Hello, This is the first time I've posted on your message boards. My mum has Alzheimers and I wanted to get as much information as I could. My dad is caring for her, but he isn't getting any younger, and I worry about his health. I have health problems, so cannot do as much as I would like. My mum first showed forgetfulness in 200, but has worsened each year, so that now she is very forgetful, and confused. At times she doesn't know who I am, and even talks to dad as if he's someone else. She seems to recall events from the past and think they are happening now. I find it very hard not to correct her when she says or does something odd. I am angry at her for leaving, for that's what it feels like. At times my mum comes back to visit, and those days I treasure. I get very sad thinking about how she used to be. She was always so happy and we would laugh so much, but now she hardly ever smiles, let alone laugh. I wish I had my mum back.
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- Thread starter PurplePoppy
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Purple,
I know exactly how you feel and suspect that you are going through one of the hardest times of this disease, where it makes no sense to you, where you don't want to accept it and where it just hurts and hurts and hurts with no reprieve.
I went through those kind of feelings for 3 years and it nearly took me out, I was wavering on the brink of depression (my doctors were trying to tell me I was, but I did not want the label and get a tad frustrated with the lack of difference between being depressed as a mental illness where there is no apparent cause of the depression except a chemical imbalance and being depressed because you have something really frikken difficult to deal with, so sad, and so impossible to fix!). What saved me, might be completely different to what will work for you, but keeping so busy I hardly have time for any relaxation, worked for me. I now study University full time, work shift work full time and see Dad at the home (he's been in one since April) every day, with the odd missed day. I am not recommending my madness, and no doubt I have gone to the extreme, but I did find that I had to keep busy and have other comittments other than my father and that took my mind off my father.
I am in my last semester at University now, will graduate in December, and I finally feel that when I finish, I will be okay. I am passed that point of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I see the future as a wonderful thing, I am still devastated about Dad, but somehow I have come to terms with it and am happy in that at least, if he were able to understand what I am doing, he would be proud of me.
So my thoughts are with you and I hope you too can come through this, it will be hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to be angry at your Mum, she is fighting the toughest battle there is in life, and believe me, if anyone should have been able to beat it, it was my Dad, and yet 5 years on and Alzheimers is still winning. So she is not intentionally letting you down (I know you probably already understand this, and I do understand that you feel angry anyway). Another thing to remember if it appears as though she just gave in, Alzheimer's affects the brain, which means that it affects the chemicals in our brains that help us strive, fight, and not be apathetic, without these chemicals your Mum may appear not to care, again it is not her it is the disease that has changed her. So if you have to be angry, perhaps doing what I do will help, be angry at the disease, hate it with a passion, look for ways of fighting it for your mother and others who come after her, treat your mother kindly to spite the disease, revenge the disease by not letting it win in beating you as well as your mother. Enemy, I name thee AD!
I know exactly how you feel and suspect that you are going through one of the hardest times of this disease, where it makes no sense to you, where you don't want to accept it and where it just hurts and hurts and hurts with no reprieve.
I went through those kind of feelings for 3 years and it nearly took me out, I was wavering on the brink of depression (my doctors were trying to tell me I was, but I did not want the label and get a tad frustrated with the lack of difference between being depressed as a mental illness where there is no apparent cause of the depression except a chemical imbalance and being depressed because you have something really frikken difficult to deal with, so sad, and so impossible to fix!). What saved me, might be completely different to what will work for you, but keeping so busy I hardly have time for any relaxation, worked for me. I now study University full time, work shift work full time and see Dad at the home (he's been in one since April) every day, with the odd missed day. I am not recommending my madness, and no doubt I have gone to the extreme, but I did find that I had to keep busy and have other comittments other than my father and that took my mind off my father.
I am in my last semester at University now, will graduate in December, and I finally feel that when I finish, I will be okay. I am passed that point of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I see the future as a wonderful thing, I am still devastated about Dad, but somehow I have come to terms with it and am happy in that at least, if he were able to understand what I am doing, he would be proud of me.
So my thoughts are with you and I hope you too can come through this, it will be hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to be angry at your Mum, she is fighting the toughest battle there is in life, and believe me, if anyone should have been able to beat it, it was my Dad, and yet 5 years on and Alzheimers is still winning. So she is not intentionally letting you down (I know you probably already understand this, and I do understand that you feel angry anyway). Another thing to remember if it appears as though she just gave in, Alzheimer's affects the brain, which means that it affects the chemicals in our brains that help us strive, fight, and not be apathetic, without these chemicals your Mum may appear not to care, again it is not her it is the disease that has changed her. So if you have to be angry, perhaps doing what I do will help, be angry at the disease, hate it with a passion, look for ways of fighting it for your mother and others who come after her, treat your mother kindly to spite the disease, revenge the disease by not letting it win in beating you as well as your mother. Enemy, I name thee AD!
Just wanted to say hi and welcome, I believe you will find a lot of support and understanding here.
Personally when I read your opening paragraph I thought I was reading about myself, so you certainely arent alone. My Mum is going through a turning phase now where she sometimes forgets who we are and whats going on and now has a 'friend' she talks to most of the time. Very upsetting and I have been down to the depths earlier this year with many other things, such that I have had councelling for depression.
Can only say that it helps a lot being able to get things out in the open that you probably cant tell friends/family. (might not seem to at first but it did once I got through it) so if you feel you need to talk to someone rather than bottle things up please go and get some help, of course you'll be able to vent your frustrations here too and the excellent people here will do all they can to help you out.
I hope you have many more happier days than sad ones with your mum.
take care
more power to you too
TED
Personally when I read your opening paragraph I thought I was reading about myself, so you certainely arent alone. My Mum is going through a turning phase now where she sometimes forgets who we are and whats going on and now has a 'friend' she talks to most of the time. Very upsetting and I have been down to the depths earlier this year with many other things, such that I have had councelling for depression.
Can only say that it helps a lot being able to get things out in the open that you probably cant tell friends/family. (might not seem to at first but it did once I got through it) so if you feel you need to talk to someone rather than bottle things up please go and get some help, of course you'll be able to vent your frustrations here too and the excellent people here will do all they can to help you out.
I hope you have many more happier days than sad ones with your mum.
take care
more power to you too
TED
Reply to Nat and Ted
Thank you so much for answering my message. Although it is sad to think that others are in the same situation, it is comforting to have other peoples experience of this terrible disease. You both gave useful comments.
Thank you again. You have another soldier in the fight.
Thank you so much for answering my message. Although it is sad to think that others are in the same situation, it is comforting to have other peoples experience of this terrible disease. You both gave useful comments.
Thank you again. You have another soldier in the fight.
Hi Purplepoppy, sorry to hear about your Mum, it is a very sad time for you. Hope TP can help you through some of the feelings, they are felt by so many of us. You are right, its a horrid disease and it steals our loved ones away bit by bit. Thats what hurts so much. Love She. XX
Dear PP
It made me so sad to read your posting. Like others it reminds me of how I felt about my mother being robbed from us with this illness. You so desperately want to have them back as they were. The anger you feel sometimes is perfectly normal.
My heart goes out to you, but know that you are not alone here, many of us have shared the same experiences of Alzheimer's and dementia and know how you are feeling, this was always a great help to me and I hope it will be to you as well. Welcome to the gang soldier.
It made me so sad to read your posting. Like others it reminds me of how I felt about my mother being robbed from us with this illness. You so desperately want to have them back as they were. The anger you feel sometimes is perfectly normal.
My heart goes out to you, but know that you are not alone here, many of us have shared the same experiences of Alzheimer's and dementia and know how you are feeling, this was always a great help to me and I hope it will be to you as well. Welcome to the gang soldier.
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hiya,my name is tracey and ive been a member on here for about a week (my mum was diagnosed last week),this site is wonderful,ive had so much support,when i feel sad i go on here,read about other people and u are so not alone.
im finding it hard to accept mums illness and so is she,i have to tell my mum everyday that she has alzimers,she just doesnt understand why she keeps forgeting,i cried when i read your post,when you said u just want your mum back,i want my mum back to,we all would do anything possible wouldnt we if we could just go back in time? its just so hard,keep posting on here you r among friends who totally understand,tracey xxxx
im finding it hard to accept mums illness and so is she,i have to tell my mum everyday that she has alzimers,she just doesnt understand why she keeps forgeting,i cried when i read your post,when you said u just want your mum back,i want my mum back to,we all would do anything possible wouldnt we if we could just go back in time? its just so hard,keep posting on here you r among friends who totally understand,tracey xxxx
Thanks
Thanks to Tracey, Sheila and Magic for your kinds words of support. I am still struggling with not constantly correcting mum. I keep trying to remember that it's the disease and like Nat said, to spite it and not my mum. I'm going over to my parents today, and I'm just hoping it'll be a good day. I hope you all have some lovely days with your loved ones.
Thanks to Tracey, Sheila and Magic for your kinds words of support. I am still struggling with not constantly correcting mum. I keep trying to remember that it's the disease and like Nat said, to spite it and not my mum. I'm going over to my parents today, and I'm just hoping it'll be a good day. I hope you all have some lovely days with your loved ones.
Welcome to the site, Purple poppy (lovely choice of name!)
Like the others I've found TP such a lifesaver. Isn't Nat's account an inspiration? Everyone is a hero in some way for sticking in there when it's all so awful you want to curl up under the duvet and not come out.
I can relate to your comments about correcting mum. In the early stage I did this a lot, hoping aganst hope that dad would 'relearn' what he had forgotten. But it's just not like helping a young child learn by correcting them. I found it a great relief, and had a much happier relationship with dad, when I relaxed moe and made a little joke, in a kind way, about mishaps. We shared a little laugh every time he got something 'wrong'. I also eventually stopped trying to get him to understand he had an illness because he really couldn't understand and it just made him anxious.
All these comments are not advice, purplepoppy, what worked for me might not be right for you.
Thinking of you too Tracey. We're all in this together.
Blue sea
Like the others I've found TP such a lifesaver. Isn't Nat's account an inspiration? Everyone is a hero in some way for sticking in there when it's all so awful you want to curl up under the duvet and not come out.
I can relate to your comments about correcting mum. In the early stage I did this a lot, hoping aganst hope that dad would 'relearn' what he had forgotten. But it's just not like helping a young child learn by correcting them. I found it a great relief, and had a much happier relationship with dad, when I relaxed moe and made a little joke, in a kind way, about mishaps. We shared a little laugh every time he got something 'wrong'. I also eventually stopped trying to get him to understand he had an illness because he really couldn't understand and it just made him anxious.
All these comments are not advice, purplepoppy, what worked for me might not be right for you.
Thinking of you too Tracey. We're all in this together.
Blue sea
Blue Sea
your comments are so true.
I went through the stage of correcting,it just does not register,so I gave up.
AD sufferers cannot learn new techniques and ideas,or maybe a vry simple thing.
I f I find any sort of upset or disruption caused by Peg (not me Norm) I just ignore it and get on with living.
I think although it does not seem to register, to be critical of them does worry.
them.
You won't win in any case, so why try.
Norman
your comments are so true.
I went through the stage of correcting,it just does not register,so I gave up.
AD sufferers cannot learn new techniques and ideas,or maybe a vry simple thing.
I f I find any sort of upset or disruption caused by Peg (not me Norm) I just ignore it and get on with living.
I think although it does not seem to register, to be critical of them does worry.
them.
You won't win in any case, so why try.
Norman
Thanks Blue Sea and Norman
Thanks to the both of you for your response. Whilst I wish no one had to experience this horrid disease, I am so glad to have your kind words. I am trying not to correct mum, and just go with the flow.
Thanks to the both of you for your response. Whilst I wish no one had to experience this horrid disease, I am so glad to have your kind words. I am trying not to correct mum, and just go with the flow.
