• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

New to this forum, am struggling

Stayingalive

Registered User
Nov 24, 2019
23
My husband was diagnosed 3.5 years ago now, he was verbally and physically aggressive my life was a nightmare I would cry most days as I couldn’t cope with him. He was under the mental health team who gave him mementine at first and it did work well for about 6 months. He has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. They then tried antidepressants which helped a bit they did make him sleep more so i got a rest. Then it was risperidone which calmed him down and did help with the aggression. But it didn’t last and the dose had to be increased every 3 months.

He is now in a care home and is quite settled, I don’t think he would be totally happy anywhere now. But I feel better I have control over my life and can go out spend time with my baby grandson which he didn’t want me to give anyone attention other than him.

he is clean now and more talkative.
Guzelle it's useful to read your post. My husband tried several different meds before being settled on Memantine, then recently he was becoming aggressive and not sleeping so they introduced Risperidone which helped, but his behaviour remains very unpredictable. His consultant is coming out to review him because of his sleeping issues and because he recently left the house in vest, pants and socks in the middle of the night and wandered around for some time. The mental health nurse told me that he wouldn't get a place in a care home because his behaviour would be seen as too challenging, so I'd have to battle on at home until he went to a secure psychiatric unit. That's plunged me into a depression as I'm not sure I can go on with being woken at 2am, 3am, 4am and 5am every night. I'm trying to arrange respite care for a week at a time at a local home, but I'm worried that we'll be refused a place. Wonder if anyone else has had this experience?
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,822
Nottinghamshire
@Stayingalive I think your mental health nurse is being very negative. What you need for your husband is an EMI carehome which specialises in dementia. The one my dad was in managed nighttime wandering and aggressive behaviour and took in in their stride.

When you arrange respite find out what behaviours the carehome won't tolerate and be very honest about your husband's behaviour. From what I've read he's not bad enough for a secure phychiatric hospital but he does need a secure carehome so he can't escape.

Good luck with finding somewhere soon. You sound as though you need a break!
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
417
Sheffield
I would try different homes as the home my husband is in is very secure. They don’t tolerate physical aggression if it’s happening all the time. Try the respite you do need a break.
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
72
My OH(PWD) has been aggressive & hit me on occasions.He is in hospital at the moment
& I have told them I don't want him home as I can't cope with him I have just had a call from the social worker in the hospital & she said as the property we live in is jointly owned I can't refuse to have him home as he has told her he wants to go home.She said I could always move out
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
80
In desperation one solution would be to see a solicitor and have an injunction issued against your husband because of his violence both physical and verbal. (Coercive behaviours is an offence) I know it’s the disease not him but if he were fully fit behaving like this then you would be seeing a solicitor to ensure your safety. It may be enough to tell the social worker that you are taking steps for an injunction to keep him out of the property. Either way I would take legal advice and stop SS in their tracks.
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
31
Hi Wakky, I too am new to this site, not a club we want to be a member of, but knowledge and support gives you strength. Before my partner was diagnosed I thought of leaving, his personality changed, or maybe more accurately his faults were exaggerated. It was almost a relief to get the diagnosis. Anxiety was through the roof, small problems became massive and totally out of proportion. I didn’t know where to turn. I went to the gp and poured my story to her. The end result was medication for my partner, mirtazapine, an anti depressant but also aids sleep. It was a life saver. I won’t hesitate to go back if I feel the meds need increased etc. I’m sure you will find a way through , it helps to know you are not alone.
Hello Rubina,
your partner seems to be diagnosed about the same time as mine? I didn't think it would help to talk to others "in the same boat", but it does. Thank you
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
31
A small piece of advice, but something I have found helpful:
Saying "no" to my OH was like waving a red rag to a bull, so what I do is never use the word "no", even if I was actually saying no. I start the sentence with saying "yes" and then say what I have to eg yes, we can do [x, y or z] tomorrow (when he wants to go NOW..
He used to be obsessed with the thought that I was trying to control him and every time we had a discussion, if I dared to have a different idea, he would interpret it as me telling him what to think. I have pretty much stopped talking to him now unless it is something that he needs to know and he does not tell me anything much unless I ask him, so there is a lot of silence now, but at least he no longer rages at me.
Hello.
He sounds like my partner, who says i am arguing if I pass a random comment. The nurse came this week and I told her i was upset and anxious about his aggressive behaviour. She suggested stopping his meds for a week, or trying a different one, but he wanted to stay on the same meds, though not increase the dose. I felt as though she was having a go at me as she said I was challenging him (eg by asking if he had taken his meds or suggesting that he had forgotten to take them) She said if he misses one, throw it away!!! She ignored the fact that I told her, out of earshot of my husband, that after a particularly nasty episode, I stayed up until 2 am and when I went to bed I thought," I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I would rather just die". I would never do anything stupid, but if this is how I feel and he is in "the early stages" how on earth am I going to look after him through it all? Like you, I am trying not to comment now. I would be interested to know how long since your partner was diagnosed if you feel you could tell me.
Thank you for your advice.
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
31
Thank you for your kind reply (am crying again!) Yes, it does seem to have happened since he started the Donepezil. The nurse is coming on the 16th January to review the dose as she was unwilling to increase to 10mg due to a couple of side effects. I will try to speak to her alone as I know he hates me talking about things.
Well, I spoke to the nurse in private, and basically it's my fault as he sees me as challenging him! If he misses his meds, I am to throw them away. As he wants to stay on the same meds, she will not try anything different. I felt demoralised after her visit to be honest. She said now that he is on the meds and the decision has been made to leave them at the current dose, we are now discharged, so I am on my own. ( As I think we all are in the end)
I do thank everyone here for reading my posts and replying so kindly.
 

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