No funeral for wife

Pheasant

New member
Apr 2, 2020
4
0
My mum died last week and we can not have a funeral due to my dad being in lockdown. He has mild dementia symptoms, mainly muddled. He is very upset about not having a funeral for her. Does anyone have experience of ways we can commemorate mums life in the absence of a funeral?
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello and welcome @Pheasant. I hope you find the forum a supportive place.

That is sad news and may I express my condolences. In my region(NI) people in this position are giving their details to the local BBC News so that their loved one doesn't become just another statistic.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello and a warm welcome to DTP
such a sad time for your family, my condolences on losing your mum

I appreciate there are restrictions at the moment, maybe your family could plan a memorial service or get together for the future ...
I'm thinking too of creating an album of pictures of your mum's life, maybe with stories from family and friends to go with the pictures ... making a collection of her favourite songs, poems, readings from books she loved ... possibly drawing out a family tree with photos of the folk on it ...
given the post is still being delivered, might you find a slim notebook, cover it in a collage of pictures that link to your mum's life, not precious photos, then ask your dad to write a few words on the opening page and send the notebook around family and friends asking them to add words or pictures about his wife, whatever they feel is fitting ... maybe include a list of names and addresses (be careful about the order, maybe alphabetical?) or sticky address labels so folk know who to pass the book onto or ask each to return to you or your dad first (then maybe copy the pages just in case it goes astray)
 
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Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
When my mother-in-law died in 2018, family members didn't have a funeral we had a direct cremation, with no service, no mourners. At a later date, we had a family wake, no outsiders, at our home. Everyone brought photos and memories of my mother-in-law. We had food from Waitrose entertaining which was pre ordered. The afternoon went well and it was much better and cheaper than a funeral for just a few mourners
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,958
0
Memorial Service, held when and where all can attend.
All I can suggest.

Bod
 

Pheasant

New member
Apr 2, 2020
4
0
Hello and welcome @Pheasant. I hope you find the forum a supportive place.

That is sad news and may I express my condolences. In my region(NI) people in this position are giving their details to the local BBC News so that their loved one doesn't become just another statistic.
Thank you, that’s really helpful, I didn’t know about this
 

Pheasant

New member
Apr 2, 2020
4
0
When my mother-in-law died in 2018, family members didn't have a funeral we had a direct cremation, with no service, no mourners. At a later date, we had a family wake, no outsiders, at our home. Everyone brought photos and memories of my mother-in-law. We had food from Waitrose entertaining which was pre ordered. The afternoon went well and it was much better and cheaper than a funeral for just a few mourners
Thank you, that’s a good idea and less confusing for dad than a large gathering
 

Pheasant

New member
Apr 2, 2020
4
0
hello and a warm welcome to DTP
such a sad time for your family, my condolences on losing your mum

I appreciate there are restrictions at the moment, maybe your family could plan a memorial service or get together for the future ...
I'm thinking too of creating an album of pictures of your mum's life, maybe with stories from family and friends to go with the pictures ... making a collection of her favourite songs, poems, readings from books she loved ... possibly drawing out a family tree with photos of the folk on it ...
given the post is still being delivered, might you find a slim notebook, cover it in a collage of pictures that link to your mum's life, not precious photos, then ask your dad to write a few words on the opening page and send the notebook around family and friends asking them to add words or pictures about his wife, whatever they feel is fitting ... maybe include a list of names and addresses (be careful about the order, maybe alphabetical?) or sticky address labels so folk know who to pass the book onto or ask each to return to you or your dad first (then maybe copy the pages just in case it goes astray)
Thank you, that’s really got me thinking, very creative way of celebrating mums life in this current climate
 

alang

Registered User
Jul 31, 2017
59
0
Leicestershire
I've been giving mum's funeral a lot of thought lately. She's in the later stages of Alzheimer's &, whilst stable & comfortable, realistically this is going to be sooner rather than later. Spending quiet time over Christmas I've asked myself what I want to do. Mum's never had a huge circle of friends & although there's one brother & a few in-laws left they're only in touch in a 'Christmas & birthday card' sort of way. I'd already decided it will be a simple affair - no ''bun fight'' afterwards & I've now come to the conclusion that any service is only going to be for their benefit, not mum's & certainly not mine. Quite the opposite in fact, it would cause me more stress than enough, listening to the usual, slightly hypocritical, 'what a wonderful woman she was & how much she'll be missed' line of chat. Well, I already know those things & it's only really myself to whom it applies, I'm an only child & my dad passed away several years ago. So when the time comes I think I'll be opting for a direct cremation. I've had doubts of course as I feel that perhaps I should be present to see her to her final destination, but then of course it's won't actually be mum, will it. Whatever made her who she was will have departed. Playing her favourite music & saying nice words, - well, I can do that without an audience of people who wouldn't know whether any of it was significant or not. I'm by nature a solitary person & quite happy to be such, 'family' presence would be of no comfort, more a bloody nuisance with the endless phone calls wanting details of the arrangements etc. The only person who was a support to me after mum's diagnosis, my aunt, has since passed away.
Coming to this conclusion is actually a huge weight off my shoulders. Of course there's even the 'get out' of the option to hold an informal memorial at a later date. Not that I expect that to materialise. And family can always donate to a charity in her memory if they choose. Alzheimer's research would be a good one.
 

Platinum

Registered User
Nov 7, 2017
85
0
South east
I've been giving mum's funeral a lot of thought lately. She's in the later stages of Alzheimer's &, whilst stable & comfortable, realistically this is going to be sooner rather than later. Spending quiet time over Christmas I've asked myself what I want to do. Mum's never had a huge circle of friends & although there's one brother & a few in-laws left they're only in touch in a 'Christmas & birthday card' sort of way. I'd already decided it will be a simple affair - no ''bun fight'' afterwards & I've now come to the conclusion that any service is only going to be for their benefit, not mum's & certainly not mine. Quite the opposite in fact, it would cause me more stress than enough, listening to the usual, slightly hypocritical, 'what a wonderful woman she was & how much she'll be missed' line of chat. Well, I already know those things & it's only really myself to whom it applies, I'm an only child & my dad passed away several years ago. So when the time comes I think I'll be opting for a direct cremation. I've had doubts of course as I feel that perhaps I should be present to see her to her final destination, but then of course it's won't actually be mum, will it. Whatever made her who she was will have departed. Playing her favourite music & saying nice words, - well, I can do that without an audience of people who wouldn't know whether any of it was significant or not. I'm by nature a solitary person & quite happy to be such, 'family' presence would be of no comfort, more a bloody nuisance with the endless phone calls wanting details of the arrangements etc. The only person who was a support to me after mum's diagnosis, my aunt, has since passed away.
Coming to this conclusion is actually a huge weight off my shoulders. Of course there's even the 'get out' of the option to hold an informal memorial at a later date. Not that I expect that to materialise. And family can always donate to a charity in her memory if they choose. Alzheimer's research would be a good one.
I am in almost the same position as you. My OH has been unwell for some time and is now considered end of life In his NH. He comes from a large RC family and his immediate surviving siblings have shown very little interest and can go weeks without contacting me even if I have updated them on his deterioration. I feel it has always been just me and him but felt I had to tell them yesterday of his end of life status. I’m now receiving rather disingenuous reasons for them not keeping in touch. To be honest I would prefer his RC funeral mass to be just him, me and the priest followed by a cremation and burial of ashes in a place where I will be the only one to visit. Achieving this may be difficult but I wonder if anyone else has done this. I ask myself if I am being selfish and come up with a different answer every time….
 

alang

Registered User
Jul 31, 2017
59
0
Leicestershire
I am in almost the same position as you. My OH has been unwell for some time and is now considered end of life In his NH. He comes from a large RC family and his immediate surviving siblings have shown very little interest and can go weeks without contacting me even if I have updated them on his deterioration. I feel it has always been just me and him but felt I had to tell them yesterday of his end of life status. I’m now receiving rather disingenuous reasons for them not keeping in touch. To be honest I would prefer his RC funeral mass to be just him, me and the priest followed by a cremation and burial of ashes in a place where I will be the only one to visit. Achieving this may be difficult but I wonder if anyone else has done this. I ask myself if I am being selfish and come up with a different answer every time….
Yes, I've asked myself the selfishness question too & the answer is probably ''yes''. However that neither bothers me unduly nor will it surprise anyone. It's not that I wish to exclude others, more that I don't really want to have the social interaction of it all. And then if it were possible would I really attend alone? I think technically it is possible to do this. The direct cremation people offer an 'intimate funeral' where up to 12 people can attend for a short time to remember the deceased quietly, there's no service as such. But I suspect this would pose complications ''Yes, there's room for a few of you but please don't come''! And then what if someone does turn up? Or ''Sort out among yourselves which are the 11 lucky winners''! It could end up like a Carry On film. Then again, would I really want to do it completely alone - and I've no close friends to accompany me. So, am I being cowardly & hoping to just brush mum under the carpet, so to speak? It's a thought but likely one that mum would expect, had she still got her faculties. I imagine that all of this might be harder to achieve with a church service however. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, just do what seems right for you as it sounds as though, like myself, the arrangements will fall to you solely. And if that sounds selfish to the family then they perhaps ought to ask themselves why.
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
I had a private funeral and cremation for my husband. It was attended by our son daughter in law and grandchildren and some of the care staff who had looked after him so well during his final years.

It was what he would have wanted.

There is too much pressure on the bereaved to give the dead a `good send off `.

Big funerals are fine for those who need them. We should all be able to decide for ourselves without having to feel we have to justify.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
I had a private funeral and cremation for my husband. It was attended by our son daughter in law and grandchildren and some of the care staff who had looked after him so well during his final years.

It was what he would have wanted.

There is too much pressure on the bereaved to give the dead a `good send off `.

Big funerals are fine for those who need them. We should all be able to decide for ourselves without having to feel we have to justify.
Granny g you are so wise. By the time my husband had died I was completely broken and exhausted beyond measure. Yes, folks expected a funeral but I could not do it. My son and I scattered some of his hair I had cut to put in a locket. We scattered it in his favourite meadiow and I read a poem I had written. Son and I both broke down and sobbed.
It was all I had left in me to give.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,131
0
Southampton
my husband doesnt want a funeral service as he says he doesnt want people to cry over him. he is having a cremation without service or mourners. they will bring the ashes to me and he wants me to scatter his ashes in devon where he was born and grew up. we are thinking of a meal to celebrate his life.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,015
0
The other thing about a funeral for a person who has had dementia for several years is that (at least in my case) I felt a certain amount of negativity towards my mother’s friends who I felt had rather abandoned her after she developed AD. None of her friends visited her during the 4 years she was in the care home, and they stopped visiting when she was still living at home (with oa couple of honourable exceptions). Although I was pleased that they turned up to the funeral because my mother would have been upset if she had had practically nobody there (we are a very small family) I did have to restrain myself from saying something about how disappointing it was that they had stopped visiting her. Another thing was knowing who to contact. I just had to go through my mother’s address book (which had not been updated for years) and ring people I did not know on spec. I think that things are different if there is a surviving resident partner or family carer. Visiting is likely to go on longer and at least you are not ringing a number which is not recognised or to be told that so-and-so has died. Many people with dementia live for years with the disease and friends stop seeing them and just forget about them.
 

alang

Registered User
Jul 31, 2017
59
0
Leicestershire
When my mum first showed signs of Alzheimer's I suggested she came to live near to me, perhaps in sheltered accommodation - we were about 15 miles apart. However she feared that friends - a couple who she was never apart from - wouldn't come to see her any more. The rather brusque wife had commented ''You needn't think we'll be traipsing over there''. When her dementia made it harder for her to be on her own she eventually did move to a flat round the corner to me & it was true, the friends only visited once. She moved to a care home a year later, where she's had a happier time & enjoyed the company of other residents. So I tend to feel the same as you, VioletJane, why should I worry what others think to mum's funeral arrangements. Even family haven't bothered to visit, although in fairness they hardly ever did when she lived in the same town. Actually I'd like to be a fly on the wall when I inevitably have to pass on the news ''.....Well, wouldn't you have thought.....?''!
 

Platinum

Registered User
Nov 7, 2017
85
0
South east
I had a private funeral and cremation for my husband. It was attended by our son daughter in law and grandchildren and some of the care staff who had looked after him so well during his final years.

It was what he would have wanted.

There is too much pressure on the bereaved to give the dead a `good send off `.

Big funerals are fine for those who need them. We should all be able to decide for ourselves without having to feel we have to justify.
Many have said you are very wise and I so completely agree. I posted about my other half being end of life and how I would like to deal with his funeral. He is now laid to rest. His death was quick and I was with him; it was harrowing. You have posted elsewhere how visiting your husband in a care home was like living a double life. My whole life revolved around visiting and I saw him every morning, but the rest of the time was my own. I am conflicted with my memories because, for him his death was quick, but his deterioration which was marked, was in my view due to lack of support by the medical profession. I fought his corner every step of the way and insisted on blood tests in September which showed a severe anaemia. He was having unobserved falls and eventually needed hoisting which he hated because for him every time was the first time. He required an X-ray after a fall and the hospital kept him for six days, despite the X-ray showing no abnormality; they saw his blood tests results. Hospitalisation caused a marked deterioration but I was able to take him for much needed dental attention two weeks later In a wheelchair taxi. I was concerned he was not getting optimal treatment and had to insist the GP visited him. I am not ashamed to say I threatened to report him. I also asked him if he was treating a bit of paper or a human being. He finally attended 10 days before his death for the first time in over two years. I probably need to let it all go but it is on my mind constantly, perhaps it is part of the grieving process. He never had Covid but I know it played a big part in his care, especially during those periods when I could not visit. We were not married but had been together for a long long time and I held both powers of attorney. I am also his sole executor. The fact we were not married seems to make a difference to some advice I get, as though I can now get on with my own life, without turning a hair, when what I feel is a physical pain for his passing.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Please accept my condolences @Platinum

You struggled to get the best care for your partner and was fortunate to be with him when he died. My husband waited for our son and I to go home for a bath and change of clothes before he died. I was OK with it because I`ve heard it happen so many times.

Allow your pain. It will eas in time.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
1,283
0
I didn't even leave the room when my Dad died. I had sat with him for hours, talking, holding his hand etc. The nurse in charge came in to speak to me, I went to the door with her and when I sat back down Dad had gone.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
1,103
0
Sadly my dad died totally alone in his room at the CH. I suppose at least they were totally honest when I asked if anyone had been with him. They said they had been checking in on dad and when they went back into him a few minutes later he had gone. I had seen dad around 4.5 hours before he passed that day but because he had a covid positive test I was only able to stay with him for 10 minutes. My dad only had 5 people attend his funeral which I had arranged two of which I hadn't even wanted there which they and my sister knew. they weren't family but an old neighbour that had suddenly started calling in on dad around a year or so before he died. This person had a argument with me in my dads house cajoled by my sister shouting at me the daughter she took to dads funeral hadn't even seen my dad in years. Dads service was held outside but I was unable to attend because I caught covid from him and was still in hospital recovering. My dad was buried with my mum which is what they always wanted so I try to think now that was the most important thing that day.
 
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