Newbie looking for advice..

[Pjcity]

Hello everyone,

Although I originally registered on the site quite a while ago it's taken a while for me to take the plunge and post my situation on here to get some advice......

I am 33 and the only son of my Dad who is 67 and suffering from alzheimers. There is a lot of background to the strory but I will give you a brief outline to how and why we have got to the position we are in!!!

Over a decade ago my father cheated on my mother and I threw him out of the family home and did not speak to him for a number of years. To this day he stayed with the woman with whom he had an affair with. Whilst we were not speaking he moved in with this woman whilst I moved 225 miles away! We got back on speaking terms shortly after I moved but the relationship has never been the same as before......

Two years or so ago he admitted to me that he had been diagnosed with Alzheimers and that he was taking Arracet to try and delay onset of the disease. Our relationship has never recovered from the affair but I have definately noticed our discussions becoming very repeated and basic, i.e always talking about the weather, my job etc and it never gets anywhere, we chat every 1-2 weeks on the phone and 3-4 times a year in person.

Last week I was contacted by his partner and advised that she could not cope anymore and was calling in social services, she advised me that she thought I deservec to know and I was the next of kin....

My wife answered another phone call this evening and it was his partner again, she passed on some details of a person within their local social services whom I was supposed to ring to discuss possible options for my dad......

Following a recent visit to see my dad I did not feel things were that bad with him and I am confused as to what the social services can / will do in this situation....

Lastly this may sound callous but in light of what my dad has done in the past I have thoughts that it would be better if I stayed out of this and his partner of the last 12 years make the decisions with this matter .... I know he is my Dad but he has caused a lot of hurt in the family and I feel that I have made peace with him in the last 5 years and I am happy to carry on seeing him / talking to him as we have been doing and not getting any more involved ....

Can anyone enlighten me regarding the legal aspects and the social services side of things .....

Thankyou for listening

 

[elaineo2]

I am sorry for your hurt and what your dad did in previous times.At the end of the day you do care or you wouldn,t have found Tp.Your dads partner has done what they feel is right and have taken the courtesy to inform you. My advice would be to talk it through with them both and take it from there.At the end of the day it is dad decision(if he is able to make it) as to what happens next.A social worker will only advise the best thing to do and will direct you into the care needed.Contact the G.P and try to clarify the situation if you are unsure about anything.Social services are not in the habit of removing people from their environment unless necessary in my experience.hope it helps elainex

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi there and welcome to Talking Point.

Well you definitely are in a difficult position, but you don't need anyone else to tell you that. I think you'll get a wide range of opinions on this: some people here are struggling to care without any support from immediate family while other's are struggling to cope with too much in the way of input (if not support) from family memebers. The step parent/child situation si particularly problematic.

It's not quite clear from your post: is that his current partner is effectively washing her hands of him, or is she just informing you on a need to know basis? It sounds closer to the former if she's giving you the number of social workers to call. I have no idea what the social services will propose, and I suppose some of that will depend on his financial situation. What I can tell you is you cannot be forced to make the necessary arrangements: there is no "duty of care" on the child of an adult patient.

Only you know whether you'll be able to live with yourself if you withdraw from this situation, and maybe, not even you: these situations can take their toll in unexpected ways.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Pjcity.

You have no legal obligation to take responsibility for your father`s care. It is entirely up to you whether you comply with the wishes of your father`s partner or not.

Her first phone call was for information only. She told you she was calling in SS.

The next phone call gave you details of the contacts in SS, and said you are `supposed` to ring them to discuss care. No-one can tell you what you are or are not `supposed` to do.

But can I suggest you do that. Ring the contact number, speak to the appointed SW and tell her/him what you do or do not want to do. That`s for you to decide.

All I say to you is make sure you will have no regrets, if you do decide to walk away.

Take care

 

[Nell]

Hi PJCity
You are certainly facing a very difficult dilemma, and as others have said, only you can decide what to do.

My advice is just that - you can ignore, discard, etc. as you wish.

I suggest you meet with your Dad's current partner (if possible) and have a discussion about what she wants for your Dad and for herself, what you want (for yourself and your Dad) and where to go from here. If you can't do this in person, could you do it by phone or by email?

You mention Following a recent visit to see my dad I did not feel things were that bad with him. I don't want to disagree with you when I don't know your Dad, but I would warn you that dementia patients are often VERY good at seeming to be OK for a reasonably short period of time, but unable to maintain it 24/7. There are many stories on TP of people managing to convince doctors, health professionals, relatives and friends that they are doing fine, whereas the person living with them knows this is not true.

If your Dad's partner feels she needs help, I think you are wise to accept that fact. She seems to need more help now, and she is involving you. Personally I think I'd try and look on it as a courtesy, rather than just "offloading" her responsibilities. Maybe I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but if she and your Dad have lived together for 12 years, I daresay she loves him and cares a lot about what happens to him.

If the two of you can come to a concensus about what is to happen next, you will still need to persuade your Dad to agree! Most people with dementia are confident of their own abilities long after others have realised that they can no longer cope by themselves. You might need a "united front" with Dad's partner to persuade him to accept help.

The whole business of dementia is extremely difficult and fraught for all relations and carers. It is even harder when complicated by situations like your's. But for what it is worth, I think you will feel better in yourself if you don't wash your hands of your Dad, now he needs your help. You would probably be justified in doing so, but could you live with the decision forever? Only you can know, so only you can decide.

You have my best wishes for a positive outcome to this difficult situation. Best of luck.

 

[Pjcity]

Firstly thanks for the guidance and advice in all your posts and to make things a little less formal as my name is Paul....

I am scared of being dragged into this matter and being made to take on my dads situation thus the initial email to this forum.....

Does anyone know what would happen with my dad future care if I refused to get involved or to acknowledge Social services, would the decision lie with my fathers partner or as a previous post stated would the decision lie with my Dad (providing he was deemed capable) ??

Thanks

Paul

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Paul,

I`m not absolutely certain but I think, if you refuse to have any imput, and your father`s partner doesn`t want the responsibility, he will be treated as a single person. If he`s capable of making a decision it will be up to him, but if he`s incapable it will be the decision of the SS.

Someone will surely correct me if I`m wrong.

Take care xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Theoretically no one can be forced to accept care, whether instigated by the next of kin or social services or anyone. So if your father was still capable of expressing his views then what he has to say goes. Having said that though there are ways of "managing" someone into care, because many of us have done it. If there is no one who is prepared to stand up and take the decsion (which I must reiterate isn't atual binding) it is possible for social services to obtain something along the lines of a gurardianship order. However, to do this he would have to be fairly far along, AND they'd have to feel very strongly about it. It happens rarely as far as I can see.

Generally I believe that even though (I assume) your father isn't married to his partner, social services would tend to treat her as if she was his spouse. To be honest, when it comes to such things, spouses and children don't really have any rights as such: the only way that someone can officially be forced into care is via a sectioning order, and for that to happen the person must be a danger to themselves or others.

 

[elaineo2]

I agree with Grannie G,like i said previously if dad has the capacity to make the decision,then that his his right.If you and your dads partner are unable to make a decision then i am sure it lies with the S/W to make recommendations and will make the decision as to what happens to dad.I may be out of line on this and please tell me if i am.Are you frightened to make the decision about dads care?or is it that if someone else makes the decision,if things go pear shaped ,then you can say you are not to blame?.I can understand your dilemma and do not mean to offend in any way.I work in a home and would like more insight into how families feel.love elainex