1. CJRJ

    CJRJ Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    3
    Plymouth
    My partner's mother has had mental health problems for years which were always referred to as 'episodes', when these occurred she would rant and rave a lot. It was accepted that this was just her personality and was 'put up with' by the family. Over the last couple of years her health and mental state has deteriorated and we have now been told by Dad that she has Alzheimer's and he has to 'just ride with it' . She has always been very controlling and Dad keeps the peace by doing whatever she tells him...or so I believe. Recently they disappeared on holiday (x2 80 odd year olds towing a caravan) refusing any contact during or since returning. We have found out that Mum has pulled the phone out of the wall and taken Dads mobile phone away. We are planning to visit at the weekend and have no idea how to handle a seemingly out of control situation............any advice?:confused:
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    Welcome to TP.

    You ask for advice.

    So much depends on your relationship with them. How close you are, how often you see them.
    If this is long term behaviour, which has increased lately, the only advice I can offer is play it by ear, but tread carefully.

    Let us know how you get on.
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I'd be inclined to make my own judgements.

    To go in as if visiting anybody at all.

    Obviously be on the alert for any unusual behaviour from either, but don't comment if something strange does happen.

    The spouse of someone who has dementia - and probably other conditions where behaviour may be affected - lives with the person all the time and they have to figure out whether they will go with the flow, or fight it. To fight dementia is to fight the unfightable - the spouse or family member will always be on the losing side in a fight.

    Spouses develop strategies to help them manage and someone who visits for a few hours, or even a day, may well get a wrong impression.

    I'd be making a mental note of each behaviour/conversation/action/whatever and when the day is done, review what I had seen.

    Don't anticipate the visit being out of control; take it as it comes.
     
  4. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi CJR

    As you have had no contact, but have heard about the phone episode, at least you have to assume your partners parents have managed, so far.
    It's very hard to know what is 'best' or 'right'.
    The only thing I would say is, try to keep calm.
    If your partners Dad can handle towing a caravan and his wife, then he must be doing something right.

    Take care
    Janetruth x
     
  5. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Just wondering if an offer to help in some way might be acceptable . . . ?? Perhaps if one of you offered to stay with your partner's Mum whilst his Dad did the shopping . . . ? Or something similar?? This might help you get a better grasp of what is really going on.

    I realise your partner's Dad might refuse this, or you may live too far away to offer such help. If so, I think all you can do is follow the advice given by Sylvia, Bruce and Jane. Also, perhaps you can occupy his Mum for a few minutes so that your partner can have a "heart to heart" with his Dad?? (Ask her to show you baby pictures of your partner!! :) )

    Above all, be prepared for a long, slow rough ride over the next few months. I'm sorry to be negative, but it is unlikely your partner's parents will cooperate with what seem to you and your partner to be straightforward and sensible suggestions. As Bruce says:
    The spouse of someone who has dementia - and probably other conditions where behaviour may be affected - lives with the person all the time and they have to figure out whether they will go with the flow, or fight it. To fight dementia is to fight the unfightable - the spouse or family member will always be on the losing side in a fight.

    Best of luck with your situation - and please let us know how you get on. (I wish we could give you a "magic" answer, but sadly, there aren't any!)
     
  6. CJRJ

    CJRJ Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    3
    Plymouth
    Thanks so much

    Thank you to Grannie G, Brucie, Janetruth and Nell. Your words of advice have eased my worries a little, especially Brucie's that spouce's have decide to go with the flow or fight it. I had a most unhelpful conversation with Mum's GP this morning who announced that she didn't know what my concerns were! So I reminded her of Mum's condition and recent behaviour! Anyone would have thought that having Alzheimer's was the same as having a headache. Anway the surgery are sending in a Community Psychiatric Nurse to check on Mum next week and the nurse will follow up with a call to me. Thank goodness for the receptionist at the Surgery, without her help I would be much more in the dark than currently. She understood my worries as she had gone throuh a similar situation with her Mum years ago.
    I'll let you know how we get on a the weekend....Im going armed with some photos to use as a talking point and will ask her to show me the family album too.

    Thanks again
    CJRJ
     
  7. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    I wish I could say that your experience with the doctor was unusual, but sadly, it seems to often be the case. Thank goodness there was someone who DID understand what you were worrying about and could help! The CPN visit should give you some ideas of where to go next. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in the coming period.
     
  8. CJRJ

    CJRJ Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    3
    Plymouth
    Post visit

    Ive just deleted a long winded version of events.....and will just give you the short version.
    Found Mum and Dad in a bad way mentally, spoke to the CPN after returning home and she has been put on Amisulpride. DRAMATIC RESULT!!!:D
    Dad is so happy because he says he's got his wife 'back' and Mum has allowed the phones to go back on and she says she feels much better.
    I'm not expecting the effects to last forever but we know how to help now and can monitor the situation.
    Your advice was v helpful, I sat on the bed with Mum on our visit and shared photos with her, held her hand and told her I could understand how poorly she felt and how frightening it must be. Dad said that the rest of the family weren't welcome as they got cross with her and made matters worse.
    Anyway, touchwood... things are stable again!:)
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    What a great post, the second I`ve read today, where medication has had a marked effect.

    I hope things continue to be stable for a good while.

    Take care xx
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    That's brilliant news. I'm so glad your mum is now on medication that works, and that your visit went well.

    Congratulations on the way you handled the situation, you obviously got through to her.

    I do hope the improvement continues. Thank you for the update.
     
  11. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    This sentence should be pinned to every notice board, hung around necks etc etc of all social workers, medics, receptionists, CPNs and mental health consultants and more - if only they all understood this !

    Beckyjan
     
  12. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Good News

    Glad to hear that medication is helping.

    It's so nice to hear some good news & long may it continue!

    My Dad is now on medication after many years with nothing & (touch wood!) it appears to have made such a difference to him.

    I wonder if anyone from NICE ever reads these threads to get a real persepctive on things - perhaps we should suggest it !!!!?

    Take care

    Love

    Gill x
     
  13. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Cpn

    Have to say that mum's is great. Don't know quite where to post this to blow the trumpet, but I am so sorry for those of you to whom this does not apply. Here in High Peak, Derbyshire we pay one

    the of highest Council Tax bills in the entire country, never worked out why, but the portion that ends up in the pockets of the CommunitY Health Team is well worth it, as the service given to my mum has been fantastic. I now realise the benefit of paying my council tax.

    Hope you all eventual;ly get the same value out of yours.

    Mind you, not found anything else of worth that they spend my money on!

    Love to all

    Margaret
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.