1. Jamdia

    Jamdia Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    2
    SW Scotland
    Hello everyone. My dad (75) was given a "working diagnosis" of Vascular Dementia last Friday, to be confirmed (or not) by an upcoming CT scan and blood test. He and my mother (74) live with me and my two children (15 and 10) and my husband, when he's not working away (which is 5 nights out of the 7 usually and sometimes 10/14). The testing was at my request and even though I had my suspicions, I'm devastated. I mourn the dad I knew; I don't recognise this stranger as him. I feel such pity for this strange, frail and difficult man that I am suddenly carer for. And helping my mum deal with it, means I have to constantly be strong, practical and calm when really I just need to cry and be comforted. But, it is what it is. I'm registered with the local carer's charity, I exercise daily, either alone or with a friend, and I am kept busy with my children's hobbies and school life.

    Any hints for a very scared, weary and sad newbie to all this? Thank you.
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    Just keep coming back here we will all try to answer any questions you have. keep your friends very close and turn to them for support. My closest friends have been the best support for me, their advice has not always been welcome or practical but they have allowed me to ramble on about all things Dementia for 2 years now and they are still with me.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Welcome to TP. There is so much help and support on here and so much experience to help you on your journey. I think we can all recall the fear and anxiety in those first days after diagnosis or realisation. There is a great link on here for compassionate communication and i can't find mine at the moment but if someone doesn't post it later then i'll find it or you could pop it into the search box. It is well worth reading and may save you a lot of difficult conversations.

    You and your mum must be finding this very hard but equally your dad is probably frustrated and fearful.

    I am sure your local carers organisation will tell you all about Attendance Allowance and a carers assessment. Do look after yourself and keep up the independent activities with friends and you may find that your local carers association is a lifeline.

    We are all here to support you , thinking of you, keep posting xx
     
  4. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    My good friend and neighbour is my escape. She is always a willing ear. I look at my husband and apart from the eyes he is the same man but really he is another person in his body. But we are trying to muddle through as best we both can . This site is a godsend too.It will change as you go along and remember your mum may feel as I do very alone, even though we have the full support of our daughters.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    Morning Jamdia
    a warm welcome to TP
    as you've already found folks here are very supportive and have a wealth of experience for you to come along and share
    it must be tough for you to keep family life on an even keel and yet yourself be reeling from the confirmation of your suspicions
    I appreciate that you may feel that you need to be 'constantly strong, practical and calm' - however that's not how it really is and you need to be able to let your guard down
    certainly come here to let off steam
    I do wonder, though, if maybe chatting with your mum and being honest with her might help you both - maybe she is trying to be strong for you, too - and that's not really healthy for either of you - there's nothing wrong in having a good cry or rant - maybe it would be a release for both of you, for her to know that you need her as your mum, and for her to come to you as her daughter
    Apologies if I have overstepped the mark - you know best how your family works - but you can't be 'constantly' anything without breaking at some point - be gentle with yourself, this is a deal to come to terms with :)
     
  6. Jamdia

    Jamdia Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    2
    SW Scotland
    Thank you

    To everyone who took time out to respond: a huge thank you. I have noted all your comments and whilst they are just plain comment sense, I have written them down and stuck in my kitchen where I can have a daily reminder when things go belly-up.
     
  7. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
  8. Cudbear

    Cudbear Registered User

    Nov 5, 2015
    6
    Find someone who you don't need to 'put on a face for'

    Jamdia - this is a new phase of life for most of us in a similar position - it's scary and mixed up and daunting - nothing you've done before seems to have prepared you for the emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes you feel that you have to keep running so you can keep the reality at bay. But you're human and everyone has their limits and their good and bad days. Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about your emotional reaction to this. It's good to keep busy, but when you just haven't the energy and things are going wrong, you need to let it out. It can be difficult sometimes to talk to people close to you for fear of hurting them or being judged by them. I've found Samaritans helpful - they're there round the clock, they're detached and they don't think you mad or bad if you feel the need to confess to wanting to run away from it all. Hang in there and 'vent' whenever it all seems too much.
     

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