New to all this and not sure how I should handle it.....help

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by Masue, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. Masue

    Masue Registered User

    Jan 14, 2016
    8
    #1 Masue, Jan 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
    My husbands been having memory problems for a few years. I first took him for a memory test two years ago it Was 91 not to bad from all accounts. The problem is he's a drinker likes his beer. I've asked him to cut down so much over the years but to no effect. He was told at his first memory check up he needed to abstain completely for at least two days a week, which he said he would do. He did for about three weeks then back to normal. The Dr told him he had what's known as Alcohol induced Alzheimer's but was at a stage that he could not get worse if he cut his drinking down. This week I've taken him for another test and he scored 83 the cut off point was 82 the Dr told him he was only 1 point off being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He doesn't accept this. He knows he's getting forgetful but put it down to getting old, he's 68. He doesn't think it's the drink. I'm feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I work and he's retired so many days I come home not knowing what problems to expect. Sometimes he's gone out and left the doors open. He forgot how to put the car into reverse and swore blind something was wrong with the gear stick. I've mentioned to his Dr his lack of confidence when driving and my husband readily admits he doesn't feel safe driving. I was hoping the Dr could suggest revoking his licence but he didn't. He's left hot taps running for hours, freezer door in garage open for days so I've had to throw away all foods. Lots more to mention. I'm feeling like I'm having to sort every thing and he doesn't even try to help.
    A year ago we talked about moving to a smaller house with a smaller garden because where we are now has a very large garden. Now I feel like it's the right time to do this so I know I will cope better when he gets worse. He's not interested. I've suggested we both do power of Attorney but he says he's not ready for that yet. I'm going to do mine. It's about knowing people's wishes, what they want for themselves when they are no longer longer to act for themselves. I'm feeling more and more like its getting difficult to talk to him about what the future may hold and what we should be doing now to help prepare for it. It's making me ill thinking of it. Any advise would be so appreciated Thank you all for just being there xxx
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,850
    Female
    Scotland
    You are right about POA and wills being the starting point. That gets the simple admin out of the way. You can go through a solicitor or download the forms and just pay for registration. I would complete his too and then just ask him to sign. If you get him on a good day he might just do that.

    The other day to day forgetfulness is much more unpredictable and harder to advise on. I would be looking at a lock on your freezer. When someone is determined to go their own way sometimes you have to let them "go to hell in a handbasket" as my mother used to say.

    Once a crisis occurs the GP will have to take action. I just hope no one else is injured in the process. You can alert the DVLA yourself if you feel his driving is unsafe.

    Good luck.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Hello masue and welcome to Talking Point.
    One of the problems with dementia is that very frequently the person who has dementia is totally unaware of any problem and is sure that they have nothing wrong - it sounds like it is the same for your husband.

    Unfortunately, as the disease progresses you will find that you will have to take charge more and more - it is rather like having a small child who you will have to check up on and make decisions for. I agree with marion, get the legal stuff like POA and driving sorted. OH and I have both had our POAs (finances and health and welfare) done at the same time and although he fretted a lot about it he did sign and now its done. If he will voluntarily not drive then you my not have to contact the DVLA at the moment. When he is diagnosed with dementia you have by law to contact DVLA to inform them anyway.

    If you feel that it would be best to move somewhere else in the future then now might be a good time. I know that you will have to do all the organising and persuading, but it is possible to leave it until its too late and he is not well enough to move. Better sooner than later IMO.
     
  4. Masue

    Masue Registered User

    Jan 14, 2016
    8
    Thank you for your reply.

    I will certainly take on board down loading the forms and catch him on a good day. Thanks
     
  5. Masue

    Masue Registered User

    Jan 14, 2016
    8
    We always planned to move to a smaller place but now my husband changes the subject each time I mention it. I've noticed over the past year he has taken to calling in at my place of work just to say hallo and have a chat but I'm usually very busy and have asked him not to keep coming. He also phones work asking to speak to me, when I answer it's usually to tell me something unimportant. I've asked him lots of times only to phone if it's urgent but he takes no notice. I feel I'm becoming his comforter. He constantly asks what time I'm finishing work and rings me if I'm 10 minutes late. In my jobI cannot always finish on time. Part of me wishes I could give up work and spend more time with him while we still can but then I think that getting out the house is my sanity.
     
  6. Curlie75

    Curlie75 Registered User

    Jan 11, 2016
    13
    Dorset UK
    Curlie75

    Hullo: Following a scan last year - John, my husband, has been diagnosed with vascular cognitive impairment and, the consultant neurologist added, "Alzheimers cannot be ruled out". OK - so John (is also Diabetic) insists he does not have dementia, not of any kind, Amen! From this the resistance and arguments have become a daily fixture, leaving me feeling isolated, angry, if not depressed at times. I am then very glad to have found Talking Point. In your written thoughts, it is clear that you also are having difficulty with your husband's resistance. I am so sorry...because - ditto - it feels like we are 'treading water' at the bottom of which is 'mud' - where we become 'stuck'! Rarely does a day go by, without their isn't some kind of argument/quarrel, because he is so stubborn....try, as hard as I am able... to get around it. Every day he is irritable or at the other end of the 'spectrum' - very quiet and withdrawn. No longer, do I feel able to cope with this and feeling churned up, inside, is another fixture in our lives. After completing the required medical assessment form, the DVLA has revoked John's licence. Angrily, he has said he feels "insulted" with their decision...and demands a reapplication. I feel he is taking out his anger on me. Do you belong to a local support group? I am hoping to find one in the area where we live. Sending you kind thoughts.
     
  7. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,486
    Female
    England
    For group meetings for carers and cared for Google Alzheimers Society followed by your area. There are monthly meetings that you can attend either on your own or together. Google Carers Assciation, again followed by your area and you will find the ones near to you. They too hold monthly meetings and if you have a couple close to you, you can attend both.

    Not only are they social, you will find a lot of help and I formation available.
     
  8. LoisJean

    LoisJean Registered User

    http://http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheet/438

    Hi, masue..here is a fact sheet on alcohol induced dementia. I hope it opens up ok for you--I'm still learning how to use some of these tools. It's very informative. As a recovered alcoholic I have some understanding of what your husband has been living with and, to some extent, what you are experiencing.

    One thing I am learning is that while the actual cause of my dementia is important to know, I'm almost certain alcohol toxicity played a roll but I am told I have vascular dementia caused by high blood pressure and vascular disease. Today I get the sense that causes and conditions are a deep well and I prefer to stay out of it. It's the day by day living with it that is where the real education begins..at least for me and for the several people who are my close family and friends. It is here at TP where the real world of dementia is described and dealt with daily by people who have been battered by it in all of its varied forms. I so grateful that I found this place. You are never alone here.

    I pray that all the beautiful blessings be heaped upon us all. Peace, LoisJean
     
  9. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    463
    North West
    Hi Masue,

    The realisation that all is not well when you come home to a wide open door is so familar. This was the trigger that set me organising (as best I can) our future. There was no sit down and discuss together I just started talking about downsizing, getting a valuation and the process started. I probably over exaggerated the benefits. Also agree you should start LPA process. I did my own (not perfect in the first instance) and made appointment to do new Wills. Your OH might, like mine, be more receptive to you taking over than you anticipate. I feel my OH is so worried and muddled it makes him bad tempered. The less decision making or being relied upon he has to tackle, the calmer and friendlier he is. When I look back on my last year, since diagnosis, I seem to have ploughed on doing what I think is for the best for both of us and our family (the days of joint decisions are in the past). But I have been lucky not to have encountered too much resistance - I know some people face extreme difficulties when trying to change anything.

    Hope you can sort out the driving problem. What a worry.
     
  10. Masue

    Masue Registered User

    Jan 14, 2016
    8
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Hey, mega scores with the POA and car issue sorted :D

    Those are two very big problems that could have turned nasty out of the way. You deserve several very large pats on the back there.
     
  12. Masue

    Masue Registered User

    Jan 14, 2016
    8
     

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