newbie here and would be very grateful for advice!!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Tea drinker, Jul 11, 2015.

  1. Tea drinker

    Tea drinker Registered User

    Oct 27, 2012
    Afternoon and thank you for reading......

    My Mum was being tested for dementia about three years ago and while she was in the 'system', she had a stroke and was in hospital for about a month. She recovered from the stroke but she no longer speaks and has post stroke dementia. My Dad is her full time carer but is beginning to struggle big style........

    I see them every week but am finding how he is incredibly frustrating as he could do so many things to make life easier but he's in such a rage at the moment, I daren't suggest anything. He had a look at a respite home last week, was all full of how amazing it was and then today, he has started saying that if my Mum went in there, she would very quickly become institutionalised. He is back down the path of saying he would rather be dead than have the life he does have.

    He puts pressure on himself on a daily basis to cook every single meal from scratch (even to the point of baking home made bread), does all the ironing the second the clothes are dry and there are absolutely no corners that he will cut. Money is no object so he could easily have a cleaner, someone to sit with my Mum, he could buy the better quality ready made food and give himself a break. It feels like he is being some type of martyr and then I am left feeling really guilty but I work full time, have two children and a husband and I can only be spread so thin!

    Would really appreciate any ideas about how to tackle him.

    Thanks in advance x
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Hi tea drinker & welcome to TP.

    Your Dad may be trying keep control over an uncontrollable illness.
  3. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    #3 Long-Suffering, Jul 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2015
    Hi TD,

    Welcome. Sorry to hear about the situation with your parents. It seems to be a common one. Many things you say about your dad are true of my mum. She is determined to be dad's sole carer to the bitter end, but she is really struggling to cope now and angry all the time. She complains non-stop about having to care for him, but if you suggest anything to help her she snaps your head off and comes up with any reason she can think of to reject the suggestion. She also has what you call a martyr's attitude and insists on trying to keep the house spotless even while looking after dad 24/7. I think in her case the anger comes from resentment about how their lives have ended up. Anyway, the harsh reality is that at some point your dad and my mum will both have to accept help whether they like it or not, but in my experience, the more you try to persuade them, the more they resist. You have to step back and wait until the time comes when they realise for themselves that they can no longer cope. Then they might just ask for help. Then again they might not. Just try not to let the situation drive you crazy in the meantime.

    Good luck.

  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I agree. He is using all his energy in trying to control what he can because he is unable to control the dementia and is afraid of the future.

    Some one I knew whose opinion I have great respect for once told me that fear and anger were very closely associated, so that if he met some one who was inexplicably very fearful all the time he would ask - what are you angry about? - and if he met someone who was constantly in a rage he would ask - what are you afraid of?

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