Hi, I am new to this and could do with some advice please. My Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers 15 months ago he is 82 and Mum is 83. Without wishing to sound unkind, I am struggling to understand how much of Dad's behaviour is due to his condition and how much is him giving himself permission to be a sod. He refuses to wash or shave but if he decides to leave the house he will clean his nails and comb his hair. He seems to be deliberately slow in getting ready to go to appointments so much so that he missed a recent doctors appointment. Due to his medication he is allowed 2.5 pints when he goes out and becomes argumentative when it's time to go home which Mum let's go for a quiet life. I do appreciate things are going to change I just need to understand how best to help them both. Thank you.
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- Thread starter Tititanwitch
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Hello @Tititanwitch you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.
These behaviours are all too common and it’s a truth that people wouldn’t have a diagnosis of dementia if their thinking and behaviors were unaffected. As communication may be a bit of an issue you might get some tips from the thread that can be reached by clicking the following link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.
Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
These behaviours are all too common and it’s a truth that people wouldn’t have a diagnosis of dementia if their thinking and behaviors were unaffected. As communication may be a bit of an issue you might get some tips from the thread that can be reached by clicking the following link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.
Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
Hello @Tititanwitch and welcome to the forum
The problem is the reasoning powers of a PWD is very often completely lost. I hope some of the Alzheimer’s fact sheets and the helpful posts here on the forum are a help to you.
The problem is the reasoning powers of a PWD is very often completely lost. I hope some of the Alzheimer’s fact sheets and the helpful posts here on the forum are a help to you.
Hello @Tititanwitch all of the things that you mentioned are usual with dementia. Most people seem to think that dementia just affects the memory, but it doesnt. In a way the memory is the least of all the problems. Dementia skews your thought patterns and behaviour in a completely illogical way.
If you have a read around on the forums you will see that not washing etc is one of the most common symptoms, although it is equally common for people to do superficial things when they want to go out - like the women putting on perfume or lipstick, or my OH putting on his best overcoat (over dirty jeans and a poloshirt
) when underneath they are not clean, or leave out parts of their hygiene routine, such as shaving, cleaning their teeth or combing their hair.
Likewise, things taking a long time is normal too. Their brain is dying and what is left is overloaded and takes a long time -they have difficulty working out what they have to do. Irritatingly, if they are pushed and hurried it is counterproductive as it confuses them and makes things even harder and longer to do. Also, things like going to appointments can cause huge anxiety for a person with dementia and can be hugely resisted, making it sometimes impossible to get them there. The best thing is just not to tell them where they are going.
Many carers struggle with the issue of alcohol - sometimes its because the person with dementia cannot remember how much they have drunk, sometimes its because they know they dont feel "right" and are trying to self-medicate and sometimes its because they have unfortunately developed an obsession (obsessions are common with dementia) with drinking.
All this behaviour can look on the outside as if it is deliberate and before diagnosis friends and relatives can end up feeling that the person has turned into what the Americans call a "jerk" - I cant think of an equivalent British expression that wouldnt be censored"! They havent, of course - it is the dementia and they are not doing it to be obnoxious.
If you have a read around on the forums you will see that not washing etc is one of the most common symptoms, although it is equally common for people to do superficial things when they want to go out - like the women putting on perfume or lipstick, or my OH putting on his best overcoat (over dirty jeans and a poloshirt
) when underneath they are not clean, or leave out parts of their hygiene routine, such as shaving, cleaning their teeth or combing their hair.Likewise, things taking a long time is normal too. Their brain is dying and what is left is overloaded and takes a long time -they have difficulty working out what they have to do. Irritatingly, if they are pushed and hurried it is counterproductive as it confuses them and makes things even harder and longer to do. Also, things like going to appointments can cause huge anxiety for a person with dementia and can be hugely resisted, making it sometimes impossible to get them there. The best thing is just not to tell them where they are going.
Many carers struggle with the issue of alcohol - sometimes its because the person with dementia cannot remember how much they have drunk, sometimes its because they know they dont feel "right" and are trying to self-medicate and sometimes its because they have unfortunately developed an obsession (obsessions are common with dementia) with drinking.
All this behaviour can look on the outside as if it is deliberate and before diagnosis friends and relatives can end up feeling that the person has turned into what the Americans call a "jerk" - I cant think of an equivalent British expression that wouldnt be censored"! They havent, of course - it is the dementia and they are not doing it to be obnoxious.
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Thank you all for this really useful advice. I think I will be a frequent visitor to the forum as our journey continues.
Hi Tititianwitch, welcome, I'm quite new here too. I think from your post I am in a similar place to you regarding my MIL: on one level I know her behaviours are not 'her' but the disease but on an emotional level it can be hard/impossible not to react with feelings of frustration, annoyance and fear over her behaviours and the things she says. It's a truly terrible disease and seems we, you and I and our LOs, are still really only at the beginning of it.
Hey Sunny_1,I am so relieved to have found this forum. There are so many questions that no one seems to be able to answer that hopefully here someone will have some experience of. My brother has moved in with mum and dad for a while and on one hand its great support for Mum, he has ptsd and low tolerance. Dad seems to delight in what appears to be childish behaviour (swear words,-Dad would never swear in front of Mum mocking and generally being rude) it's almost like his diagnosis has given him permission to behave badly. Andrew takes him to task about it and Dad gets cross. Lots of deep breaths and counting to 10! Hopefully we can both find some answers here. Good luck with it xx
Hello Tititanwitch
I doubt that your Dad is fully aware of what he is saying/doing. Mum is in a nursing home and over the last few months has become very much like an annoying child. The things that she comes out with makes me either blush with embarrassment or wish a hole would open up and swallow me - she was always so quiet and polite to people, but now, similar to your Dad, she is so rude to everyone, swears, hits out at people. It is no good trying to argue with them or ask them to stop because it doesn't work, sometimes distraction will work.
Please do not take this the wrong way, but if your brother has a low tolerance then the whole situation may get worst. My brother's way of coping with my mum when she was at home was to shout and argue with her - it didn't work. I'm sure others will be along with suggestions to help, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone struggling with this awful illness
Most people with dementia have no idea that they have changed (even if they accept the diagnosis - and many dont) and truly believe that their behaviour is quite normal. Their world narrows right down until all they can see is their own needs, wants and comforts and really have no idea how their behaviour affects other people. I think that this change in personality is one of the hardest things to deal with.
It is no use arguing or trying to reason with them - it will only make them angry as in their eyes they have done nothing wrong. You cannot bring them back into reality, so you have to enter their and the way to deal with it is by using Compassionate Communication. Here is a link.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710
It is difficult to do all the time, so think of it more as guidelines, but it does help.
It is no use arguing or trying to reason with them - it will only make them angry as in their eyes they have done nothing wrong. You cannot bring them back into reality, so you have to enter their and the way to deal with it is by using Compassionate Communication. Here is a link.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710
It is difficult to do all the time, so think of it more as guidelines, but it does help.
hello @Tititanwitch and welcome
I notice you wrote this
"it's almost like his diagnosis has given him permission to behave badly."
it's not so much 'given him permission' as that parts of your dad's brain have been damaged by the dementia - so he no longer has the control, the barriers, that most of us have so we don't swear or say exactly what we're thinking, instead we are polite and edit our thoughts before we speak - now those parts aren't working, your dad has no filters - the physical damage to his brain results in these behavoural changes
maybe if your brother begins to understand this, he can hold back from taking your dad to task - it's difficult behaviour to be around at times, but it's not deliberate
I notice you wrote this
"it's almost like his diagnosis has given him permission to behave badly."
it's not so much 'given him permission' as that parts of your dad's brain have been damaged by the dementia - so he no longer has the control, the barriers, that most of us have so we don't swear or say exactly what we're thinking, instead we are polite and edit our thoughts before we speak - now those parts aren't working, your dad has no filters - the physical damage to his brain results in these behavoural changes
maybe if your brother begins to understand this, he can hold back from taking your dad to task - it's difficult behaviour to be around at times, but it's not deliberate
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