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Newbie needing advice


Registered User
Feb 8, 2016
My 86 year old mum has vascular dementia. She lives one hour away from me. My brother lives with her. She comes to stay with my husband and I relatively often. I picked her up on Thursday and she has not settled in at all. Keeps worrying about back home and keeps asking if her mum is back at the house. My brother doesn't talk to me so I'm not sure how she is at home.
Is this sort of thing 'normal'?
Any advice would be welcome as I don't know which way to turn. I'm getting very close to cracking as my husband's health is becoming very worrying and I feel like I'm not strong enough to shoulder it all.


Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
I found that as my Mum's dementia worsened she became more anxious about leaving her home. She doesn't talk about her parents but she does like to be in her own four walls and it gives her a sense of security. If I bring her to my house now she never really settles and constantly asks to go home. I understand that yours is a different situation though with your brother living with her. Hope someone else will be able to offer you more help. Hugs to support you in what sounds like a difficult time x


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
Hi Cheekycow
(what a name - made me smile just typing it!)
welcome to TP - sorry you are feeling so strained - you've found a safe and supportive place to share your concerns
Sadly how you describe your mum does sound familiar - although your home is somewhere she has visited often, she's out of her everyday environment and it sounds as though she's slipping into her past when home was with her parents - she may not be like this all the time, though - reassure her and be calm and comforting - maybe say she's with you for a lovely visit and her mum is fine then distract her with a cuppa or something she likes and chat about something else
It may be that she is starting with a UTI (urinary tract infection) so it may be worth getting that checked - any infection can cause more confusion, even a cold
If at all possible have a chat with your brother - he may be worrying that you will think less of him if he admits he's finding caring for your mum more challenging - let him know you are finding it more difficult and maybe the 2 of you can consider getting more support - does he have home carers coming in to help? and maybe it's time for day care or respite in a care home to give you all a break - suggest he contacts his local Adult Services for a reassessment of her care needs as there may be support available
You are right to consider your own and your husband's health - we can't take on everything - it's great that you've been sharing the care for your mum but it's time to talk with your brother and get him to open up more so you are both fully informed
best wishes