New to this site! Angry, bitter and twisted!!!

[vul885]

Not sure why I am here really! My mother in law has dementia. I am a nurse and used to vist her at least once a week. About 4 years ago, I became increasingly concerned as she was forgetting lots of things etc. Her husband (a controlling bully) was still working full time at 78 not because he needed to financially at all so she was left all day 6 days a week on her own.

I pleaded with him to allow me to take her to the GP. After all the tests etc dementia was diagnosed. they lived in a big 6 bed house in the middle of nowhere. I asked if they wanted to move closer to us or we could move in with them or build a house near to help out. He didn't want us to do anything.

She was prescribed Aricept but kept on forgetting to take it as no one was monitoring her. To cut a long story short we have now moved abroad as I had a good job offfer. he now looks after her full time. However, she is like a lost sheep. He does not guide her in any which way or form. She just follows aimlessly behind him. I last saw her in Nove last year but my husband speaks to his dad twice a week on the webcam. She has lost half her body weight. He 'allows' a carer in every other day to attend to personal matters washing etc. She cannot do hardly anything independently apart from wander. She barely recongnises us.

He locks her in the bedroom when he does the gardening. She has been found three times 2 miles away from where they live.

I am just bitter that things could have been different. We could have lived nearby and helped manage her. He is the type of person that you only start eating when he does, you only sit down when he does. My husband has accepted this and does not complain! This is normal to him!

We are going to stay with them at Christmas time and i am dreading it.

What is the answer to a person like this??? I have never ever seen any affection between them in 20 years not even a 'peck on the cheek' .

I just wish I could have helped before we moved but was not 'allowed'

sorry, just getting things off my chest!

 

[Grannie G]

What is the answer to a person like this??? !

There is no answer. Your father-in-law sounds stubborn and too proud to ask for or accept help. But he did stop work to stay at home with your mother-in-law and however misguided it might be to lock her in at times, if she wanders it puts her at risk.

All I can say is your husband accepts the relationship and personality of his father, as you say, it is normal to him.

When you visit at Christmas, try to concentrate on helping out generally and unobtrusively.

Please don`t think I`m being critical of you. I do understand your frustration. It is hard to witness what is seen as inadequate care. But no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and basic characters and personalities cannot change.

Take care xx

 

[jc141265]

As an outside observer for many years I was angry, bitter and twisted as I witnessed my treatment of my father by my mother. But then one day when he had been put in hospital in isolation for a week, due to violent behaviour which I suspected at the time had resulted from the ongoing pushing and pulling that was my parents volatile relationship, I witnessed something that made me rethink everything. I had visited Dad everyday that week whilst and witnessed his devestation and hurt at being locked in the hospital room. And I took heart that my visits brought him a little comfort, but then came the day that my mother was finally allowed to come and get him (she had not been allowed to visit him) and to see his face and hers, that day...the tears of joy that ran down his cheeks as he hugged her and she too cried. And thats when I realised I needed to let go.
It was hard to do, but I had to accept that before my Dad was ill he had chosen my mother as the woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. I had to accept that although to me she seemed to treat him badly, he had known who she was for many many years and knew her far more intimately as a person than I ever could even though I was their daughter. Even though I thought he deserved better I had to accept that I could not understand two people and their feelings for each other when they had lived together for so long. In the end I decided to accept it because it was clear to me that day, that no matter what the circumstances it was Mum who brought him true joy despite all the other horrible stuff. Sometimes I think that if two people have lived so long with each other and despite it all have stayed together then even that bad stuff that we as outsiders see in them, is exactly what they wanted/needed to balance out something imperfect in themselves.
But that was just the situation I saw, for my family circumstances, if it is completely different for you then you have every right to tell me that I am an idiot and should just keep my mouth shut. The only reason I posted as I did, is in case it might be the same as I too felt as you did, I desperately wished I could rescue my Dad but in the end I realised that he didn't want all my love and care...he wanted the woman he loved despite how mean she could be....just as he always had before the disease.
And please believe me, I am not saying you shouldn't feel the way you do, you are very tender hearted person and your mother in law is lucky that you care so much for her. I just thought I would tell you my story, because I remember how hard it is to feel the way you do, but I also remember that that day of realisaton, and how acceptance of the situation ended up improving everything. Because finally my acceptance allowed me to open my heart to mum, recognise the reasons why Dad wanted her care despite often being hurt by her...and as a result I began to work with Mum instead of against her, and surprise surprise with support and love from me, her care for Dad became far more caring. Nowadays I have nothing but praise for all her hard work, not because she was always a good carer but because of who she has become.

 

[vul885]

Thanks for your kind response Nat. Much appreciated!

 

[vul885]

There is no answer. Your father-in-law sounds stubborn and too proud to ask for or accept help. But he did stop work to stay at home with your mother-in-law and however misguided it might be to lock her in at times, if she wanders it puts her at risk.

All I can say is your husband accepts the relationship and personality of his father, as you say, it is normal to him.

When you visit at Christmas, try to concentrate on helping out generally and unobtrusively.

Please don`t think I`m being critical of you. I do understand your frustration. It is hard to witness what is seen as inadequate care. But no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and basic characters and personalities cannot change.

Take care xx

Hi Sylvia

thanks for your response. I don't think you are critical. you are correct you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

He only stopped work to look after her because he is 80! I am not saying this is a negative way. He needs looking after himself. It is just a 'time bomb' situation before something goes off. And all we do is just sit here and wait for him to fall, break a hip, she needs care etc. Just waiting .....powerless to do anything.

kind regards

 

[Grannie G]

Hello vul

Your Father-in -law probably does need looking after but you can`t help someone who won`t be helped. False pride, I call it.
You will probably have to sit around and wait to pick up the pieces. Sad, but so true of many old and proud people.

Love xx