Next crisis... what to do?

[Linbrusco]

Yes me again. I am in such a muddle and 50 million questions every day.

My Mum 72 with mid/moderate stage of AD told my sister when she called, that she can't take much more of Dad. He shouts at her and calls her names. This part is true.
He always has to a degree, but is getting worse with age.
But she's also scared he might hit her. This part I'm unsure of.
Last year after he had a stint in hospital for an acute bladder infection, when discharged Dad really lost his rag with Mum over something minor and sort of scuffed her about the ear.
For this he got an almighty telling off from me and i have spoken to our family GP about him.
I also don't know how much Mum might be exaggerating just a little, as she makes out that this is a daily occurence. I see Mum every day and know by her body language and manner if something is up.
Sometimes she will say " I'm not talking to your dad he called me a name"

I might add that this week Mum has been on anti B's for a suspected bladder infection.
Enough to show on a dipstick test, but caught so early that the actual urine test came back fine. Mum has a high white cell blood count due to Leukemia, so always shows a higher than normal count in her urine.

Dad cannot handle Mums loss of memory, repeating herself and although I am Mums main carer he is with her otherwise 24/7.
They do both go to their own club each 2x a week.... and I don't think organising extra respite is the answer here

My parents live in their own house on the back of our property.
Neither my sister or I have room for Mum in our own homes. Being out of her home and surroundings adds to her confusion.
Mum has a medical alarm if required, and I'm sure if at worst she would come over and see me if any major issues with Dad.

We have not long had a definitive diagnosis of AD for Mum, and I am meant to call the AD Society to arrange a home visit.
They will talk to Mum and Dad, and us as a family.
Personally I don't think anything said to Dad would make a jot of difference.
It seems sad that Mum who in all other respects copes with washing, dressing, no incontinence, still does housework... no cooking though would be forced into Residential care because of Dads temper and inability to cope

what to do?

 

[Butter]

I am sorry for you all. It is really difficult for everybody. As far as your parents are concerned, it is so difficult to untangle what is

1) their relationship
2) their increasing ages
3) dementia
4) the increasing burden of the whole situation

They are stuggling on. If I were you (I am not) I would talk to your dad about what he can and cannot manage. Maybe he can go away more? Maybe he can leave your mum more at home and get himself some space by being off on breaks?

I am sure he does get angry with her - I have tried to learn to be an automaton of patience with my husband. It is not possible for me. I get really angry and leave.

So maybe you can help him achieve a better situation for them both?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Linbrusco

One of the most difficult things for me to hear was my husband saying he was frightened of me.

Something I have always been grateful for is dementia affecting my husband, rather than me.

It is not because I`m particularly selfish , but because I know he wouldn`t have had half the patience I have, which is required from carers.
And even though I credit myself with patience, I shudder at the mistakes I made, especially those which caused the above comment from my husband.

Your father is way out of his comfort zone and sadly, so is your mother.

Please contact the AD society as soon as possible to arrange a home visit and see what they can suggest and offer.

 

[Noorza]

The people who are there the most get the most amount of false accusations made against them it seems. I recommend reading the thread. "Carers are "Criminals"" as most of us have been accused of all kinds of heinous crimes.

The person with AD believes the accusations a their "new reality" so will be extremely convincing as they are convinced themselves it's true.

The worst part as has been said by others on here is that if relations who don't have AD will take the lies as truth, those relationships can be damaged forever. This means now that one sister and one brother are permanently cut out of my life. Be very very careful in what you believe to be true and try to fact find as best as you can in the only advice I can give.

Plus as has been said get the assessment done. Of course you have to look out for your mum and if there is abuse you'll have to deal with it but be sure first.

 

[steffie60]

With your Mum being 72 I guess your Dad is not much older. I am guessing that in part he is cross that life has dealt such a blow and is perhaps a little frightened about what is to come. The visit from the Alzheimer's Society may be able to help a bit with some of these difficulties but just as a suggestion - I wonder if your Dad could get back into a routine of being out more, much as he would have been whilst working. Is he fit enough to do gardening this may be a help to you as they live at the back of your property. If not then more day care outings could be the answer for your Dad so that he is tired when he gets back home and your Mum will have had a peaceful day. Giving them more separate time will be more like the routine of their adult lives and may alleviate some of the frustrations.

Hope this is helpful and hope you do not have to wait long for your visit from the AS.

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi,
You never know what goes on unfortunately. My mum has dementia and she used to always hit my dad. However, he would wind her up and argue with her instead of recognising the cues and change the subject or distract her in some way. She used to think he was a burglar coming in and drinking tea and eating her food. Instead of having his tea and snack out of her sight he insisted on sitting in HIS chair right next to her. This made things so much worse. I went round once and he was shaking his fist in her face calling her a stupid simpleton. Of course, he was provoked but his reaction was totally out of order.

Dad was unable to care for mum - he didn't get it and it was beyond him. Unfortunately, it meant she had to go into care much sooner than if he had been better able to manage. That, unfortunately, was the way it was.

Hopefully, things will get resolved for you but I know how much of a worry it must be.
All the best
BG

 

[Mamsgirl]

Such a difficult situation! No advice but hoping the AD association helps and sending you hugs and support from across the Tasman, Toni x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Lin, a sad and difficult situation. Sometimes people simply can't cope with the changes they see in their partner, and they also harbour anger and resentment at the loss of what they expected life to be at this stage. This anger then manifests itself in outbursts or an inability to engage and react appropriately when things are challenging.

I wonder if you could either get your dad to visit with you a little more often to get him away from the situation, and help him keep his stress levels down? Failing that, could your mum pop over to your place each day instead, just to give them both a bit of a breather?

It seems quite unfair that your mum be put into care so early as you say, since she seems to be able to do so much still. I know Mum would find it more difficult to work around Dad's quirks because she was with him all day and night, but I could cope better and get around the problem. Dad was also far more receptive to me than Mum, I was his daughter not his wife and to him that made him better able to cooperate because he had a soft spot for me. That's why it may be good if your mum could call if there's something that needs defusing and you could perhaps help your dad with some coping strategies and better ways to handle your mum's problems.

I hope you can get the advice and help soon from the AS.

Stephanie, xxx