Oh that is sooo true.I once. heard a psychologist describe a marriage has having 3 legs. -
- the emotional relationship - love, affection and family
- the physical relationship - hugs, kisses and those familiar touches as well as sex
- the academic - sharing the “stuff” of life, shared interests, conversation, enjoying going out or staying in
If one of those legs is removed the other two can just about hold it up but if two legs go there is very little left. B**** disease
That is so true.I once. heard a psychologist describe a marriage has having 3 legs. -
- the emotional relationship - love, affection and family
- the physical relationship - hugs, kisses and those familiar touches as well as sex
- the academic - sharing the “stuff” of life, shared interests, conversation, enjoying going out or staying in
If one of those legs is removed the other two can just about hold it up but if two legs go there is very little left. B**** disease
This is it, this is it in a nutshell - it is like sitting next to a stranger on the underground.that "loneliness" is much like the moment you stand amidst the bustling life of a major city with all the ongoing activities and the normality of daily life happening all about you, and yet you cannot engage, because the loved one you cared for is no longer there, no longer a part of your physical and mental norm of daily life
Yes, all three have now gone.I once. heard a psychologist describe a marriage has having 3 legs. -
- the emotional relationship - love, affection and family
- the physical relationship - hugs, kisses and those familiar touches as well as sex
- the academic - sharing the “stuff” of life, shared interests, conversation, enjoying going out or staying in
If one of those legs is removed the other two can just about hold it up but if two legs go there is very little left. B**** disease
We naturally apply a " norm" of reaction and response to anyone we encounter. This is of course much more significant in a spouse or someone very close to us. Thus we recognise all the traits of indifference, stubbornness, accord, mutual understanding, humour, sadness- the list goes on. But dementia appears to create a new " norm" in which the logic of response and familiar behaviour becomes something very different. For us, a muddle and a frustrating one at that, because our " norm" no longer seems to be in tune with the loved one we have known so very well. That alienation however is seemingly the actual "norm" of the loved one. And in extremus of such, you confront the scenario of a loved one gazing into a plate of chicken and insisting to the point of increasing anger, that it is in fact fish! Or insisting that one is not yet dressed...despite being fully clothed? Each of these experienced conundrums was frequent and taxing - until l understood the credo NEVER ARGUE WITH DEMENTIA! The new " norm " inhabiting the loved one is as real to them as is the hand on their wrist, no matter how much you challenge them, that remains set in stone. But not always. Therein lies the true challenge. In ascertaining by each moment, where the new "norm" presents and the actual loved one "returns" even for an instant and you cherish that moment with a vengeance. The brain is extraordinarily complex and remarkable beyond words. Dementia in all its varied forms plays havoc with this wonderful creation and the expression is manifested in our having to bear the consequences of such in our loved ones. Our loved ones of course, bear much more in a kind of isolation, of which we continue to strive to understand as best we can. But there remains something else. Something l have seen directly and which is not fiction nor wishful thinking. That is the unfathomable power of the human spirit. The joy which shines out of weary and frail eyes at the touch of a hand.... the sudden resurgence of life in a disabled body at the sound of a familiar song.... the heart-warming sight of a group of people in the throes of late stage Alzheimer's clapping hands and being "happy" in the moment despite everything. More profound experiences l will refrain from citing here. But at the end of the day, we as human beings have the capacity to engage in a way not given to probably any other form of life on this planet. Thus any life, is precious, if not sacred. This dementia journey sheds the veil of the trivial and the mundane certainly, but above all, it informs us of our humanity and our vulnerability in a way which can only enhance what it truly means to be human and what it means to be alive.....and to know that love conquers all.
Thank you for this reminder @Hazara8. My partner has been really grumpy and miserable this evening, he wants to get a job and is angry with me because I won't help him find one - I just reached out and held his hand and he smiled at me. It really doesn't take much effort to spread a little joy but we carers are just so bogged down with the day to day stresses, exhaustion, frustration, etc that I guess we forget or haven't the energy - or we're just plain resentful of everything we have to do for them at the expense of our own lives.The joy which shines out of weary and frail eyes at the touch of a hand.... the sudden resurgence of life in a disabled body at the sound of a familiar song.... the heart-warming sight of a group of people in the throes of late stage Alzheimer's clapping hands and being "happy" in the moment despite everything.
I feel so lonely @canary in a different way because he’s quite demanding and as long as I don’t ask him to do anything((“ There are things I have to ask him to do”))or I react quickly to anything he asks for we have a quieter life as he doesn’t get frustrated and then agitated and angry.... @White Rose I agree with you perhaps we are just too ....... exhausted with the never ending grind of this vile illness that sometimes I think is dragging me along the same road as my OH.Hello @Yunosida , yes, I think its the hardest symptom
I have found, though, from this thread that I am not alone with it and neither are you
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I understand entirely. This is not at all easy because it requires a mind set which verges on a kind of "detachment " - but if you can treat the expressions of dementia in a loved one, as t'were from a stranger and NOT as from the one you know so very well, in effect not to take the flack personally but treat it like that sudden burst of rainfall just when you have put the washing out - as an irritant which belongs to something outside the fundamental I.e. the actual person. This is not a walk in the park at any level, but when we know who our loved one truly is and that grumpiness or aggression is that disruptive rainfall, then it might be slightly easier to cope. Every case is different and some find smoother pathways just by sheer luck of situation and the nature of this disease. But we are only human and not superhuman. Physical exhaustion alone can become simply unacceptable. Mental exhaustion and despair will take its toll. Denial is foolhardy as are pat solutions or trite advice. But if we can recognise what constitutes the " dementia person" as opposed to the REAL person, then we can treat the former not with contempt, but with awareness and as the imposter it is. And when you take hold of a hand, even without a word being spoken, that connection is a mutual confirmation of just what we are in essence. Hold onto that and something happens which goes beyond dementia with all of its destructive arsenal. And it is never cause for guilt when you take care of yourself, because in so doing you are then able to continue to care for the loved one in question.Thank you for this reminder @Hazara8. My partner has been really grumpy and miserable this evening, he wants to get a job and is angry with me because I won't help him find one - I just reached out and held his hand and he smiled at me. It really doesn't take much effort to spread a little joy but we carers are just so bogged down with the day to day stresses, exhaustion, frustration, etc that I guess we forget or haven't the energy - or we're just plain resentful of everything we have to do for them at the expense of our own lives.
I had that until fairly recently, but now there isnt even that. Its lonely either way.I feel so lonely @canary in a different way because he’s quite demanding and as long as I don’t ask him to do anything((“ There are things I have to ask him to do”))or I react quickly to anything he asks for we have a quieter life as he doesn’t get frustrated and then agitated and angry....
From one quiet house to another @canary ((((((((here’s a hug )))))) .I had that until fairly recently, but now there isnt even that. Its lonely either way.