New to the forum, advice welcome

[Candycrush]

Hi all,
Mum has Vascular Dementia, diagnosed in October last year and in the middle stages. She is 83 and being cared for at home by Dad who is 89. She goes to a day centre twice per week but Dad is now struggling to cope, the phone calls are becoming more frequent, were just in the evenings but now at any time of the day. Mum goes back to a time and place where she lived years ago. Its always the same thing, wanting to know where her husband is, even though he is there with her, often keeps a dinner back for him, packs carrier bags ready to go home etc. Dad wont admit he is struggling, far too proud for that and I think deep down he worries that Mum will be taken away from him. The CPN has suggested respite care, Dad says hes fine and doesn't need it. I ve tried explaining to him that we need to put something in place before we get to a crisis point which I feel is not far away. Its just so heartbreaking, dementia is so cruel. Also, they are self-funding and I have been told that because of this, there is an expectation that the family will arrange any care, respite or otherwise, that needs to be put in place. Just don't know where to start! Thanks for reading this.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi Candycrush and welcome, sorry you're going through this difficult time, it sure is a steep learning curve, but there's a wealth of knowledge, experience and support here.

Your poor dad is trying so hard to keep the shreds of the life he had with your mum intact, and I can't imagine the pain of facing such a separation. And I know the stress you're under as well because you're trying to be strong and help both your parents.

My best piece of advice is to definitely work towards some respite as soon as possible. There is nothing worse than trying to get things organised in a crisis. We put off putting Dad into respite for so long because we just couldn't bear the thought of leaving him with strangers but we hit a crisis and everything snowballed. Our family was thrown into chaos and Mum's health was suffering dreadfully too. We ended up having to find a permanent care home for him in a panic and it was a nightmare.

Maybe start by gently suggesting to your dad that if he becomes ill because of the strain it may mean permanent care for your mum. He might be more open to the notion of respite if it avoids the alternative. Or perhaps even some carers coming in to help wherever possible.

I hope you find a way to help your mum and dad, they're lucky to have a caring child.

Stephanie