New to this, so all contact helpful


Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
Bury, Lancashire
My dad was a minister of religion and died aged 86 last September. Mum is by herself although both myself and brother live within relatively easy driving distance. She was always a bit scatty but after dad died has got progressively worse. Now diagnosed with Altzeihers aftera CT scan and assessment so I'm sure that no difference to most out there.
Our difficulty comes from dad's profession. It now seems that Mum, for many, many years only attended church and functions as it was seen as the duty of the vicar's wife to do so. Now by herself she doesn't want to "join" anything and wants to do her own thing. This memory is deep seated and the short term memory loss does not affect this feeling.
Try as we may to get her involved with other things, she refuses. It has been a struggle to get her to go to the day hospital for assessment as it also has surfaced that she suffers from a kind of agrophobia and going to new places and meeting new people.
All these things were hidden by dad as he thought he was being kind to her. She gets very anxious if she has to do anything new. A simple visit to the clinic will bring forth over 20 phone calls to my number alone.
Either myself or brother see her most days, Social services now go in every day for a short time, we pay a cleaner to go in once a week and she has week-day meals on wheels yet the phone bill last quarter showed nearly 900 local calls.
She is also 80% deaf and will not listen to the radio, watches TV only in bed (where she feels safe and has no problems thankfully) will not read, knit or do any activity which related back to dad. He would sit in the kitchen watercolour painting as she knitted or cross-stitched in the lounge. But all that has stopped. She desperately wants to stay in "Her" home but we cannot bring enough services to her. So not sure how to proceed. We have talked about he coming to either me or my brother but she is still aware of the situation and doesn't want to. Neither our homes would be suitable anyway as we live in an old rural area with extremely hilly access which would make her almost housebound.
Everytime I see her she is in tears as she knows that something is wrong but she doesn;t know what to do about it.
I know that many out there are in much worse states than me but my partner (who is very supportive) said that the society may be able to help.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
Hi Steve,
I'm new to all this too so cannot advise you how to proceed. My mother's stuation is different (Dad is still alive) but moving into a Hostel has been the best thing for her (and for us as her children). It was a wrench for them to leave their home (but fortunately they had left our childhood home when they retired 20 years ago, so it wasn't as big a wrench as that might have been). But the sheer fact of no longer having to take responsibility or make decisions has been a huge relief to Mum, who (like your Mum by the sound of what you've written) still knows much of what is going on.

My Mum does not fear going out, but in your mother's case there might also be a great comfort to be gained from not ever having to leave the facility (except in case of serious illness) because all the services come to the Hostel. I live in Australia so don't know if the same applies where you live.

As with all really difficult life situations I think each of us wants someone to tell us what is the right (or best) thing to do, and sadly, no-one can do this for us. But I have learnt a great deal from reading this site and found lots of answers - some unexpected ones! [Just today I've been reading about people with V.AD feeling very cold - Mum has just started to complain bitterly of the cold at times when it is quite warm or the rest of us.] It really helps to read what others say and try to make sense of a situation that is really not based on sense!

May you and your brother find a solution that suits your mother and yourselves. I'll be thinking of you.