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New to this forum and to dementia Help me.

Dharako

New member
Feb 10, 2020
2
0
My lovely, bright intelligent husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers two days before lockdown. It was a shock since my husband and I run our own business and he was active in it until the diagnosis. All our business staff and I knew he had lapses of memory but technically he was sound until the diagnosis. Since the diagnosis he has declined very very rapidly. I am his carer now and am struggling to accept the diagnosis and deal with it. I am continuing to run the business because our staff have been very loyal to us and we would like to honour their loyalty by not closing the business in the current climate.
My husband is physically fit and cycles for miles on cycle paths away from cars and people traffic every day- surprisingly he does not get lost. Our children have supplied him with a device which he carries so that they can keep track of where is cycling. He is not able to use a mobile phone any more. He also struggles to speak.
I am really struggling, feeling alone and keep getting angry with him which I know is totally wrong. How have you all come to terms with your partners illness? I have read so much literature including scientific theories and understand his illness. The only consultation we have had we with a neurologist is via a 10 minute phone consultation. I feel I am grieving the loss of my soul mate and then feel guilty because he is here and physically well.
Any practical advise please will be most welcome.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,304
0
69
Dundee
Welcome to the forum.

I’m so sorry to read about your husband and understand how devastating this must be.

I remember losing my temper with my husband. I think it’s natural. Some members have found this thread useful -


I’m glad you have found this forum. You’ll get lots of help and support here.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,356
0
Just to repeat Izzy's comment, stick with us, don't be afraid to ask any questions, they all have answers!

Bod
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,535
0
My lovely, bright intelligent husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers two days before lockdown. It was a shock since my husband and I run our own business and he was active in it until the diagnosis. All our business staff and I knew he had lapses of memory but technically he was sound until the diagnosis. Since the diagnosis he has declined very very rapidly. I am his carer now and am struggling to accept the diagnosis and deal with it. I am continuing to run the business because our staff have been very loyal to us and we would like to honour their loyalty by not closing the business in the current climate.
My husband is physically fit and cycles for miles on cycle paths away from cars and people traffic every day- surprisingly he does not get lost. Our children have supplied him with a device which he carries so that they can keep track of where is cycling. He is not able to use a mobile phone any more. He also struggles to speak.
I am really struggling, feeling alone and keep getting angry with him which I know is totally wrong. How have you all come to terms with your partners illness? I have read so much literature including scientific theories and understand his illness. The only consultation we have had we with a neurologist is via a 10 minute phone consultation. I feel I am grieving the loss of my soul mate and then feel guilty because he is here and physically well.
Any practical advise please will be most welcome.
I am so very sorry. Is your husband in the early onset category? under 65? This rapidity sometimes happens then. Please dont feel bad about getting angry, we have all been there!
that is so good about keeping the business going like you do. You mention practical advice. Which areas would you like? What kind of support? Warmest, Kindred
 

Dharako

New member
Feb 10, 2020
2
0
I am so very sorry. Is your husband in the early onset category? under 65? This rapidity sometimes happens then. Please dont feel bad about getting angry, we have all been there!
that is so good about keeping the business going like you do. You mention practical advice. Which areas would you like? What kind of support? Warmest, Kindred
Thank you for your kind words of support. Quite honestly, I myself can not comprehend what sort of support I am or should be looking for. Currently it is emotional support I guess. Everyday I notice a decline and get upset. My OH is 71 years old.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,002
0
South coast
Hi @Dharako
I think the time around diagnosis is always very emotional and it is easy to get overwhelmed. Prior to diagnosis there is the element of doubt, you can explain away all the odd things that he does and persuade yourself that everything is OK. After the diagnosis there is no doubt and its as if your eyes are opened to everything that is going on.
I feel I am grieving the loss of my soul mate and then feel guilty because he is here and physically well.
No need for guilt - its called anticipatory grief and is something we have all had to deal with. Its not just the lost of the person either, its the loss of all our hopes, plans and dreams too. My OH is 64 - we should be planning our retirement, where we would like to go and what to see and spending time with the grandchildren. Instead Im deal with carers, catheters and piles of washing - and he doesnt go anywhere :rolleyes:

I suspect that the anger is fuelled by fear of the unknown. I recommend that you take each day as it comes and try not to look too far ahead. Literature and scientific papers will only take you so far. Yes, knowing the theory behind what is happening helps me to accept the challenges, but nothing replaces advice from people who have walked and are still walking this path. I have learned so much from this forum. You can ask anything and someone will know the answer.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,189
0
Scotland
Start by putting a POA in place either through a solicitor or by downloading the forms and doing it yourself. Register immediately for use when necessary. It really is very important.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
304
0
I'm sorry to hear your news, you will find lots of support here, I spent many hours reading posts when I first started the process with my mum several years ago.

One thing that helped me with the overwhelm of practical problems, was drawing a massive mind map on a huge piece of paper which allowed multiple threads to all the problems , and possible solutions.

It just calmed me down as I could think about separate issues I needed to deal with and I could come back to it, and tick off things like POA , pensions, day care etc as I dealt with them.

One thing that struck me was that you felt you needed to keep your business running out of loyalty to your staff.

You are going through a lifechanging experience, you need to take care of yourself if you are going to cope with what lies ahead. Learning to put my own needs before other people's was another hurdle in my own journey.
Sending a virtual hug your way.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
235
0
Hi @Dharako it is indeed a life changing experience, but please keep posting here for information, advice or a rant. I am only 4 yrs in and although my OH is 81, he had to retire from his own garage business, which he would still be running if not for Alzheimer’s. I take it one day at a time, because every day is different, a bit like Groundhog Day, because he never remembers yesterday, so he won’t remember I was angry at him, but I do. Get as much help as you can, attendance allowance, reduction in council tax, and possibly carers allowance as well, and get a POA in place. And remember that you are important to.