Hi there,
I have already written this post once and sent it but it disappeared. I am using a different computer as mine has died, so perhaps that is why.
I would have liked to have posted this in my Mum's and My Journey (don't know exact title as I can't find it anymore). But desperation makes one post anyway.
I am not in good shape at all. No sleep at all two nights ago, don't know about last night, but I feel so so so tired.
My best beloved and I visited a care home about 8 mins drive from here. It wasn't inspiring or reassuring. People (staff) seemed kind and relaxed. But the lock down floor had about 6 people in the TV room, all with their backs to it and in various states of sleep/comatose. This stage seems easier for me to stomach as the person is but a shell.
The second floor is where my Mum would go. There are three converging corridors, all look very similar, and all painted the same colour. So I am sure Mum would have huge difficulties finding her room (a criteria for staying on the open floor and not being put in lock down). Also to get up and down to other areas there is a lift. I do not believe Mum will be able to understand and operate a lift. So again I am concerned.
It seems as if I am damned whatever I do.
A care home is just what Mum would dislike. It is a care home. And she will fight that tooth and nail.
However I know I cannot manage the dementia aspect for much longer here at home. I really like old people, and even have run courses in film-making for the over 80s. I could interact with the inhabitants of the care home, but I find it very difficult to face Mum and her behavior.
Today I am keeping out of her way.
Yesterday she had a very lucid flash (I may write another post about that), but it was like having Mum back. She was so loving, she said she needed to go into care because we should be free. I managed to meditate after that, something I used to do regular as clockwork until about January.
Yesterday after her loving and candid discussion with me, I meditated so deeply. It was not to last (the good phase, not the meditation). I then observed a strange phenomenon.
A nasty feeling just under my ribs returned. I suppose I have this on an ongoing basis so had become immune. But it left me for that glorious window of lucidity, and so I noticed its return.
It is this feeling/sensation that prevents me from meditating. I think it is a physical alarm bell in the pit of my stomach. Drawing my attention to the fact that all is not well.
The problem is I cannot make things well.
If I put Mum in care, she won't find it acceptable and will never forgive me.
If I don't put her into care, I will break.
It is a very frightening impasse.
I am crying all the time.
This is way worse than her death.
I am in dispair.
A live in carer (Aussie) arrives sometime mid-|August.
Will this ease my inability to be around Mum's dementia?
I am at the end of what I can cope with, yet I see no dawn in sight.
BE
I have already written this post once and sent it but it disappeared. I am using a different computer as mine has died, so perhaps that is why.
I would have liked to have posted this in my Mum's and My Journey (don't know exact title as I can't find it anymore). But desperation makes one post anyway.
I am not in good shape at all. No sleep at all two nights ago, don't know about last night, but I feel so so so tired.
My best beloved and I visited a care home about 8 mins drive from here. It wasn't inspiring or reassuring. People (staff) seemed kind and relaxed. But the lock down floor had about 6 people in the TV room, all with their backs to it and in various states of sleep/comatose. This stage seems easier for me to stomach as the person is but a shell.
The second floor is where my Mum would go. There are three converging corridors, all look very similar, and all painted the same colour. So I am sure Mum would have huge difficulties finding her room (a criteria for staying on the open floor and not being put in lock down). Also to get up and down to other areas there is a lift. I do not believe Mum will be able to understand and operate a lift. So again I am concerned.
It seems as if I am damned whatever I do.
A care home is just what Mum would dislike. It is a care home. And she will fight that tooth and nail.
However I know I cannot manage the dementia aspect for much longer here at home. I really like old people, and even have run courses in film-making for the over 80s. I could interact with the inhabitants of the care home, but I find it very difficult to face Mum and her behavior.
Today I am keeping out of her way.
Yesterday she had a very lucid flash (I may write another post about that), but it was like having Mum back. She was so loving, she said she needed to go into care because we should be free. I managed to meditate after that, something I used to do regular as clockwork until about January.
Yesterday after her loving and candid discussion with me, I meditated so deeply. It was not to last (the good phase, not the meditation). I then observed a strange phenomenon.
A nasty feeling just under my ribs returned. I suppose I have this on an ongoing basis so had become immune. But it left me for that glorious window of lucidity, and so I noticed its return.
It is this feeling/sensation that prevents me from meditating. I think it is a physical alarm bell in the pit of my stomach. Drawing my attention to the fact that all is not well.
The problem is I cannot make things well.
If I put Mum in care, she won't find it acceptable and will never forgive me.
If I don't put her into care, I will break.
It is a very frightening impasse.
I am crying all the time.
This is way worse than her death.
I am in dispair.
A live in carer (Aussie) arrives sometime mid-|August.
Will this ease my inability to be around Mum's dementia?
I am at the end of what I can cope with, yet I see no dawn in sight.
BE