Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by Jenny_baylis, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. Jenny_baylis

    Jenny_baylis New member

    Jul 9, 2018
    hi all

    I have just registered for this forum and had a look through some threads and I can relate so much. Dad had a stroke in May 2016 - completely out of no where was a healthy guy previously. We have had a diagnosis of dementia about 3 months ago . Over last few weeks I have seen a decline in him - his walking has declined although this was poor due to the stroke, balance is all Over the place so walking is definitely troublesome, has aged significantly, doesn’t talk much, eating habits have gotten so poor, mom is main carer and he occasionally is not nice to her. So after all that I guess my questions are when do you know the time has arrived for hard decisions to be made about care, what can I do to help mom more - I am a full time working mom of two and spend an awful lot of time with mom and dad but feel guilty I don’t do more!!! Have a huge bunch of friends who are there for me but unless they are living with this they don’t understand .

    Sorry for the ramble but I am having a few bad weeks whereby I am trying to get a plan to help not only dad but mom and make sure it is the best decisions

    Jen xx
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    thank you for posting and welcome! Sounds like the time to start getting care has come. This is usually through the social services, and if your dad has savings of more than £24,000 your parents will fund his care, through private carers as I did. What a lovely and caring daughter you are.
    First thing is to contact social services and tell them the position, and then think what kind of care you would like ... day centre care, private carers etc, and how much time you would like.
    warmest, kindred
  3. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Hullo and welcome to TP from me too, Jen. I was going to say much the same as Kindred, but if you request it as a care needs assessment for you dad and a carers assessment for your mum they will sort out the right paperwork. They are both entitled to those by law and if you or they raise all the problems and do some research on here in advance you should get the help you need.
    Don't let the guilt monster get to you either, we can only do so much and you have so many other commitments you need a day for yourself sometimes.
  4. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
  5. Toony Oony

    Toony Oony Registered User

    Jun 21, 2016
    Hi @Jenny_baylis
    Welcome from me too!

    Are you in US? I just thought that may be the case from the way you wrote your post (I may be completely wrong of course). If so, I know that there are several folk on TP that are in US and they may be able to help you with any specific details.

    Wherever you happen to live and whenever you happen to post, there will always be someone willing to listen, chat and support here on TP.

  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    and a warm welcome to TP
    sorry to read of your dad and mum's situation, they are fortunate to have you looking out for them - you have your ownf children to take care of and they, quite rightly must be your priority but doing this research for your mum and helping with organisation will help her immensely
    your dad has a right to an assessment of his care needs by their Local Authority Adult Services, so contact them and arrange this - do not discuss your dad's finances with them (you and mum can say he's been a private man and you will have to look into that, don't even give a rough figure) as a financial assessment should follow that for care needs - at the care assessment be brutally honest about your dad's condition, it's not a time to hold back though that's what we all tend to do; it can be tough facing the reality
    a care package will than be suggested eg home care visits, a sitter, day care, respite and a visit to the home by an OT to suggest aids and adaptions - again, suggest to your mum that she take all the support she is offered as times will only get more challenging
    your mum also has a right to a carer's assessment, so organise that with the LA too
    as to finances, if your dad (and only his finances are assessed, not your mum's and only half of any joint savings) has income and savings over a certain level, he will fund all his care himself, otherwise the LA will at least part fund - reassure your mum that their home is not included in the financial assessment and will not be as long as one or other of them live there
    you may want to look into eventually applying for Attendance Allowance as this is not means tested, all who qualify by need are eligible and it's useful to have the forms so that you know when that time comes - AgeUK can help fill them in - receiving AA will then mean your dad qualofies for a disregard of Council Tax so that your mum is assessed as a single occupier
    think too of getting Lasting Powers of Attorney in place as these will make it easier for the Attorneys (you and your mum, jointly and sevearally?) to take on the management of your dad's affairs should this become necessary
    sorry that this seems such a lot to do, but you can take your time and come post here if you have any questions at any point
    of course this all applies to the UK, if you are elsewhere, just add that as a location to your profile as there are members from many countries on TP, so they have knowledge of how the system works in their location
  7. Jenny_baylis

    Jenny_baylis New member

    Jul 9, 2018
    Thanks all .. one thing that has made me feel more positive is some of the items you have mentioned I have already done or put in place. But there are some other bits you mention that I hadn’t heard of . We have just been allocated an amazing social worker so I will bring some of this up with her. Thanks also for the reassurance that I can only do what I can do . That bit plays on my mind constantly

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