It's early days for the new drug - often these things can take a few weeks before a pattern is established. Ditto any side-effects - these can also be temporary so if possible, give it a little time.
But your mum has reached carer breakdown, now, hasn't she? The fact she cried at the thought of not coming to see you, be with you and get help with your dad says a lot. I think she's pretty desperate now, probably more than she will actually admit to, so that's the next thing to be addressed. Can you get your father into respite care for a couple of weeks, to give her a proper break and allow you all to discuss what happens next? You know that a care home is on the horizon but that isn't a bad thing! People with dementia often need 24/7 care as things progress and a care home can provide that. Your mum can't. If your dad moved to a home, your mum could go back to being his wife when she visits rather than a stressed, exhausted carer. Her health and quality of life are just as important as your father's.
Thanks
@Jaded'n'faded, your advice is appreciated.
Good news and bad news. Dad had great nights sleep on Saturday night so they hopped on the coach and headed 300 miles down, stopping in a hotel about half an hour away from us (they were on a 5 day coach trip). Sadly Sunday night Dad was wakeful even after his Mirtazapine and Lorezapam but we ( one of my sisters lives near me) spent the day with them on Monday and had a lovely time, planning to catch up with them for dinner every night of their stay. But at 1am on Tuesday morning we had the hotel on the phone that my dad had pulled the room apart and my mum was in reception, quite shaken. The hotel night staff were amazing and when we got there my dad was calm and had helped the lady put the bedding back on the beds. I went in with him while my other sister and my mum stayed in another room for the night.
My dad wasn't aware that he had reacted with my mum like that (I don't know what the trigger was as she had only asked him if he wanted to get into his pjs), he thought it was someone from the hotel. He was quite awake so I sat with him on the bed, stroking his arm then gradually tried different things - got him to get in his pjs, went and sat on the other bed, lowered his pillows, made him some decaf tea, turned off the main lights, did lots of yawning! Eventually got him to sleep at 3am and waited until 4.30am for the first toilet stop. He got cramp at 5am then was sound asleep till 6.30am. My mum and sister came down then we packed them up and I drove them home yesterday. We now know that his days of over night stays away from home are over as he is too agitated and confused.
My other sister, who lives locally to them, is away until Friday so at the minimum I'm here till Saturday as I'm not leaving mum alone. Dad slept a good amount in the car back, mum did too, much needed. We had dinner then went for a little walk only for my dad to have a melt down when we got home. It was our fault, he put the key somewhere unknown when we returned and the resulting key searching activity agitated him to the point where he was off out the house to go and see the neighbours with the only spare key! The neighbours are great and very supportive. He was mortified when he got back into the house not knowing why he behaved like that and wanted to apologise to the neighbour - which he did today. But after calming down, supper, Mirtazapine and Lorezapam and 40 minutes of James Galway later he was yawning, in bed and (other than a trip to the loo) was asleep till 7am. More importantly so were we!!
Today, he's been hard work. But from the point of duracell bunny energy and not one nap! We got him yawning early evening doing crosswords but after returning to him from a 15-minute walk with mum for some fresh air, he was obsessed about returning to his old family farm in Ireland tomorrow. He's had his Mirtazapine and Lorezapam and was still wired, even after another 40-mins of James Galway!! Mum's got him into bed and I'm waiting up till I can hear him sleeping (very thin walls!). Even if he is asleep, I have a feeling it will be the theme of the day tomorrow.
I contacted a private carer company regarding waking carers, while we were waiting on the last GP review. I asked mum on Monday, if she had a decent nights sleep could she cope with the day stuff or had she had enough, she said she could. But we know that this is a situation for regular if sometimes daily reviews, I try and research as much as I can but mum can be reluctant at the start to implement or follow up anything I suggest, so things can get very delayed. I know she won't go for respite care, even at this point.
@Jaded'n'faded I know what you say is true, that a care home is on the cards at some point, perhaps sooner than we like. But also like you said, we'd really like to try to give the meds a chance to bed in and keep him in his safe space for them to do this, at least for a while longer. The private carers business website said it can take some time to set up so I'm trying to encourage mum to start the process sooner rather than later. But I know Dad will be furious when he finds out, then she'll have the guilt of having to deal with that.
I don't know how she does it. She's an active 80 and I'm an active 50 but already knackered, if only from the stress of the last 48 hours. I used to think I was quite good in a crisis but this disease is another beast entirely! Professionally I've experience with difficult situations and characters but there's no training or manual for this, no reasoning or rationalising or time to be complacent - blimey I thought the perimenopause was bad enough.....
Apologies. I'm typing this whilst waiting till I hear them sleeping. I know this is a page of ramblings, just need to get it out. Famous last words but all has been quiet for an hour.... off to bed