New to the forum and finding life difficult

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by barnsleynanna, Mar 25, 2015.

  1. barnsleynanna

    barnsleynanna Registered User

    Mar 25, 2015
    4
    Hi all. My father died at the end of January, leaving behind my 81 year old mother, who has Parkinson's disease. She has ALWAYS been a very difficult woman, and always quite aggressive with myself. She's recently had a memory mini cog done and has been referred to mental health team as well, who are awaiting results from an ecg and ct scan she's having. I've been driving one and a half hours each Wednesday to care for her, returning home to Yorkshire on Fridays. The first 7 weeks she was fine .. perhaps realising she'd better be 'nice' as I am the only one who can look after her. However, 2 weeks ago, the old nasty aggression returned. She slaps me, insults me, and basically treats me like a 14 year old. I'm trying to patient as she may have dementia as well as Parkinson's, but it is very, very difficult, as she's been aggressive towards my late father and myself for donkey's years. She ordered me out of her house the other day and I told her that I would only go back if she asked me to do. I know I have a duty to her, but how long can I keep taking the abuse?????
     
  2. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    Unfortunately I think you are the only person who can answer that question. It's you that's on the receiving end, but as you say, nothing new. I think you should speak to her GP and explain things as you have here, and how you can't take it much longer.

    Try Social Services, explain to them and ask for help. You have a duty to yourself, as well as your mother, you have a life too. Good luck.
     
  3. barnsleynanna

    barnsleynanna Registered User

    Mar 25, 2015
    4
    I've contacted Social Services, and they are sending someone to assess her, but whether she will 'allow it' or not, I don't know. I've made the difficult decision to stay away for a couple of weeks. Some good neighbours are keeping an eye on her ....
     
  4. Pottingshed50

    Pottingshed50 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2012
    514
    Unfortunately aggression is part and parcel of Alzheimer's Dementia and can be very disturbing for the person on the receiving end. You have done the right thing by contacting SS and if they get involved along with the GP , I would think it likely that her meds will be reassessed. No you dont have to put up with anyone being aggressive. Let us know how you get on with the assessment but as they may take a while getting around to doing just that, please contact Mum's GP asap. Dont be fobbed off by anyone and insist you need to speak to someone about this.

    Thinking of you.
     
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,740
    Female
    London
    You do NOT have a duty to care for your mother. The only one with a duty of care are social services, and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise! If you can't do it, you can't do it, end of, and no one should judge you for it. It's good you got the ball rolling, stay strong and insist on help.
     
  6. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,257
    Hi barnsleynanna:)

    It's horrible, isn't it. My mum is in a care home now and fine towards me but we've had a difficult relationship and when she started being abusive (this was caused by her illness) I ended up being quite firm in not putting up with it. Like you, going to see her involved me having a long drive, and was often important as she'd be in a freezing cold house with a fridge full of rotten food, and if I didn't do what I could nobody else would. But even after sitting in traffic for god knows how long, if I arrived to one of her aggressive moods, I'd give her the opportunity to snap out of it (distract etc) but if she continued I'd leave. Sometimes I'd be in and out of her house in minutes.

    I know that all that was caused by the disease but I flatly refuse to be an emotional punchbag for anyone or anything, including Alzheimer's. Some people can deal with it, and hats off to them, but it took me too long to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child (and later in life because of that difficult start) to open myself to it again. As it is, caring for my mum as much as I was allowed to took an enormous toll on my health anyway, and probably considerably shortened my lifespan.

    So please don't think that you have to put up with it. You don't. You can do the right thing by organizing whatever care she will accept and if, like my mum, she doesn't accept any, keep an eye on her as much as you can without putting yourself in the firing line.

    To end on a positive, my mum is doing very well in residential care and is very loving towards me these days. Happy to see me, pleased with the treats I bring her, when we sit together she cuddles up. I'm grateful for that.

    Edit - just to make it clear, my mum wasn't the one who abused me when I was little.
     
  7. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    Beate

    I always felt that I did have a duty of care for my aged parents and acted accordingly, not always easy, but thank goodness nothing like barnsleynana has put up with. They were the ones who cared for me, but we obviously all think differently, each to their own.
     
  8. joanna49

    joanna49 Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    4
    Middlesex
    Toxic narciissic parents.

    Joined this site today not sure what I was looking for really but these posts are the nearest thing I could find in relation to the extreme bitterness and anger that I have to learn to deal with soon.
    Try to keep it short as possible[not easy!] My father,86 in August has vascular dementia my mother 83 has minor heart probs and blood pressure issues but has been told that she is actually in quite good shape for her age and has a mind as sharp as a tack. This information however does not suit her narcissistic personality and she makes endless journeys to AandE usually on a friday night hoping they'll keep her in for the weekend. They never find anything wrong and have now referred her to the mental health unit at Tolworth Hospital. Shes not made any of these appointments declaring she's too ill to get there. My father is in respite at the moment at the cost of a grand a week. He was supposed to go in for a few days to give my mum a break from him, he is extremely difficult and aggressive, but my mum now wants him to go on to a permanent care home as even with home carers he has become to challenging for her. I have had a terrible childhood with my parents, they were never remotely interested in neither my sister or I, moaned endlessly about what a drain we had both been and how they should never have had any children. the only use my father had for me was unpaid labour breaking in his young horses, horsemanship being the only good quality he had to pass on and a love of all animals! although always comfortable they never helped myself or my sister financially in any way even in times of serious hardship showed any interest in Grandchildren in fact the list is too endless. Before his dementia they never pulled together and spent years squabbling spitefully over the most trivial things, endlessly whining on the phone about how awful the other was. As you can see nice people!!
    I couldn't care less what happens to my father or what hellhole he ends up in, really couldn't care less what goes around comes around he can rot. My mum obviously feels the same as she has visited him once in a whole month. Prior to him being admitted my sister was doing an awful lot of shopping and stuff for her despite being newly retired and not in the best health herself. This came to head when my dad became unable to get to the post office for the pension, needless to say my mother was "infirm!" My sister offered to go for them as a representative only to be told my mum" controlled the money and he'd never let anyone touch it!" My sis was terribly hurt and has completely cut them out of her life probably permanently.
    My mother having now lost her free skivvy now expects me to fill the gap. I work extremely hard all day in all weathers in my dog walking business yet she wants me to go rushing around for her after work. I'm just to tired on workdays, I offered to help out at weekends but thats no good as I will be disturbing her afternoons c4 racing. She would rather pay the council to do the shopping more waste. We have also had it drummed into us for years that there will be no inheritance for us as she intended to spend the whole lot on herself in some sort of fantasy luxury care home by the sea.
    Obviously the best laid plans always go wrong as there is the minor problem of my dad still alive. The only bit of entertainment value in the whole of this sorry saga is to see her pot of gold sinking a little lower every week even the social worker thinks its funny. Please, please, please not many more years of this preferably months, weeks.....







    i
     
  9. joanna49

    joanna49 Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    4
    Middlesex
    Well said!
     
  10. joanna49

    joanna49 Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    4
    Middlesex
    Honey she's had her life don't allow her to spoil one more minute of yours xx
     
  11. MerryWive

    MerryWive Registered User

    Mar 20, 2015
    55
    Toxic Parents


    Hi Joanna, I am probably not best placed to comment, but I have some little insight into this kind of situation as my Father in Law is somewhat of a narcissistic personality, I just wanted to mention in case it is of interest to you and of course the OP who has some similar issues - there is a great book called Toxic Parents which you can look up, it helps you to work through these feelings of anger, bitterness etc so they don't eat you up. As I am sure you are aware, your parents are still controlling you to some extent even though you say you couldn't care less, the emotions are extremely intense.

    There is also a forum on Reddit called Raised By Narcissists which may be of interest if you are looking to share experience with people who have dealt with similar stuff?

    As for Barnsleynanna
    If anyone treated a 14 year old like that I would be quite alarmed!! As other posters have said, you do not have to put up with anything. Make sure your own needs are acknowledged and met before attending to anyone elses.
     
  12. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    No one has to put up with abuse, either verbal or physical. If standing up for yourself involves not being in contact with someone who offers that abuse, it's your decision and you should be at peace with it. Be strong, be at peace.
     
  13. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    It's so sad to read how some children have been treated by their parents. I was obviously very lucky, and I can quite understand how some of you feel now. My heart goes out to those who have suffered in the past. Hoping that in the future you find some sort of release from your past pain.
     
  14. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,257
    Ha, this really struck a chord with me. After my MiL was widowed I found myself doing all sorts of things to help her out. She has various health issues but could do lots more for herself than she does, but she likes the attention of someone running errands for her, so I slowly got sucked into doing more and more.

    Then two things happened. I couldn't do the 2 to 3 hour round trip to take her to a hospital appointment 15 minutes down the road from her and suggested she takes a taxi. She's well off, but said she didn't want to spend the money. I said she gets her Attendance Allowance to help out with things like that and she said she was saving it for treats for her garden etc. Good job my petrol costs me nothing, I thought... And then she wanted some shopping doing and the only time I could come with it was right in the middle of the day, instead of having my lunch as it happened. I was told that she has her lunch on the dot every day as her body expects it and it won't be convenient to drop her shopping off until an hour or so after the time I said.

    I do next to nothing for her now.
     
  15. joanna49

    joanna49 Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    4
    Middlesex
    Ha ha this really cheered me up, expected to be slated on here as an inheritance impatient *****, but now feel i'm not alone in my feelings! Tee Hee the garden spending plan is priceless, all my dads hard earned cash is going down the swanny yet she still refuses to help family at all but always makes sure the garden is done for the spring and she wastes a small fortune in holland and barret but buys cheapest ready meals from asda saying the others are pure luxury and too dear! Had a call from her 15 mins ago she's thinking of going to a and e yet again for some **** and bull reason I said i had my own probs today as have to go back to work Monday and am still weak as a kitten from being in bed with flu all week. Snapped back suddenly sounding surprisingly well recovered that she wasn't interested in anybody else and all this was my fault as if I had married somebody rich I wouldn't still be working and would be free to see to her! We couldn't make it up could we? At this rate she'll outlive the lot of us, I reckon she's got at least 100 stamped all over her! Joanna P.S You did make me laugh.
     
  16. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,257
    Right back at you! :D

    I love what we end up getting blamed for. :eek:
     

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