Hi I hope you all had a good Christmas break. I am still on respite as my sister decided to stay for two weeks? I am staying with a friend but am starting to dread going back to mum. My sister and brother always cause some trouble when I'm. Away and manipulate and try and control mum. Also bad mouth me and try and turn her against me. I've just been very depressed this Xmas as coming into another year now and wondering how much more I can take. I'm caring for mum nine years now and feel like my life is going nowhere. This Xmas I got rid of two so called friends as they were not there for me but I'm not that bothered either you are a good friend or not. My whole life revolves around mum and I have no life. The biggest problem is that I hate this small town and would not be here if it wasn't for mum. I'm just exhausted with family not supporting me and having no life here. Even if mum was to go into a home I still could not leave here. Who would visit her she only has me here and a useless son? I feel like something has to give this year or ill crack up. Mum is not getting better but her memory is still fairly OK? I don't want her to die but I'm feeling so sad and depressed about my life and what will happen to me when this is all over. There is no contact with family members we don't talk to each other and they are more worried about their inheritance than mums care. Sorry to rant but I don't know how much longer I can live like this. My counsellor was ill today so I couldn't offload on her today. Just a horrible way to be feeling and another new year of what?
New year depression?
- Thread starter Onmyown
- Start date
I’m sorry your counsellor isn’t around, glad you can offload here...but I’m wondering if it might be a good idea to ring someone tomorrow and have a chat? I’m thinking of the help line on this site. These feelings have been building for a time..and they aren’t going to go away. This time alone has obviously made you think...and there do need to be some changes, I think. Maybe if you talk to someone, who might be able to point out solutions you might not have thought of, it will help you think things through?
Like Amethyst I think it would be good for you to talk with the AS helpline. 9 years is a long time to care more or less alone and while it has been good for you to have 2 weeks off and your sister stepping in it has heightened your despair at your situation. If family can't be relied upon to get involved regularly or even care as often happens with siblings it is left to one person when you go back can you start to arrange any more support? I can't remember from your previous posts but do you receive any help from carers coming in or have you investigated day care? Had an assessment of your Mum's needs and importantly yours? Whilst you naturally feel trapped in my mum's town and home maybe there is a befriending service there who could sit with your mum while you have an hour or two to yourself...which no matter how much we want to or have to do for our pwd is something everyone needs. Sorry if I am going over suggestions already given but something needs to change as you can only give so much of yourself. It isn't clear but maybe your mum is not at the care home SS criteria stage yet but dont put obstacles of visiting distance in your mind if this was to come about...visiting a home that you are happy with the care may mean the need to visit less so you can claw back a bit of your life. Unfortunately the illness is progessive and although everyone's rate of decline is different your mum whilst having some days when she doesn't seem quite so bad her care needs will probably increase. So try and make changes and start to get help to help you now.
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Thanks for your replies. I have just received a letter from hse (sorry I'm I not going Ireland so that's our NHS here) after everything I've told them they are going to be coming in once a week for 45mins??? I told them mum is incontinent and I have to change bed everyday and that I need a carer coming in everyday? Anyway mum has got rid of most carers in the past. I will just take what I can get for now but keep pushing for more help. I don't know what a carer can do in 45mins as mum won't let them wash her? All they will do is make bed, breakfast and wash her but if she refuses what can I do? I am desperately looking for a cleaner to come in for 3hrs a week but it's not easy finding someone. Just dreading going back to the trouble my sister will have caused as usual. And my sister dosnt do much housework so I'll probably go back to a mess. I appreciate your advice but the helpline didn't seem to be much help as they cannot deal with family issues. I am hoping that this year and soon I will be able to get to speak to a shrink as this is going on too long now. Still waiting for mums apt to come for geriatrics. It's just such stress and it's like I'm diagnosing her with dementia as her gp dosnt see it? As long as she is scoring 27/30 seems it's all they care about and don't listen to her behaviour issues. Apart from the support on here I've never been given a chance to talk to a person regarding her dementia which is ridiculous now after 7yrs of this. My mum knows what she is doing and avoids doctors etc at all costs. All I can do is wait for her illness to get worse only then will I be listening to?
Oh dear, this is a complicated one. I didn’t realise your mum doesn’t have a diagnosis...or that you were in Ireland. Sorry.
Sorry me neither but someone on TP who lives in Ireland may be able to help further. Without knowing the system there it's difficult but regardless of her scoring...can you push for a referral from a different GP as a starter documenting the different behaviour challenges and timeline?
I'm sorry you are so down at the moment @Onmyown . A lot of people with less to cope with find the New Year depressing, so it's no wonder that Carers do!
I'm quite confused though! I know you are on Carer's Allowance - so someone must have diagnosed your mum as being in need of full time care and attention? Does she have some other disability?
I'm quite confused though! I know you are on Carer's Allowance - so someone must have diagnosed your mum as being in need of full time care and attention? Does she have some other disability?
So sorry to read this. You sound burnt out, iv been feeling exactly the same I have siblings but I do the most and have been expected to do the most !
You now deserve your own life, you need mayb a new friend, Is there anybody on this forum who lives close to you who you could start meeting up with?
I’m standing my ground now, iv set my days I’m willing to help,(my days are on call 24hrs) when I’m not on I’m not being the carer, take it or leave it, I will go back to work if I have to and SS will have to step in and deal with it
Get strong, this is a very unfair disease which last a long time. Get your life as well and keep posting it helps xxx
You now deserve your own life, you need mayb a new friend, Is there anybody on this forum who lives close to you who you could start meeting up with?
I’m standing my ground now, iv set my days I’m willing to help,(my days are on call 24hrs) when I’m not on I’m not being the carer, take it or leave it, I will go back to work if I have to and SS will have to step in and deal with it
Get strong, this is a very unfair disease which last a long time. Get your life as well and keep posting it helps xxx
In recent years I have always felt that New Year is depressing anyway so maybe you feel a bit like that. I cared for my Mum every weekend for over 10 years, took her on many holidays, did all her shopping, took her to appointments etc and looking back thats a long time. She is now in care but every single day I am thinking and worrying about her, dealing with paperwork, making phonecalls, ordering stuff, visiting her every other day etc.
I know its not as much as you do but I do understand how draining it is.
I think you need to speak to someone 1-1. Xx
I know its not as much as you do but I do understand how draining it is.
I think you need to speak to someone 1-1. Xx
I found the same when dad went into his NH as you Snow white ... still a carer as you don't switch off on the days you are not visiting...always something to organise...buy...chase up...check on...awake in the middle of the night worrying over something to do with his care...but with a little weight off my shoulders most of the time...still a carer just a different one!
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Sorry my story is such a long one!! I moved home to Ireland temporarily after the 2008 crash,lost my job in UK and went home to mums to decide what I would do next? Had no intention of staying there but fate took over. I had a bad accident and hit my head which turned out to be a huge long court case etc. Then while suffering from ptsd from the accident etc my mum was becoming more and more aggressive and abusive and didn't want to to be on her own and would hurl abuse at me if I went out to my friends for a night. So I started to get my friends to come to see me but that didn't work she'd complain about that. Then she fell and broke her arm. Then we had a break-in and her behaviour was becoming more and more bizarre. She left the door open one night and her reasoning was she had left it open for the carer coming in the next morning??? I immediately told her gp who did nothing? Then she tried to light a fire by sticking a whole chair into the fire and I found it burnt out in front garden. Again I told her gp I was very concerned but he did nothing and said it was depression? I lost it and told him something was wrong and I wanted her evaluated. He said she was on a list and suggested I go private. So I did and the geriatrician sent her for a brainscan and the diagnosis was "vascular deterioration". I said so she has dementia and he said there will be dementia!! That was 7yrs ago and since then her gp wouldn't talk to me as mum did not want me talking to him? Also my brother and sister started to go to her gp and say mum was fine and that I was not right after my head injury??? ?? I had concussion? Not a serious head injury? And up until last year of me changing her gp to a new one she has not been properly assessed and this is where I am now. I blame her old GP for ignoring my concerns with their patient doctor confidentiality rubbish and that the GP listened to the siblings and not me the one at home looking after her. I've been physically abused by my brother as my mother screamed one day because I told nurse she was not taking her meds and she needed to let me take over? The police were called and I was asked to leave but mum forgot about all that and I went back home and it's been a nightmare since mainly due to my brother and sister wanting to control her money, house. I've been screaming at ss and gp since and get nothing but we don't want to get involved with family? And now her gp is waiting for a proper diagnosis even though a geriatrician said vascular deterioration? Last GP said mci? This GP put vascular dementia on her med report but thinks her memory is OK? It's now the waiting game? And I'm fed up with this constant stress. One time last may my mum threw a tantrum so I called an emergency doctor as proof of her behaviour? He said her gp needs to refer her to a shrink ASAP but her gp did not do this? Her doctor dosnt see dementia but agrees a diagnosis needs to be made. So I am waiting for this geriatrics apt and will kick ass this time. It's a nightmare and I'd leave if I had money and let my siblings take over. But after giving up work to look after her I have no savings left. It's a horrible situation to be in.
It is, indeed.
Tbh, I think you really need to start thinking more about yourself and your own future. You're, I think you said, 52? That's barely middle aged. You hopefully have a lot of years ahead of you yet. Put bluntly, being single, you have only yourself to rely on to provide for your future. The HSE will be happy for you to provide care for your mum, and it's great that they now provide three months payment of Carer's Allowance after the person you are caring for goes into a Nursing Home or dies. But you need to start thinking and planning for your future.
Tbh, I think you really need to start thinking more about yourself and your own future. You're, I think you said, 52? That's barely middle aged. You hopefully have a lot of years ahead of you yet. Put bluntly, being single, you have only yourself to rely on to provide for your future. The HSE will be happy for you to provide care for your mum, and it's great that they now provide three months payment of Carer's Allowance after the person you are caring for goes into a Nursing Home or dies. But you need to start thinking and planning for your future.
Onmyown you are truly dealing with a hell of a lot here, I have read your first post and scanned the second.
Firstly hoorah for the very good friend you have that you are staying with. You say your family 'bad mouth' you to your Mum and this may be true BUT they are enabling you to have a break. 9 years caring is a long time and no wonder you feel the way you do, I have done 8 and it has done me in completely to the extent that Mum will be going into residential care. I have posted so many times on here for help and other people's opinions about my predicament and I certainly have no answers for you. Only you know what is possible or workable in your situation.
What I would say is this- new year is a very depressing because lots of us realise that instead of new opportunities and experiences all a new year offers is more of the same but I am reminded of a woman I met when I was enjoying a brief break from my caring responsibilities and was telling her my situation. Every suggestion she made to ease life for me or change it I challenged and gave her good reasons why I could not do it. She looked at me and said "If not now, when"?
A bit like LadyA I would say try and take back some control in your life because you could be caring for several years yet and it is in your power to change it. See if your siblings can help out more often, get carers in for Mum whether she wants it or not, look into regular respite and don't shoulder all the burden on your own. You have given so much leave a little for your own enjoyment life is to be lived not endured.
Firstly hoorah for the very good friend you have that you are staying with. You say your family 'bad mouth' you to your Mum and this may be true BUT they are enabling you to have a break. 9 years caring is a long time and no wonder you feel the way you do, I have done 8 and it has done me in completely to the extent that Mum will be going into residential care. I have posted so many times on here for help and other people's opinions about my predicament and I certainly have no answers for you. Only you know what is possible or workable in your situation.
What I would say is this- new year is a very depressing because lots of us realise that instead of new opportunities and experiences all a new year offers is more of the same but I am reminded of a woman I met when I was enjoying a brief break from my caring responsibilities and was telling her my situation. Every suggestion she made to ease life for me or change it I challenged and gave her good reasons why I could not do it. She looked at me and said "If not now, when"?
A bit like LadyA I would say try and take back some control in your life because you could be caring for several years yet and it is in your power to change it. See if your siblings can help out more often, get carers in for Mum whether she wants it or not, look into regular respite and don't shoulder all the burden on your own. You have given so much leave a little for your own enjoyment life is to be lived not endured.
