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[anne-marie]

I am new to this forum, don't really know what i am doing. Mum has been recently diagnosed and am seeking support. I live with Mum, have two sisters who have completely left me to it. Older one wants me to put her in a home (already has made enquiries). My twin who lives in London has cut me off completely, in fact had an e-mail from her partner saying I was not to contact theem again. Mum due for an MRI and CAT scan and due to start medication next week. In turns she is happy, angry, agressive, not particularly tearful, just willing to have a go at me at any opportunity. Can't do anything right. She has had two falls in the house this week which I have had to deal with. Can't sleep for fear she will do something. GP has been very supportive but what choices do I have left ? She has started to accuse me of stealing money regarding shopping etc, although I have poer of attorney. Worst scenario she will go in a home, house will be sold and i will be homeless. Tat meakes me sound selfish i know but i am single, 48 years old, both my sisters are happily settled, so what do I do now?

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome anne-marie.

You sound a bit shell shocked but have found the best place for support and information.

You don`t say what form of dementia your mother has been diagnosed with but if you look through the Factsheets they might help.

You will find them here.

 

[chris53]

Hello Anne-Marie, welcome to Talking Point, you will find lots of support, understanding and advice here day or night, or even if just want to let off steam! you have come to the right place.

So welcome again and keep posting x

 

[Anongirl]

Welcome Anne Marie, you're in the right place x

 

[anne-marie]

thanks

thanks, have been debating for ages about where to go for someone to tak to. Feel abandoned by my sisters who can't be bothered with Mum as I live with her. In turns, she is tearful, angry, aggressive and to boot has had two falls this week in the house, which i have had to deal with. What do you do when noone else cares ?

Welcome Anne Marie, you're in the right place x

 

[hollycat]

Hi and a warm welcome

First thing is worry about NOTHING for now and pass your worries onto HERE.

Loads of experienced folk on here, so you really are in the right place.

A very sincere warm welcome again and fire your worries away.

Not been on long myself and the assistance I have recieved has been AMAZING.

Problem shared and all that x x x

 

[anne-marie]

thanks

thanks for the welcome, I do worry about everything. Used to be on anti-depressants and am considering going back on them. wouldn't be so bad if my sisters supported me but they don't, don't understand how they can leave me all alone to deal with this
SHE IS THEIR MUM AS WELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hi and a warm welcome

First thing is worry about NOTHING for now and pass your worries onto HERE.

Loads of experienced folk on here, so you really are in the right place.

A very sincere warm welcome again and fire your worries away.

Not been on long myself and the assistance I have recieved has been AMAZING.

Problem shared and all that x x x

 

[Anongirl]

It often seems to me to be the case that if one person steps up as the 'main carer' other family members think it's ok to get on with their lives and step away. (I'm sure that's not always the case though!)

Do you think your sisters just think you can cope? Would it help if you spoke to them and told them you need support?

 

[anne-marie]

Thanks

I have tried and tried to spesak to them, my older sister wants to put her in a home and my twin in London has completely cut me off when I asked for help. They are settled and I am alone living with Mum. My twin's partner has e-mailed me to say that I shouldn't bothr them anymore - they won't pick up the phone and discuss anything. Mum is due for MRI and CT and medication next week. I am left alone to deal with this. They just don't care enough to even help me.

It often seems to me to be the case that if one person steps up as the 'main carer' other family members think it's ok to get on with their lives and step away. (I'm sure that's not always the case though!)

Do you think your sisters just think you can cope? Would it help if you spoke to them and told them you need support?

 

[rjm]

Hi Anne Marie,
Welcome, it is undoubtedly hard having to deal with this all by yourself. I'm glad to hear that your GP is supportive, maybe you can get some more help from him/her to connect with social services and get needs assessments for both your mum and yourself. If your sisters are totally unwilling to help it may be better just to ignore them rather than wasting your energy worrying about why they are that way. You have enough on your plate looking after your mum and yourself. Take each day as it comes and treasure the good moments, no matter how far apart they are.
All the best.

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Anne Marie and welcome to Talking Point.

It might surprise you to know that many on here are experiencing the same as you are with other family members running for the hills - they are often referred to as the "invisibles", just so you know. I was fortunate as my two sisters rallied round and were able to put my mother's best interests first. I think you will find that Talking Point can help support you and given that everyone on here has an understanding of what you are going through, they'll probably be a good surrogate family for you.

I noticed that your mum's moods change and that she is accusing you of stealing her money etc and thought you might find the following thread useful as it talks about how to communicate with people who have memory problems. It gives some insight as to the problems people experience as their memory changes and they are not able to process information in the same way as we do. There are lots of good suggestions about how we can modify what we say and how we say it. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.

I would suggest that before you start contemplating care homes that you see what help is available for both you and your mum. Could she go to a day care centre perhaps? Can they put a care package in place? Can they give you a regular commitment on allowing you respite? Now is your time to speak out and don't be afraid to do this. Your health and wellbeing are important. As has been suggested, speak to your mum's GP and Social Services and tell them that if help is not given then you will have to resort to placing your mum in care. Yes she would be self funding, but that doesn't mean that you have to bear all the burden of caring on your own.

Fiona

 

[nita]

Dear Anne Marie

I read about your predicament and wondered if there was any legal advice you could get, should your mother have to go into care as it does sound like you are having a difficult job caring for her. I found the following on the net:-

I am single and live with my elderly widowed mother. She owns the house outright and has savings of about £20,000. If she needs to go into care, what happens to me? Will the house have to be sold?

The only circumstances where the property can be disregarded is where it continues to be occupied by a partner (married or unmarried), a relative who is aged over 60 or incapacitated, a child under 16 who is dependent on the person in the care home, or a separated partner who is a lone parent. There is also discretion for the local authority to ignore the property if it is occupied by someone who gave up their own home to care for the person now going into care.

If none of these applies, then the value of the property will probably be taken into account. Rather than selling it, your mother could participate in what is called a deferred payments agreement, whereby the local authority will assist with the funding of her care fees but will take a charge against the property, to be paid back when it's eventually sold.


Read more: http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/...m-care-QA-The-funding-maze.html#ixzz23zNtQfWU

A couple of these points may apply to you. One is the person living in the house being "incapacitated". You said you suffered from depression. The other, is the last paragraph about the deferred payments agreement. I think you should seek advice from a solicitor or the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Another thing I wondered about is whether your mother has a urinary tract infection (UTI). My mother has got parnoid (suspicious of me) totally uncharacteristically on two occasions while having one of these infections. Could she be tested for it? The first time she became so unmanageable she went into respite care.

I think you should definitely involve Social Services as others have said on here. They may be able to offer you help and support too. You need to contact the Adult Persons dept. of your local Council's SS. You should go to your doctor about your own health too.

Wishing you all the best and do hope you can find some help. Another thought - the Aricept (if that is what she will be taking) may help with the symptoms.