Hope the test results come back in a satisfactory time frame . Good luck , we will be thinking of you . Please do let us know how it goes . Take care
News at last
- Thread starter Wildflowerlady
- Start date
Mum's care home labels stuff for you, which saved me a lot of time. They do charge and arm and a leg though so i just see it as part of the service. Stuff still goes missing, sometimes because it ends up in other residents rooms, sometimes because it falls apart in the wash. When I could visit I usually spent some time sorting out the stuff in mum's room that wasn't hers, but in the end it's no big deal if she does end up in someone else's clothes.
Glad it's all going ahead and the home sounds fine. Good luck for tomorrow,
Glad it's all going ahead and the home sounds fine. Good luck for tomorrow,
So my dad was admitted into the CH on Monday I took him as I expected to but I feel utterly devastated by the trauma of it am crying so much, feeling bad, struggling to eat. I feel I have betrayed dad as I was the one that was open about my feelings to ASC and everyone involved regarding dads care needs and what I felt he needed. It was so much harder than I expected I was going from thinking it was best for dad and he needed this to wanting to just bring him home and look after him at any cost to my own wellbeing. I feel so selfish that I couldn't think more about the implications for dads mental health as he's now been ripped away from his home and the very little comfort he had left, his occasional memories of his life with mum in that house and the comfort of sister and I not that he always wanted it. I feel bad that I couldn't work with sister for us to find a solution some other solution to prevent dad from having to go into a CH. I did ask sister if she wanted to come to the CH as well but she declined. Sister decided to tell dad after his breakfast that his GP had requested he go somewhere just for a short while to protect him from virus that everyone his age had to so they could be safe so I had to go along with what she had said.
I went to put dads shoes on and he called me a stupid cow and was difficult getting his shoes on so I just slightly laughed and said well your feisty today dad. I don't necessarily think dad was difficult getting shoes on because of what he had been told he most likely would have been like it anyway. Dad started saying why are you two doing this to me your sending me to an asylum we said we were not he was going to be taken care of and looked after somewhere nice just for a little while. Dad said are you sending me to the crocodiles are you throwing me to crocodiles (dad has mentioned crocodiles) before. Sister got dads jacket on and we went to my car once dad was in the front seat with seat belt on she asked me to close the door and when I got in driving seat she smiled at dad and poked her tongue out and dad did same. Dad started to get anxious on journey and said he was having a heart attack I said for him to be calm and he would be fine he repeated it saying he had had a heart attack already this morning. I parked car at CH and dad refused to get out leaning towards my now empty driver seat saying NO when I asked him to get out the car saying GP had arranged this for him he said NO take me home. I felt terrible and thought shall I take him home and try again later but in the end I said to dad I was getting cold and he needed to come out of the car and if he didn't I would have to get someone to come and help me. I do feel dreadful about it now feeling I have really made my dad do something against his will which is the worse thing to do to anyone. Dad got out in the end so I was able to walk him towards the entrance by which time someone from the CH was just being put into a ambulance. Two nurses came back into the CH reception and started to chat with dad whilst I handed the 'This is me' information notes to the receptionist who quickly picked up dad had been in navy so said something about that to dad. The two nurses said to dad would he like to come for some lunch he said he wasn't hungry so they said you must like cake and he could have a tea, hot chocolate or coffee. Dad seemed to relax a little bit and I could see his eyebrows going up and down and his eyes starting to pop wide open so I could tell he was about to go in his' Funny Face' mode. The nurses started to edge dad forward a bit and he complied one then said are you going to give your daughter a hug seeing I was starting to tear up but was trying hard not to. Dads back was now facing me he said a firm NO so nurse said Oh give your daughter a hug I would like to give her a hug but I'm not allowed to. Dad turned round and he gave me a really tight hug and almost tried to lift me so I said you are so strong dad your really squeezing me. I had to avoid looking at dads face because the tears were now starting to flow and I really didn't want him to see me upset I was struggling to open my mouth and speak. Dad let go of me and then walked through the double doors with the two nurses I couldn't look him in the face when he let me go so never saw his face again. Receptionist wiped a tear away as it upset her a bit too. I asked about visits and she said to call them on the 2nd December assuring me she would get me a visit booked I suppose that is all assuming it is actually possible she said I could call them anytime. I went back to my car and got the suitcase and a bag that had odd bits in like dads slippers he had been wearing in morning which I didn't get to label but there was a labelled pair in the suitcase as well. I realised at this point that I hadn't picked up dads cd player but receptionist said I could drop off whenever I wanted so I said I would bring it back later in the afternoon as dad likes to listen to a cd at bedtime although is just the first track or two. Receptionist said I can drop things in anytime and was no need to call them first. I received a call later from nurse on dads floor to ask about dads donepezil being stopped but could only relate what sister had said. Nurse said they had tried to get through to dads GP but she said she would try GP again she also said that next time I come over the manager said she would like some forms signing so to mention at the desk. I picked dads player up forgetting this time the clock in his kitchen that shows day and time
. Dads home felt so empty without him the mark where his head had been on his pillow was still there so I bent down to kiss it it smelt of dad. When I took stuff to the CH the Manager took me into her office she said dad was ok was settling but wanted to stay in his room. I had to sign some forms nothing financial as that is still to be sorted. ASC had said the two weeks initial Respite Care has been approved for funding and dad will make some contribution but we don't know yet how much. The manager appears to be approachable her father had suffered with dementia. Sitting there everything was a bit automated I was going through the motions of practical things which I tend to do holding my emotions back but on getting home again dads face and the way he felt about going into the CH started to haunt me and now I can't stop crying wishing I had brought him home. I am thinking if only we could manage him at home thinking the wrong thing for dad has now been done. CH manager has of course try to reassure CH manager said dad may well thrive in the environment with more company and they do have events to encourage interaction. I had called sister earlier in day once home and was honest about journey and eventually getting dad into the CH. Manager asked about dads catheter as notes they had indicated it hadn't been done since August so they were going to change it but I said no it had been done around three weeks ago but I would definitely check to be sure she also requested I take dads District Nurse file in.
CH manager said next day when I dropped stuff off again dad was still staying in his room as that was where he wanted to be but he was settled it seems that as dads covid test was negative and difficult to isolate on that floor that dad does not need not stay in his room if he doesn't want to. I am a bit surprised dad was not required to be in isolation so I hope dad will be safe there. Manager says staff are tested weekly/twice weekly? and residents were being tested regularly too. I asked her if she thought dad would be able to return home after Respite Care and she said no she said dad had no awareness of danger to himself wasn't that aware of where he was and said no disrespect but he hasn't asked for his daughters. I started to get upset but she said hopefully visits will start next week and said although it seems a long way off by Easter things will be very different we would be able to take dad out for lunch etc etc join them for a coffee etc and be dads daughters again. I suppose she was trying to be as kind as possible I said my sister was still hoping dad could continue with care at home but she shook her head and said I was being more realistic and that dad did need care full time.
I might be realistic but its hurting like hell now and is the most painful thing I've been through since my mum passed. NO actually that's wrong its actually far more painful to have to do this to my dad taking him away from his home without him knowing he will most likely never go back to his home again, no saying goodbye for him to the home he shared with mum for over 40 years his garden, his dog sister takes back round to see him and everything he has, he still has some recognition of a home full of their possessions. I hope dad will forgive us or maybe he won't even think about it in days to come, we fear dad will soon forget us altogether or become really distressed because we are not seeing him. I just hope dad settles well and will accept how things may have to be, its agony now not knowing what he's doing where he's sat what his room is like as cannot go in CH to see anything.
Although this situation is yet to be officially confirmed I can't see the manager being wrong in her assessment of dad. I haven't told sister of some of my conversation with her as I don't feel I can shatter what little hope she may still be holding onto and I am still too distressed myself.
I am missing dad so much already even though I did sometimes not like visiting him as he wasn't always great to spend time with, feel guilty that I took him in so early that day in fact guilty that I didn't spend time with him before dropping him into the CH as was so rushed. So much guilt and pain the realism has now struck home that dad has gone away I just hope I will get time to be his daughter again as its been a while since I really felt that way.
I went to put dads shoes on and he called me a stupid cow and was difficult getting his shoes on so I just slightly laughed and said well your feisty today dad. I don't necessarily think dad was difficult getting shoes on because of what he had been told he most likely would have been like it anyway. Dad started saying why are you two doing this to me your sending me to an asylum we said we were not he was going to be taken care of and looked after somewhere nice just for a little while. Dad said are you sending me to the crocodiles are you throwing me to crocodiles (dad has mentioned crocodiles) before. Sister got dads jacket on and we went to my car once dad was in the front seat with seat belt on she asked me to close the door and when I got in driving seat she smiled at dad and poked her tongue out and dad did same. Dad started to get anxious on journey and said he was having a heart attack I said for him to be calm and he would be fine he repeated it saying he had had a heart attack already this morning. I parked car at CH and dad refused to get out leaning towards my now empty driver seat saying NO when I asked him to get out the car saying GP had arranged this for him he said NO take me home. I felt terrible and thought shall I take him home and try again later but in the end I said to dad I was getting cold and he needed to come out of the car and if he didn't I would have to get someone to come and help me. I do feel dreadful about it now feeling I have really made my dad do something against his will which is the worse thing to do to anyone. Dad got out in the end so I was able to walk him towards the entrance by which time someone from the CH was just being put into a ambulance. Two nurses came back into the CH reception and started to chat with dad whilst I handed the 'This is me' information notes to the receptionist who quickly picked up dad had been in navy so said something about that to dad. The two nurses said to dad would he like to come for some lunch he said he wasn't hungry so they said you must like cake and he could have a tea, hot chocolate or coffee. Dad seemed to relax a little bit and I could see his eyebrows going up and down and his eyes starting to pop wide open so I could tell he was about to go in his' Funny Face' mode. The nurses started to edge dad forward a bit and he complied one then said are you going to give your daughter a hug seeing I was starting to tear up but was trying hard not to. Dads back was now facing me he said a firm NO so nurse said Oh give your daughter a hug I would like to give her a hug but I'm not allowed to. Dad turned round and he gave me a really tight hug and almost tried to lift me so I said you are so strong dad your really squeezing me. I had to avoid looking at dads face because the tears were now starting to flow and I really didn't want him to see me upset I was struggling to open my mouth and speak. Dad let go of me and then walked through the double doors with the two nurses I couldn't look him in the face when he let me go so never saw his face again. Receptionist wiped a tear away as it upset her a bit too. I asked about visits and she said to call them on the 2nd December assuring me she would get me a visit booked I suppose that is all assuming it is actually possible she said I could call them anytime. I went back to my car and got the suitcase and a bag that had odd bits in like dads slippers he had been wearing in morning which I didn't get to label but there was a labelled pair in the suitcase as well. I realised at this point that I hadn't picked up dads cd player but receptionist said I could drop off whenever I wanted so I said I would bring it back later in the afternoon as dad likes to listen to a cd at bedtime although is just the first track or two. Receptionist said I can drop things in anytime and was no need to call them first. I received a call later from nurse on dads floor to ask about dads donepezil being stopped but could only relate what sister had said. Nurse said they had tried to get through to dads GP but she said she would try GP again she also said that next time I come over the manager said she would like some forms signing so to mention at the desk. I picked dads player up forgetting this time the clock in his kitchen that shows day and time
. Dads home felt so empty without him the mark where his head had been on his pillow was still there so I bent down to kiss it it smelt of dad. When I took stuff to the CH the Manager took me into her office she said dad was ok was settling but wanted to stay in his room. I had to sign some forms nothing financial as that is still to be sorted. ASC had said the two weeks initial Respite Care has been approved for funding and dad will make some contribution but we don't know yet how much. The manager appears to be approachable her father had suffered with dementia. Sitting there everything was a bit automated I was going through the motions of practical things which I tend to do holding my emotions back but on getting home again dads face and the way he felt about going into the CH started to haunt me and now I can't stop crying wishing I had brought him home. I am thinking if only we could manage him at home thinking the wrong thing for dad has now been done. CH manager has of course try to reassure CH manager said dad may well thrive in the environment with more company and they do have events to encourage interaction. I had called sister earlier in day once home and was honest about journey and eventually getting dad into the CH. Manager asked about dads catheter as notes they had indicated it hadn't been done since August so they were going to change it but I said no it had been done around three weeks ago but I would definitely check to be sure she also requested I take dads District Nurse file in.CH manager said next day when I dropped stuff off again dad was still staying in his room as that was where he wanted to be but he was settled it seems that as dads covid test was negative and difficult to isolate on that floor that dad does not need not stay in his room if he doesn't want to. I am a bit surprised dad was not required to be in isolation so I hope dad will be safe there. Manager says staff are tested weekly/twice weekly? and residents were being tested regularly too. I asked her if she thought dad would be able to return home after Respite Care and she said no she said dad had no awareness of danger to himself wasn't that aware of where he was and said no disrespect but he hasn't asked for his daughters. I started to get upset but she said hopefully visits will start next week and said although it seems a long way off by Easter things will be very different we would be able to take dad out for lunch etc etc join them for a coffee etc and be dads daughters again. I suppose she was trying to be as kind as possible I said my sister was still hoping dad could continue with care at home but she shook her head and said I was being more realistic and that dad did need care full time.
I might be realistic but its hurting like hell now and is the most painful thing I've been through since my mum passed. NO actually that's wrong its actually far more painful to have to do this to my dad taking him away from his home without him knowing he will most likely never go back to his home again, no saying goodbye for him to the home he shared with mum for over 40 years his garden, his dog sister takes back round to see him and everything he has, he still has some recognition of a home full of their possessions. I hope dad will forgive us or maybe he won't even think about it in days to come, we fear dad will soon forget us altogether or become really distressed because we are not seeing him. I just hope dad settles well and will accept how things may have to be, its agony now not knowing what he's doing where he's sat what his room is like as cannot go in CH to see anything.
Although this situation is yet to be officially confirmed I can't see the manager being wrong in her assessment of dad. I haven't told sister of some of my conversation with her as I don't feel I can shatter what little hope she may still be holding onto and I am still too distressed myself.
I am missing dad so much already even though I did sometimes not like visiting him as he wasn't always great to spend time with, feel guilty that I took him in so early that day in fact guilty that I didn't spend time with him before dropping him into the CH as was so rushed. So much guilt and pain the realism has now struck home that dad has gone away I just hope I will get time to be his daughter again as its been a while since I really felt that way.
Last edited:
A heart felt honest account of what you have been through.
You have done well, dad is safe, he will be well fed and staff will get used to his ways. The manager is right in a few months time when Covid is tamed you will be back to being his daughter.
A task that I have not had to perform but I pray that should I have to; I have the strength to do what you have done.
You have done well, dad is safe, he will be well fed and staff will get used to his ways. The manager is right in a few months time when Covid is tamed you will be back to being his daughter.
A task that I have not had to perform but I pray that should I have to; I have the strength to do what you have done.
Sending you lots of virtual hugs @Wildflowerlady ????It sounds like you did well in front of your dad on the day. A tough day and a tough time now with such tough feelings to deal with which I recognise very well, ? ? ? ? ? You've tried to do the best for your dad even though it hurts and is hard. The CH manager sounds on the ball. I hope you get to visit soon and that your dad settles??
oh wildflowerlady, i feel for you but you have done the right thing. its true it might be where he mixes with others again. grieving the man he was but you will see him again as his daughter. you know you are his daughter and you keep his memory with you. thinking of you. hugs ??
Thank you @annielou I know you have been through so much with your mum and continue to do so, its really tough as I have now discovered thank you for your kindness
@Wildflowerlady
Its so unbearable the pain we carry when we do such a thing. We have to reach into the depths of who we are as a person and also a son/daugher and then reach out to the one person we are trying to help, sadly not in the way we thought we could. I will never forgive myself for havig to take mum to the care home, but if I didn't do it who would? Nobody else had the guts despite all of their advice and noise and my brother who is the elder was the worse when it came to the big crunch. But on the other hand you are lucky to have that privelage to allow your path to depart from your dad and to be brave and embrace it. Yes it is painful and you will feel the tears for sometime yet, but you would not have done this if you had not loved your dad enough to endure what follows.
Its so unbearable the pain we carry when we do such a thing. We have to reach into the depths of who we are as a person and also a son/daugher and then reach out to the one person we are trying to help, sadly not in the way we thought we could. I will never forgive myself for havig to take mum to the care home, but if I didn't do it who would? Nobody else had the guts despite all of their advice and noise and my brother who is the elder was the worse when it came to the big crunch. But on the other hand you are lucky to have that privelage to allow your path to depart from your dad and to be brave and embrace it. Yes it is painful and you will feel the tears for sometime yet, but you would not have done this if you had not loved your dad enough to endure what follows.
Thank you @Starting on a journey my only consolation will be that dad is safe and will get the care he needs I hope to have many more days with dad so I can hug him.
Thank you @Palerider I feared dad being alone so much and his state of mind was getting worse as he was having so many times of anxiety which was beginning to manifest in his behaviour. I was fearful of him wandering although hadn't yet done so. The CH manager said to me how would I feel if dad actually was to leave his home in the middle of the night or fall down his stairs knowing he was getting unstable. I wish things were different that I could protect him more myself. Dad getting 24/7 hopefully means someone can keep a better eye on him for us but the pain and guilt right now is so very painful. I do love dad very much despite how hard life has been since his dementia I just hope he can be kept safe and find some peace in his new surroundings.
I think I can safely say that we are here as you walk this path so just keep posting
I wish I could give you a real hug @Wildflowerlady , not just a virtual one {{{hugs}}}. You have done the best thing for your father even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. @Palerider expresses it so much better than I can, he is totally spot on about the love you have for your dad enabling to do what was in his best interests.
The staff at the home sound excellent, and as the manager says when things get back to normal the staff and the other residents will become like an extended family.
In the meantime maybe look through your previous posts and see, that no matter how much you would have liked to look after your father at home, it was becoming impossible. Not only might he have done harm to himself it sounds that at times he could have done harm to his carers or to you and your sister.
Keep posting, you'll get so much support here.
The staff at the home sound excellent, and as the manager says when things get back to normal the staff and the other residents will become like an extended family.
In the meantime maybe look through your previous posts and see, that no matter how much you would have liked to look after your father at home, it was becoming impossible. Not only might he have done harm to himself it sounds that at times he could have done harm to his carers or to you and your sister.
Keep posting, you'll get so much support here.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Wildflowerlady
It is always hard when someone you love has to move into a care home.
A move into a care home always seems to be accompanied by guilt - its as if we feel that if we love someone enough then we can fix anything and then when we discover that we cant (and you cant fix dementia) it feels like we didnt love them enough, even though its not true and it takes a huge amount of love and courage to move them.
Your brain knows that you have done the best thing for him, it will just take a while for your heart to catch up.
It is always hard when someone you love has to move into a care home.
A move into a care home always seems to be accompanied by guilt - its as if we feel that if we love someone enough then we can fix anything and then when we discover that we cant (and you cant fix dementia) it feels like we didnt love them enough, even though its not true and it takes a huge amount of love and courage to move them.
Your brain knows that you have done the best thing for him, it will just take a while for your heart to catch up.
Such a hard day for you and Thank You for sharing the experience. I remember the guilt especially when Mum asked ‘what am I really doing here?’ And thinking what else could I have done to keep her in her own home. However also some relief knowing that she would be safe and cared for. Although Mum does not join in a lot she does observe the activities going on which i think it must be better that sitting staring at 4 walls on her own as she had forgotten how to use the T.V.
It does appear to be a good home with a caring manager and hopefully that will provide some reassurance to you even if it does not stop the tears. As Canary said it takes time for heart to catch up with rational head.
Lots of hugs to you
It does appear to be a good home with a caring manager and hopefully that will provide some reassurance to you even if it does not stop the tears. As Canary said it takes time for heart to catch up with rational head.
Lots of hugs to you
I managed to speak to dad yesterday he seemed OK nurse said he was having a shave as hadn't had one in the morning and noticed himself in mirror. Dad mumbled a bit but was thinking he was coming home said he was hoping to see me in morning ( today ). I asked dad if they were taking good care of him he said yes, he asked how was I and also asked after sisters husband. I said we were all fine including his dog. When I said goodbye dad said a loud GOODBYEE and we did this three times? The nurse took phone said dad cracks them up I asked if dad had his breakfast and she said he had two sausages, beans on toast and dad in background said and a tea. I was told that ASC were doing a video call with dad at 3pm and they would be helping dad with it nurse said dad was very well. Dads Social worker called me this morning she felt the video call went well said dad did not mention 'coming home' but did talk about mum a lot his caravan holidays and Navy days and sister and I. It was felt that dad had no idea where he was she told him the name of home and fact it was a care home but dad couldn't remember a few minutes later. I did say we had not told dad that he was going into a CH or name of it. Dad was asked his address gave her the wrong door number and only the town so couldn't recall his address fully. In her opinion dad seemed fairly settled said he was happy to talk to her. I asked if they had made any medication changes she said as yet no as hadn't needed to she said some issues with personnel care but was to be expected as likely dad will always have stating he is a proud man. Dad told her he didn't have carers come into his home despite having had carers at home for three years four times a day. The opinion was dad does not have capacity to recognise his needs. On Monday she hopes to actually go into CH needs to check with them first to see dad face to face she has taken a Covid test today and was obviously calling from her home as mentioned her dogs might bark as someone at her door so had to cut call and ring me back which she did promptly. She told me dad appears to have some fluctuation in his capacity which is why she plans to see him and possibly a third visit too. We did discuss possibility of dad being moved to the closer CH once Respite Care finished especially if dad shows he is a bit different in a CH situation but too early to say she said they can just extend some time in current one until things become clearer. She told me quite often some of the anxiety can disappear and dad is starting to come out of his room and sit in other main room.
My sister called CH today dad wasn't great so complete opposite to yesterday told her he was having Heart Attacks said he was having one then. Sister says she asked him where it hurt he said his abdomen he started making a noise also said he had slipped in kitchen on his back and that he was in a lunatic asylum. Sister felt the call was a 'waste of time' and eventually cut the call as dad couldn't see anyone to give the phone to. Sister says he said something about going on holiday and kept calling her by my name she felt dad was very confused and having a bad day. I feel pretty gutted hearing this after the call from Social Worker earlier indicating all seemed well with dad.
