New User - My sorry so far

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Giles, Aug 11, 2007.

  1. Giles

    Giles Registered User

    Aug 10, 2007
    Hi All,

    I've just spent a couple of hours reading the post on here and wanted to post something, to get it off my chest more than anything else. So here goes.

    My father has been in the earky stages of Dementia for some time (who knows how long - difficult to say i guess - they moved down from the North to Bournemouth to be near me when my other brother emigrated to OZ (I have 3 brothers - one in OZ, one in New Zealand and my other brother is in Hull still - unfortunatly he's an alcoholic - so he isn't much help).

    Dad's condition has got worse quite quickly as he's had a few fits (he's been on epilim for some time - he had an AVM (perhaps someone else can elaborate on this) about 10 years ago, and everytieme he has a fit he seems to get worse.

    They have lived close to me for about 3 years - Mum was coping quite well - Dad had been into respite once while Mum had to go into hospital to have a stent put in (she had very mild heart attack and they did the op as soon as she went in). After she came out things seemed to be going ok - Dad is not good on his feet and she was caring for him 24/7. However things seemed to be OK so my Girlfriend and i went on holiday. I called Mum everyday to see that she was OK etc which she seemed to be .

    Then i got the phone call that Mum had passed away (heart attack - panic set in and i got the first flight home. The neighbours had not seen any activety in the house and let themselves in - they found Dad wandering around naked and he was starving. They sorted him out and looked after him til I got back.

    I had to make some very quick desicions and I think that with the help of my brother Marc (the one in OZ - he flew back for Mum funeral and helped me for a couple of weeks) we have made the right choices. Dad has had to go into a home - I run my own business and it would have been impossible for me to look after him - (i spent many sleepless nights over the choice and I know what other people are goign though having to make that choice) The home is excellent - and in some respects allmost has given him a new lease of life - he still asks about going home - i understand that this is very common - but this is getting less and less - I think that he is starting to accept that the home is now HIS home, and i think that this will improve over time.I get to see him at least every other day - I try and get there every day and feel racked with guilt if i can;t get to see him. However he does accept that I can't make it every day.

    In a way I guess that we are lucky - we can still go out to the pub for a pint as father and son - and from time to time we have what I call our "clarity moments" where it's as if he wasn;t suffering at all. We have lunch somedays too - his eating isn't great - he tends to be a bit messy and eats with his hands!! , but we allways go to the same pub with a disabled space right near the door and the staff know us now and accept it .

    I'm finding it hard as all of a sudden I've had to do everything that Mum was doing - and it;s made me realise how much she did and how hard it was for her, she was looking after things 24/7. The main thing that I miss is someone to talk to about it all guess that's why I'm on here. My GF is amazing and has been so supportive - I just wish my family wasn't on the other side of the world.

    Right that's it - got it all off my chest!!!

    If the one thing that I've learnt from this that I could say to others - is enjoy the time you have and make the most of it - taking Dad out for a pint can be a real effort - but the hour we get together (sometimes just half an hour) is worth it - we can both forget everything and enjoy each others comany.

    Just cause he's got dementia - he;s still my Dad and a great person - and I love him to bits.

    Thanks for letting me get it off my chest!

    Giles 32

    Dad 76
    Mum 64 when she passed away
  2. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Giles and welcome to TP.

    There will always be someone to talk to here.It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate, being the only family member who can take on the care of your Dad whilst running your own business. I'm sure you have done the right thing by putting your Dad in a care home where his day to day needs and his safety are looked after, and you get to spend quality time with him, taking him for a pint and a pub lunch sounds great. :)

    I know they call dementia the 'long goodbye' and it is, but in some ways I feel privileged that I no longer take my Dad for granted and can appreciate the good times we still have together, whilst knowing the time I have with him is finite.

    Keep us posted.
  3. dave b

    dave b Registered User

    Nov 21, 2006
    giles mate,
    sorry to hear your struggling,with your dad.
    if you'r a son left with the prob it's not easy!
    tell me about it!
    i take mom out to eat a couple of times a week
    she has the same probs as your old man by the sound of it!
    use the same places they will get used to , so do the regulars!
    we all get older, everyone thinks in the end there but for god go we.
    good luck
  4. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    God bless you Giles, what a wonderful son you are! This must have been a devastating time for you. I am so glad that you have some quality time with your dad. I have myself just posted a thread more or less saying the same thing about living for today. xx TinaT
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Giles,

    Thank you for your story. By `getting it off your chest` you have shared your experiences and helped us to know you.

    What a tragedy, to lose your mother so unexpectedly and suddenly. Your parents were and are the same ages as my husband and I, so I can put myself in their position.

    Please keep posting. There are many sons and daughters on TP with the sole responsibility of their parents. You will receive a lot of help and support.

    Take care xx
  6. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex

    That's exactly how I feel about my Mum.

    Your Dad is a lucky man to have you.............I can just picture the two of you enjoying a pint together.

    Your Mum would have been very proud of you.

  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Giles, thank you for your post. Your dad is a lucky man to have such a lovely son to care for him.

    I know it's going to be hard for you, but your advice to enjoy every moment together while you can is so wise.

    Stay with us now that you've found us, there are many members in similar situations to you, and you will find lots of support.

    best wishes,
  8. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    North Wales
    Hello Giles,

    .................................................... "still my Dad and a great person - and I love him to bits"

    That is a lovely thing to say. Especially as you are going through so much.

    We can understand how you are feeling and hope you can feel our support for you. Please keep writing here to tell us what is happening.

    I've only been here for a few weeks and it has made me feel so much better.

    Every good wish to you - Cliff

    PS Dee and I are older than your Dad so can truly appreciate how good you are.
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    welcome Giles to TP :)


    both forget everything and enjoy each others comany , that sounds really lovely

    I've been saying that lately I say it as ''There But For The Grace of God Go I'' So true, thanks for sharing
  10. Giles

    Giles Registered User

    Aug 10, 2007
    Firstly can i say thanks for the kind words from everyone, I'm amazed at the number of replies, I will keep posting on here and I'm also happy to give people the benifit of my (somewhat limited ) experiance. I've been through dealing with the banks and EPA's etc

    Thanks again for all the support - I really feel like I've found somewhere that I can talk to people.

  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Giles, that`s really good to know.

    Post whenever you want, there`ll always be someone here for you.

    Love xx
  12. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    Making the most of the good times

    Your right Giles ...made me stop and think ..MIL is just 3 weeks into her new home..and we have taken her out for the first time last week, which went really well. The nice thing now is that having been through the daily rows and worries that looking after someone 24/7 entails ..we had lost sight of the good times....
    now we really can just concentrate on giving her treats and enjoying each others more rows any more just hugs whenever we see her.
    ..Thank you

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