Newbie here saying hi!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by LIZ50, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. LIZ50

    LIZ50 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    First posting for me but I've been a reader of TP for a while and found it extremely helpful especially the times then I've felt I'm the only person going through this.
    Mum suffered her first stroke in Jan'07 and whilst in hospital was diagnosed with terminal cancer with an 8 week prognosis. I was advised to put her in a home but I decided to give up my managerial job, become her full-time carer and have mum come and live her last few weeks with us. She was in a terrible state and a terminal care package (8 weeks) was set up. When the 8 week deadline passed I received a letter from the PCT stating that as she had passed the 8 week deadline all care facilities would now be withdrawn and a care assessment had decided that I didn't need help as I was doing a good job on my own - I still have that letter as I was absolutely dumbfounded that people who were not with my mum 24/7 could make this decision.
    She then suffered another stroke and was diagnosed with vascular dementia and became somebody I no longer knew. She suffered hallucinations,walkabouts,periods of aggression and abuse directed at me and my other half and also being accused of selling her house and stealing the money. She has also tried her best to split my partner and I up even though he has been wonderful to her. The past 15 months have been horrific and to his day she still resents me for taking away her independence, will never accept that she can no longer live on her own and that she lives with us because we love her.
    Fortunately, at the moment, she is going through a quiet period and now goes to day care which she enjoys and occasionally she goes to short stay respite to give us a rest and some time on our own.
    Mum has recently undergone more tests for the cancer and the doctors are amazed that she is still with us, so all we can do is take each day as it comes as there are no answers but I know that when I am feeling down I can log onto TP and know that I am not alone with my heartache.
    Thank you.
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Dear LIZ, firstly let me welcome you to TP. I am glad you felt able to share your story with us.

    No, that's not your mum, but the result of the dementia.

    Your poor dear mum, to have to battle cancer and Vas.Dem.

    Poor, poor you, not to feel appreciated, after all you have done.
    I know you did not take on your caring role for appreciation, but out of love. Even so it is hard when all you are doing is thrown back at you.

    Glad that you are having a relatively calm period, and hope that it continues, for all your sakes.

    Take care.
  3. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    Hello Liz50

    I'm so glad you were able to post and I hope you find the support you need by doing so.

    The past 15 months have been very traumatic for you in many ways. Giving up your job for one thing is a major change in one's life. Being told not to expect mum to survive much more than 8 weeks is another and then to cope with a changed mum for over a year on your own seems too much.

    I take my hat off to you and would like to say that from what you've told us, I (and I'm sure everyone else) appreciate something of what this means for you and your loved ones. It is so hard that the sufferer (in this case your mum) can no longer function in ways that she once would have.

    Very best wishes Liz50 and a big hug.

  4. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    Hi Liz50

    Welcome to TP - I am so glad you are joining us as we all have our own personal issues and problems on a daily basis. Being in a similar position I can understand your frustrations. I have not worked for a while now and I really do miss the adult conversation of the working world. But I have to say, I really couldn't work at present as I don't even function properly anymore. I am not the person I was when my lovely mum became terminally ill and then dad started with this awful dementia.
    Its good that you are able to share your problems with others and you will certainly get the help and support from TP.
  5. LIZ50

    LIZ50 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008

    Thanks you so much for your replies - it's comforting to know that other people understand the situation.
    Andrear - yes I too miss the adult conversation but also know that I couldn't do another job at present becuase Mum takes up so much of my time and energy.
    Still, today the sun is shining and Mum is sat quite happily in the conservatory with her paper - although how much of it she reads I really don't know!
    Will keep in touch.
  6. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Liz,

    Welcome to TP, many will relate to your post of not feeling appreciated and also the accusations.

    It all gets very weary at times, your doing a great job for your mum and I know how hard it is facing the resentment when your the one putting your life on hold. My mum also went through this phase and it did pass, hopefully, before long it will pass for you too.

    It does sound very unfair that you have being abandoned care wise, you have a lot to contend with and I hope your mum continues with her contentment.

    Best Wishes, Love Taffy.
  7. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008

    I know what you mean by your mum reading the newspaper. My dad goes for one each day, and when he finally sits down to read it, its a time for peace and quiet, but you can't have a conversation about what he read, because he doesn't know what I'm talking about!!
    My son jokes that I send him so many emails now that I am getting the hang of typing and using a computer, that he hasn't the time to read them all before we are talking to each other on the phone. Buts its like I say, its just so good to have adult conversation, but I am very aware that I am losing the ability to communicate on an adult wavelength anymore!! Perhaps when this hell is over, I can go on a course, to get me back into the world again!!

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