not cry.

    Don't try to rush it, don't hide your tears, but don't forget to smile too.....

    There must have been rain to make a rainbow.
  7. Effy

    Effy Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015
    Northern Ireland
    Thank you to you all for taking the time to read and reply to my post, especially when you have had your own experience of the torture of watching a loved one decline. I'm definitely going to look for pictures of my dad as he was and try to remove the images of illness from my mind.
    Thank you again xxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

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