Things have deteriorated. Mums patch was increased to the next level and things were okish. Then she had a couple more very bad episodes this week. She is now afraid of Dad and the prospect of sleeping together. The doctor has decreased the patch dose and suggested extra Risperidone when she is agitated. I've had a week off on stress leave. Barely slept for weeks so am a wreak. Mum didn't want to stay at home with dad tonight so I brought her to my place (rental). Dad has said he will leave as he is causing the problem - he is 84! My sister and I work full time and it's just us. No husband's. The thing is mum is quite good throughout the day, even if she doesn't know Dad all the time. We have given up telling her that dad is her husband. There is no way she would go into care voluntarily. The only thing I can think of with my fried brain is to stay over at their place a few nights a week and mum come to me a few nights. If I left my job I wouldn't get back into the workforce - I am 48. Mum won't accept anyone she doesn't know coming in to help her with social things or going to the shops. We are all beyond our wit's end. I just can't see any way out of this situation.
The whole ' non recognition' factor can fluctuate, dependent on the level of dementia and depth of loss of short term memory. Often there can be remarkable clarity when very early " memories " become the present norm and living reality for the one living with dementia.
Also it is not deceitful to 'manipulate ' the interaction in order to realise a ' connection'. I.e. Instead of " But l am your xx?" ( husband, wife, daughter etc) one can say " Yes, she or he told me that they are coming this afternoon " or in acknowledging the challenge to your identity in a positive manner, albeit false, can sometimes prove constructive. So next time one enters the room there is recognition, even if recognition of a different kind as per before the disease. You can NEVER challenge a dementia mind and that lesson is soon learned. But you can adapt, deviate or " trick " legitimately so as to bring about that sense of belonging. Because behind all the plaques and tangles and unfamiliar behaviour, resides the REAL person. However hard, however utterly exasperating hold onto that truth and reserve the contempt for the disease.
Dementia is an often subtle and unpredictable beast because it evolves from an unfathomable and complex mind beset with interference, damage. But l have seen a sudden spark of recognition/ realisation come about via a familiar tune, a name or an image on a television screen. Go forth day to day and let tomorrow be, because it never actually comes - yet remains so often a source of anxiety and expectation which drains the spirit.