1. Annie21

    Annie21 Registered User

    Apr 11, 2015
    13
    Hello everyone, I've joined the forum today as I feel that I desperately want to communicate with other people going through the same experiences as I am at the moment.
    I'm in my late forties and live with my daughter of 22 (just the two of us since she was very small). My mother (88) has huge anxiety issues and the GP has now said that she has dementia. Two years ago my mother came to live with us for a while...following some alterations to our house, disabled bath fitted etc...., but then returned home. This happened four times during a 12 month period, she craves her independence. Due to her anxiety the last time she came to live with us she couldn't handle being in our house alone for 4 hours at a time when I was working (no/or little dementia at this stage). She therefore decided that she wanted to go into sheltered accommodation. She has now been in the Warden Controlled Flat for 13 months and has found it very hard to settle. She has a lovely bright, modern, spacious flat and clean welcoming communal area. Her main problem is that she is lonely, as most of the residents apart from 1 or 2, keep very much to themselves. Over the last year my mother's health has deteriorated and has had many falls. I have very recently decided that the combination is drugs she is taking for depression and anxiety is to blame and since asking for the number to be reduced she doesn't seem to be falling ....I'm so annoyed with myself for not spotting the problem earlier.
    My mother's behaviour is very different when I am with her and when she is in the building on her own. I have even wondered whether it is to the point of being an attachment disorder. When I'm not there she paces the corridors looking for people to talk to and constantly rings the care call cords saying she has fallen (when she usually hasn't) just to get me to go there....yes, with the ambulance! I tried living with her but it didn't work, but it's as if she wants me to be practically living there with her. I have ME, so limited energy, and run my own business...I don't have a social life, but do have lots of supportive friends at the end of the phone if I need them, it's just that they don't understand what I'm going through.
    If I'm with my mother she is much calmer, so I feel very guilty when I'm not with her as I know I can make things better. My most recent difficulty is that my daughter has told me that the way I am with my Mum is destroying the relationship that my daughter and I have. She says that she never sees me and we can't arrange to go for a day shopping or an evening out together as I'm always contacted by Care Call (from my mother pulling the cards in her flat). She says it's as if I have pushed her away. Although she is 22, as it has been just the two of us for such a long time she misses what we had and resents my mother for what she is unwittingly doing. I feel pulled between the two of them and I'm getting more and more upset about it.
    As my Mum's behaviour is difficult for the other residents where she lives and she isn't happy there, the Social Worker and CPN have suggested that she should move into a residential home. I have visited lots in the area and have found one that I feel would be suitable. I'm very uncomfortable about the whole idea, but I know that she would be safer there (choking episodes, falls etc) and would have people around her. We are now top of the waiting list for the next bed. My Mum is keen to go, because she will have more company, but I envisage lots of problems ahead. I don't think the other residents will be able to cope with her agitation and her inability to sit for any length of time (we tried a week of respite somewhere else and that was a problem) and I'm so worried that my Mum will feel abandoned by me. She telephones me constantly and I am there 2 -3 times a day at the moment as she begs me to go there. I'm very close to her which makes things even harder and apart from my daughter and I there's no one else to take a turn. When my daughter speaks to my Mum on the phone or visits her she just asks for me, it's very sad.
    The home is residential, not EMI as the Social Worker feels my Mother should cope there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,246
    Female
    England
    Hello Annie and welcome to Talking Point.

    Before your Mum is accepted by a care home they will assess your Mum to make sure they can manage her care. If you are present at the assessment then you can tell them of your Mum's attachment problem and let them know of any other behaviour she is displaying that you think may be a problem. They really need to know everything so they can assess correctly. It is better to be rejected now than your Mum to be accepted and then for them to turn round and ask you to find somewhere else for your Mum because they cannot cope.

    It really does sound that your Mum would benefit from the company within a care home and the 24/7 care she will get. You too will bed fit, you with time for yourself and your daughter getting her Mum back.

    Please use the forum for support and let us know how you get on.
     
  3. Carer Bear

    Carer Bear Registered User

    Apr 11, 2015
    3
    Hello Annie, I'm new to the forum too and just wanted to sympathise as my mother also has an attachment issue with me. It is a huge pressure and like you, I know how much better she is when I can be there. The guilt of letting her be worse while I do something else is very stressful. I'm lucky that my kids have each other and their dad to fill in when I get called away but I still feel our family life has been affected. On the positive side, I also feel they have learnt to consider the needs of others and gained a good deal of life experience from the situation, they will be more rounded adults who understand it can't always be about them. I think the care home is a great idea if your mum is willing. I feel it may benefit my mum but she is totally phobic about CHs so it will be a dark day when she is so bad I no longer have a choice. Please enjoy the time the CH gives you with your daughter, you've earnt it.
     

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